The Subconscious Mind
I was given this book The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy by a very good friend of mine. I have known her for the last 10 years and she has always kept an eye on me and as one of her parting gift, she gave me this book to read. Only if I had read it 2 months earlier, my life could have been enhanced! My confidence boosted and maybe I could be in a relationship right now.
Anyway, I just completed reading chapter 1 and there was a sypnosis of a 75 year old widow who got hitched by conveying messages to the subconscious mind by repitition, faith and expectancy. She repeated frequently "I am wanted, I am loved, I am happily married to a kind, loving and spiritual-minded man. I am secure and fullfilled" and in two weeks met her partner!
Yesterday I began this experiment and I've repeated the following statements:
- I am a confident person.
- I am secured and fullfilled.
- I am a kind hearted person and deserved to be love
- I am happily "partnered" to a kind, loving and spiritual minded person...
- I have a six pack abs. :-)
Today is day 2. Now - I got stuck when it came to statement 4 above. Should I replaced it with a woman? or a man? or a partner? After some deliberation, I decided to stick with something neutral! To keep my options open :-)
Jezz it's cold here today. Spring somehow disappeared tonight - hope the Cherry Blossom Tress will survive the cold and wind.
Ian - signing out. Bed time!
Not fussy
I bought this T Shirt from Hong Kong last year during one of my business trips.
Not sure what possessed me to buy this shirt but I haven't worn it yet. It fits me alright. However I'm not sure what statement I will be making if I was to wear it. So I decided just to put it away in my drawers until the right day comes. Then again I could be out of shape and it won't suit me anyway. What a fucking waste of money!
Not fussy? Yeah right.... probably "Too Scared" would categorised me better.
Ian signing out!
Roppongi
Got home from Roppongi today at 3:30am. Yes - it's a school night and went drinking with my colleagues.
Been drinking again! This is my 4th visit to this part of town in 5 days! I was there on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday night.
My liver is so dead.
My sugar level is extremely high now!
My calories level must be reaching danger zone now.
And I'm tired.....had only 4 hours of sleep today.
And I'm so broke!
I use to be a social drinker. I believe I've moved up the rank in terms of alchohol consumption. I am now considered alchoholic dependent.
I am so Roppongi out!
Ian signing out for a good night's sleep!
100 things about me.
Like every freaking blog that I have read so far, there is an entry about 100 things.... So i guess I'll join this group and be less original!
1. Born in the year of the Rat.
2. I'm a Leo.
3. I have lived in 5 different countries - Malaysia, UK, New Zealand, Singapore and Japan.
4. My favourite cities - Hong Kong, Auckland, London, Tokyo, Bangkok, New York and San Francisco.
5. My favourite food - Japanese (Fresh Tuna rice bowl), Italian, Thai, Indian and Malaysian.
6. I prefer Japanese rice (short grain) to long grain rice right now.
7. My favourite cocktails are Caipirinhia, Mohito and Sea Breeze
8. I like blue coloured shirts.
9. I'm into my digitial photography.
10. I definitely prefer NZ wines over Australian or French wines.
11. I would like to own a Volksvagen Golf GTi 1.8 black.
12. I've an iBook and an iPOD
13. I would buy anything that is design by Apple if I have additional funds.
14. I was never into sports when I was young. I hate sweating.
15. Now I'm a gym freak and love sweating
16. I've completed the Singapore Marathon in 2001 in 5 hrs 30 mins.
17. Since then, I have completed 6 half marathons in Singapore and in NZ.
18. I would like to do the Boston and NY Marathons
19. I only appreciated Union Rugby when I was 26 years old. Bloody good game!
20. Still don't understand the game of Cricket.
21. Do not appreciate soccer-just can't comprehend the sport and why there are 20 something guys chasing one ball.
22. I enjoy watching competitive diving because of the men!
23. I have been to a couple of rugby games to watch the game and not the men!
24. I'm keen to do Rugby World Game in NZ, 2011.
25. I'm always cheering for the All Blacks - especially Dan Carter. He is HOT.
26. I have done the 7 Rugby Series twice - in Hong Kong and in Singapore.
27. I would like to watch the Dubai and Wellington 7's games.
28. I'm still working on my abs - have been doing this for the last 5 years and I'm not even there yet!
29. I have had a trainer in my last gym. I still look the same (must be the food and alcohol)
30. I use to have a dog while I was 10 years old and it ran away. I was a bad person. Since then I have not had a pet.
31. I like cats... they are easy to look after.
32. I dislike people who shower their pets with pearls, cute pink dress and blue jeans. I think there are alot of people in this world who could use these additional funds for food and clothing.
33. I contribute to a children's fund on a monthly basis.
34. I'm a Buddhist but I believe in practicality when it comes to religion.
35. I believe in doing good.
36. I dislike anyone who preaches about their religion. I stay away from them.
37. I'm not a vegeterian and I eat beef.
38. I like Chinese Vegetables.
39. I love all things garlic
40. I can just cook.
41. I drink at least 5 cartons of milk per week. This translates to about 2 glasses of milk a day.
42. I love Apples but there are so expensive in Tokyo.
43. I only like NZ apples. They are small and crunchy!
44. I only eat mandarin now for my fruit intake.
45. I have started drinking carrot juice to clean my liver up from the alchohol intake.
46. I don't like gambling but I do punt on the stockmarket.
47. I have never smoke pot.
48. I'm not a smoker but I smoke when I'm a pissed head.
49. I would like to smoke pot one of these days.
50. I don't do drugs AT ALL.
51. I can't sing and hence Karaoke is a NO NO for me-only when I'm pissed drunk.
52. I have never owned a car under my name even at Uni.
53. But I have two drivers licences.
54. I've worked part time as a gardener in my uni days. Since then I've been in a full time job with a corporate company.
55. I've never worked as a waiter or a cook but would love to own a cafe.
57. I would like to be a Barista.
58. If I had to go through university again, I'll choose Design and Architecture.
59. I would like to own a bookstore and a cafe.
60. I would like to do pottery.
61. I must have at least one cup of coffee per day.
62. I must have my coffee and read my newspaper in the weekend. Failing to do so means that I did not have a weekend.
63. I love travelling - have covered most of Asia, Oceania, some parts of Europe and Canada/USA.
64. Next on my list would be South Africa, Egypt, Jordan, Chile, Argentina, Trans Siberian Railway, Angkor Wat in Cambodia and possibly Burma when they get rid of the military regime.
65. I would like to visit Ireland and Italy again.
66. I would like to visit Norway and Iceland on my to do list.
67. I'm still single...
68. I'm denying my own sexuality for fear of the repercussions
69. I have a family but they live in various parts of the world.
70. None of them know that I'm a confused person.
71. Only 4 people in this world know about my issue and only 2 have access to my blog.
72. I knew I was different when I was in Hawaii when I got to some see some half naked men :-)
73. When people suspect of my sexuality, I will deny it at all cost.
74. I have fallen for 2 guys -but they are staight. So that was the end of any feelings. We are still friends and they don't know about it. I have moved on.
75. I have had 2 major crushes on two guys I know but they are taken! One staight and one gay!
76. My love life is pathetic.
77. I love reading books except science and fantasy. I just can't follow the plot.
78. I read my Fitness and Health Magazines on a monthly basis. I'm not sure what to do with them once I finished reading them. Over the years, I have accumulated enough to start a second hand business on magazines.
79. I like dancing.
80. I have done salsa, ball room and meregue classes. My partner (who is a lady) had given me so much pressure on dancing that I have given up.
81. I don't dance anymore.
82. If I do, others will think that I've swung to the other side especially if I'm in my semi tight black t shirt!
83. Last time I was at a club where I trully enjoy dancing was 5 years ago! That's sad! And I can dance!
84. If I was given a chance to come back to this world again, I would like to me an exotic male model :-)
85. When I was a teenager, I never rebel against my parents.
86. I didn't own my first pair of Levi's jeans until I was almost 22 years old!
87. I was a geek and I'm still one.
88. I'm very emotional person and happen to cry at movies or when I'm reading.
89. My circle of friends are very small right now.
90. I hate making small talk.
91. I believe I procrastinate but I think it's just plain lazy or time mismanagement.
92. I'm very good at being single now. I found out blogging and digital photography.
93. My best friends are still my books.
94. I'm never good at languages, all though I have done Mandarin, Malay, German and now Japanese. I struggle even with the English language.
95. I dislike doing public speaking. I froze most of the time and I need straight vodka to stay focus.
96. I tried Toastmasters and survived only a couple of months.
97. I look younger than my age. I have an issue with this.
98. I smile a lot and that's probably why I look younger.
99. Looking young in my profession doesn't help.
100. I have seen Brokeback Mountain twice now!
Expat Tossers in Tokyo
Had dinner tonight at Nishi-azabu with some people that I met through at my friends wedding in Taiwan last month. The restaurant is a Californian fusion food style....excellent food and the atmosphere was great. Who in the right mind would complaint right?
Anyway I was at the restaurant at 9 pm on the dot but my fellow companions were late by at least half an hour. By then, I was sitting at the bar and have drunk two glasses of organic beer! (yes - you hear me right!). Eventually they arrived - one Japanese and the other person was a Scottish. So we sat down and started ordering and OMG, I knew the night was going to be a disaster! This Scottish guy could not stop talking about his work, his trips around Asia and how he just arrived from Singapore to have dinner with us. He could not stop talking about his tonnes of emails that he has to clear this weekend and how he has a fabulous apartment to die for! I mean fine - he can travel the world for I care but he was very condescending too (e.g. - he did not see the need to do Japanese because he travels so much.....or questions he will ask - are all Japanese women subservient?) For a couple of minutes I asked myself how did I get into this situation...I had to get out of this restaurant before I say something stupid in front of him! Who fucking cares if he has 400,00 air-points with BMidlands Gold - buddy I have 300,000 air-points with Singapore Airlines....by the way he travels economy/coach but I travel business :-) - that felt good when I heard that he does coach. (I had a silent smile!)
Well in terms of expat tosser ranking from 1 - 10, this guy is definitely more than 8. I'm just a humble expat - and I rank myself to be around 2-3...
The Past?
Ever thought what you did in your past life?
That's the question I had in my mind when I visited the Edo Museum last weekend in Tokyo. What would I have been if I was born 100 years ago? would I be a farmer, a black smith, a teacher, a politician, a merchant, a potter or a foot soldier.
Would I have been satisifed with my life?
Would I been staight or gay?
Would I have survived WW I and II?
Would I have fitted well into society?
I think in those days, life was a lot more simpler! Limited choices, very unlikely to travel far and easily satisfied about life. Maybe as human beings we have lost the plot - ie to live the simple life!
Just chicken little..
This is my last of my "Just" entries. I'm ending this theme in need of something new to rejunevate my daily routine...it's getting a bit boring for me!
I went to the gym last night and saw gym boy again! Still no eye contact but the strangest things of all is that whenever I'm at the gym - that's around 8ish, he is there working out. In the weekends, I can safely say that our path has cross a couple of times! This time round we were working out on machines that were pretty close. I had my chance to start a conversation with him but I'm not game enough to start a conversation. Just felt like a dumb ass!
So is this a coincidence or what?
Just very important people
Politicians and people in this world that I admire the most:
1. Nelson Mandela
2. Mother Teresa
3. Gandhi
4. Lee Kuan Yew
5. Mikhail Gorbachev
6. Margaret Thatcher
7. Sir Winston Churchill
8. Brad Pitt
9. Richard Branson
10. Tom Ford
Just finding the path...
I have been in Tokyo almost 4 months now and so far so good. I've gone through one of the coldest winter in Tokyo (and that means snow!) and now entering Spring-now looking forward to the full cherry blossom bloom in a couple of weeks time. I'm getting to know this place better albeit with my limited Japanese skills. I'm never too far away from picture menus - so that helps, plus ordering beers and alchohols in Japanese is relatively easy after mastering a few common phrases! As for taxis - a bit more challenging as this involve some sign languages and giving instructions in Japanese. So far so good but I have not venture far enough except for Roppongi Hills and Shibuya!
Yes - I'm living the expat life here. Great! :-) but that's not really why I'm here. My work is challenging as it involves managing peoples expectations, changing the way we process information (and this includes some change management activities as well) and working with touchy issues..... I struggle sometimes with managing conflicts and hate doing conference calls if it involves touchy subjects. It gets a bit akward there and then and check this out - discussing an accounting issue for an hour over the phone! how exciting can this be?
Sometimes I ask myself, is this what I want. My life over the last 6 years, work as defined me. Is this sad, bad or an easy way out? Does money define me? What about family and friends? Have I managed to spend quality time with them and getting to know them better? What do I want for the future? How do I want to spend my life in the next 10 years.... Well really, being closeted is not easy at this point in my life. The career thing - do I choose this path or stay single and closeted or hide by my woman (if I find one?) Too be brutally honest with myself, my personal life has been just lies....and so superficial...
Just Zoff
I like my Sundays to be quiet and easy but sometimes that is not possible because either I'm trying to recover from a hangover or travelling out of Tokyo to play tourist and gosh I love my Canon Digital IXUS 50! It does wonders to photography for amatuers like me.
On Sunday I hung out at my favourite cafe on Harajuku - call Zoff and had one of the better coffees around Tokyo (or at least amongst the cafes that I have hung out).
Why Harajuku? Well this is where Tokyoites come to spend thier day shopping and strolling and this is the best spot to check out trendy Tokyoites as well. At least I wasn't alone at the Cafe - that would be drastically sad. I was with my project colleauges from work - 2 single ladies (lets call her J and the other colleague - lets call her T). As usual we were just talking and staring into the main street checking out the trendy people strolling along Harajuku. Typical of the ladies checking out the couples walking hand in hand and somehow the topic of relationships came out, then came the cosmic power effect and wosh the discussion is somehow deflected to me. This time J tried to define my perfect woman - around 28 years old, professional, likes reading and definitely into her arts. Likes her red wine and travelling and know how to appreciate good coffee! Well I was thinking to myself and I wish this woman was a guy. That would be perfect and to add-he must have abs to die for, not too tall (as I'm only 5'7), kind hearted and 100% commitment to a monogamus relationship! No hanky panky stuff. I just shrug my shoulder and she said I was fussy! Now - does this mean that she suspect that I may not be straight? Ah well, I'll probably go speed dating next time round! Gosh that would read desperation all over my face! :-)
And being St Patrick's day weekend, I could't resist taking a couple of pictures with the Irish and Japanese flag side by side. Unfortunately I did not find any interesting pictures of little green people or leprechauns running around.
This red building just fits into the weekend scene. Jeez, was it cold and windy for a Sunday! Now where is spring???
Just a lazy Sunday..
This is a lazy Sunday....
1. Got up at 10 am...
2. Wash the dishes...
3. Folded the clean laundry from my drier and tuck them in the drawers..
4. Put another load of laundry in
5. Switched on CNN (that's the only free news channel that I'm getting in my apartment, although I would prefer to BBC anytime but I have to pay extra for the channel).
6. Checked emails and read some bloggs..
7. Went for a 45 min run around the embassy route and then another gruesome 45 mins at the gym hitting the weights again.
8. Came back home - had a Myoplex shake and a pasta (marcoroni with tuna, garlic, chinese cabbage and sun dried tomatoes). This is what I'm aiming to achieve :-)
9. Shower
And for the rest of the day, this is the plan...
10. Head down to Omotesando and Harajuku, to shop for new pair of socks (the ones that I have recently purchased have now got holes!)
11. Do half an hour of Japanese
12. Read the Newspaper
13. Read a Million Pieces - need to finish the book by this week.
14. WORK.... yes more work to do considering I was a slacker last week...
15. Read more blogs,,,
Just Idols
All of all the franchises in the world on the Idols series. The American show rocks big time.
I can safely say I'm not an Idol fan - if it's on TV, I will watch, if not I don't give a toss about the show. Somehow today things have slightly changed - I woke up at a decent time this morning and decided that I should do a 45 mins run around my block. I just needed to get rid of the excess alcohol and calories in my body that I have accumulated over the last couple of binging days! Anyway got up - quickly check my emails and had the TV switched on! and was ready to leave the house when American Idol came up and the girls were singing this time round. Then and there I decided I want to watch Mandisa sing again - I have seen her singing in the other past shows and she was IMPRESSIVE, - she has the most genuine personality amongst the ladies, her smile is just so infectious (make my heart melt!) and her voice - wow, she sounds like an angel as well! :-)
All I can say is Mandisa rocks and I hope as hell that she gets into the top 5! Ace Young - he can't sing (well that's not true really but he is above average) and he is banging on his looks to get in....I'm sure this will happen as well and the other guy that I'm cheering for is Chris - the rocker.
Well, I better extract myself from my laptop - I need to explore Tokyo this weekend again. Have been a slacker for the last couple of weeks and that is not what I have set to do whilst I'm in Tokyo for a limited amout of time.
Over and out!
Just St Patrick's Day
Well today is St Patrick's Day and I'm no Irish man nor a god fearing Catholic either! So what does this day mean to non Irish people like us? I can't really answer this except that it's another opportunity to drink in an Irish Pub and to feel and soak the atmostphere of St Patrick's Day. And of course the fashion consort in me would like to wear Green!
Off course there are some meaningful colleagues who have ties to Ireland in some sort decided that by 5:30 today we had to leave the office to have drinks! The nearest Irish Pub is just 10 minutes away from us and that was no excuse for not stepping into the pub. After all it's a Friday! :-) And being St Patrick's day - Guinness was free from 6 pm (off course we had to pay for some drinks because we were so keen to get our ass to the pub). After having another expensive night on Thrusday I was in no mood to eat and drink further but because Guinness was free, I guess there was no excuse NOT to drink. So had 2 Guinness and by then, my body said noMORE - which was the most sanest thing to do!
We quickly finished up and walked back home. Stopped by at this Yakitori restaurant in Mita and had the most devine chicken meat balls, chicken with leeks and chicken wings! in Tokyo and yummy indeed....and it was an early Friday night for us for a long time.
On a more serious note - What does St Patrick means? Well, to summarise, St Patrick was the patron saint and national apostle of Ireland who is credited with brining Christianity to Ireland. Saint Patrick is also most known for driving the snakes from Ireland. It is true there are no snakes in Ireland, but there probably never have been - the island was separated from the rest of the continent at the end of the Ice Age. As in many old pagan religions, serpent symbols were common and often worshipped. Driving the snakes from Ireland was probably symbolic of putting an end to that pagan practice. While not the first to bring christianity to Ireland, it is Patrick who is said to have encountered the Druids at Tara and abolished their pagan rites. The story holds that he converted the warrior chiefs and princes, baptizing them and thousands of their subjects in the "Holy Wells" that still bear this name.
Why St Patrick's Day?
St Patrick's Day has come to be associated with everything Irish: anything green and gold, shamrocks and luck. Most importantly, to those who celebrate its intended meaning, St. Patrick's Day is a traditional day for spiritual renewal and offering prayers for missionaries worldwide.
So like another city in this world, there is no excuse not to celebrate St Patrick's day and I'll be attending a parade this Sunday :-) Just to feel the Irish atmosphere right in the heart of Tokyo!
Just perculiar or particular
One of my colleague has commented that for a "straight" guy - I'm pretty particular about my personal grooming...
I shower twice a day - one in the morning and one before going to bed (it does not matter whether it's winter or summer!)
I only shave at night after my shower - the theory is that after a hot shower, the pores of the face opens up and makes shaving smoother and easy! and I save an extra 5 minutes of sleep every day! Oh by the way, the blades last longer too!
I only use Gillette for my blades and shaving cream! I have not move away from this brand since I started shaving at puberty.
I use Nivea cream for my dry skin and trust me Tokyo is pretty dry during winter!
I must have a cup of coffee everyday and especially during the weekend, I must have my black coffee with my newspaper. This is my time out! :-)
I must excercise at least 6 times a week - otherwise I feel lethargic, fat and useless! And I'm working to have this set of abs...
I only cut my nails in the weekend and it must be before sunset...some supertitious thing that I have done since I was a kid!
I must have a hair cut every 4 weeks at the least! Otherwise, it's considered long and untidy...
I only wear my glasses at night and at home. You can't catch me wearing them in the morning because I'm so vain,,,,
So am I perculiar or particular?
Just healthy or Brokeback
I remembered that 18 years ago in some remote place in the UK, during our physical ed classes, we had to choose between, rugby, rowing or running. For people like us who were physically challenged, running was the the only option but we could cheat by walking the route or drag ourselves through the trail by a combination of running and walking. Rugby and rowing was definite a NO NO although hanging out with the hunks was an option but during those days if you were found to be attracted to guys - you'll be lynched!
I found running a drag but I had no choice, however I had a friend who one day decided to run with me. He encouraged and cajoled me throughout the trail and just kept me going. Next I realised I completed the trail! The feeling of accomplishing a momentous feat like this was just great! What happen next over the next couple of years was ...well just leave it that way.
I'm now 30 something and have completed one full marathon and half a dozen of half marathons over the last couple of years. To be fair, I started exercising seriously whilst I was in New Zealand. During one of my routine health checkup - the doctor told me that I had a reasonably high blood pressure and cholesterol level and being twentysomething, that was a scary thought. My family had a history of diabetes and high blood pressure and I just had to keep healhty in order to stay alive. I decided that I need to be trim to stay alive and that is when I started exercising seriously!
I have been pretty trimmed for the last couple of years but as for the desired body fat level - well I have not managed to reach my target level of 10% yet. I've been fighting the alcohol binging sessions but I'm losing out on this..... it's all about socialzing and networking :-) So my routine for the week is 4 sessions of weight training and followed by two days of running. My diet is restricted to a Myoplex shake in the morning, a cup of Starbucks coffee of the day (black and no sugar), lunch (thank god this is normal food) and followed by more black coffee in the afternoon, and the dinner is either a tuna sandwich or 3 egg whites and 2 servings of vegetable.
Sometimes I wonder now whether my zealous focus on getting the body fat down is a health matter or just being Brokeback? :-)
Just Vodka Scooter
Lacking some inspiration today.... so found this article from a friend of mine.
So if you have been intoxicated once, twice and not sure how you get back home. Maybe there is an answer.... see article below.
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a "Vodka Scooter." The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine.
The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion - The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional
Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second questions after a night out, "How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, stubbed toes, scratched hands and a sore spot on the top of your head.
An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out, "What the hell happened?"
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom with the wrong person, often with horrific consequences!
Vodka Scooters come equipped with Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake either everyone else in the house or your downstairs neighbours.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a small outfit for the ladies or for the men a no jacket.
Vodka scooters....the wonders of modern technology ...have you ever had a ride on one??!!
Just fragments of thoughts from an urbanite
I've decided just now that I'm a true blue urbanite.
I love arpartment living! I go ooh and ahh if any of my friends have a view of the city line and especially if they have ceiling to floor window panes! I will kill for those apartment (if I have the budget!). A balcony would be good so that you can still keep pots of plants and claim that you have green fingers in a concrete jungle!
And off course a sleek and funky architect that have designed the apartment you live in! Not that I live in one of these!
Another one of my criteria of a good aparment living is where one is closeby to a gym or a health fitness centre. Better still if it's within an apartment but from my experience, it's pretty lousy and you don't get a crowd (to ogle at :-)) Where's the motivation man? Better still if grocery shopping is around the corner as well... that helps when you need food at any time of the day! To top it up - it has to be close to a nice cafe that you can hang out in the weekends and see the world go by!
What about work place? Well it will be handy if it is close to work so that when the days are tough and you can;'t get motivated, catching a cab to work certainly help (but in Tokyo, you pay and arm and a leg just to get into a cab. So one have to think twice before one gets into the cab). If that fails - it has to be very near to a subway!
What about a hunky neighbour to go with apartment living??
This will be 100% perfecto! I'm a simple guy with simple needs :-)
Just pissed head!
This weekend was a write off for me. Spend the Friday night with colleagues from work and the plan was to do a couple of drinks at Heartland at Roppongi Hills and then to the Oak Room at the Hyatt! 3 beers in an hour at Heartland and followed with more beers at the Hyatt and a Mohito! I was flying.... We then decided that it was appropriate to get some dinner and by then it was almost 10 pm at night. Boy, was the alcohol flying into my blood stream!
After a quick bite at a local Japanese bar! we were on our way again..... to my dislike! :-) and this time we headed down to McGambos - another Expat tosser's hangout! :-) It was suppose to be one drink for the road. Only one but ended up with a couple more drinks before quiting the bar. That was 1:30 in the morning.
And on Saturday morning. managed to drag myself out of the bed and the plan was to catch up with a lady friend I hooked up whilst I was in Taiwan a couple of weeks ago! By 11:00 am she hasn't called to confirm lunch and I called her. She was still in bed! The poor girl got back home aroud 5 am. Ah well - that goes my lunch date! :-) So ended running and gymming instead to get rid of the excess alcohol and carbo from drinking beers!
Later thtat day I had to go out and buy sushi for my bosses' pot luck do at his place in Roppongi Hills. So it was Groundhog Day again for me or for some of us. Having been the spotlight again at dinner and the lack of girlfriends in my pathetic life.... and my bosses trying to hook me up again with another lady they just met at the Oak Room, I think I need to come clean one of these days. To make it really akward, they knew that I went and watch Brokeback Mountain with some ladies from work. They gave me this look that I was so afraid that they will find out that I'm not so straight afterall..Jeez..my heart beat was beating so fast! I think I managed to deflect the akward moments and moved on. After a couple of beers and red wines, sake and sweddish gulag (hot pot wine) - I was in lala land.... but thank god I was still standing alright! and to my horror the party did not stop at my bosses place, we had to do another one for the road. So this time we headed back to Roppongi (again!) a sense of deja vu no doubt and headed to Geronomo (another expat hangout!) We were only suppose to have one drink and then we were going home - either by subway or we were going to walk back. 4 hours later and a couple of beers, shots and vodka cranburry.... I was so intoxicated and these people did not want to go back home either! So I left at 3:30 am and walked back home! No bad eh for a pissed head like me! It was a challenge to walk in a straight line though but i did manage to get my ass back safely to my apartment at 4 in the morning! Yes and got up around lunch time today feeling like crap. I should stop all this drinking sessions to keep my liver alive!
I'm so Roppongi out - but wait there is another social gathering this Thurday again! Sigh....
Just my 50th Blog
Well when i first found out about blogs seriously beginning of this year, I enjoyed reading the individual postings of gay related themes (where have I been). I could connect and associate with some of these blogs and found that I'm not the only one feeling a "bit" confused and lost. This was an avenue that I could deal with my feelings, vent them out in the open and yet remain anonymous! So that's when I decided to write and even that I wasn't sure that I would be able to write about matters dealing with myself continously, or whether I could keep up with the postings and whether I had enough time to squeeze in writing and reading blogs and doing a full time job....And then I just realised that I have reached my 50th blog which I did not seriously expect to reach. That was a milestone achieved!
Looking back - I must say posting my feelings on the web has been good. It has definitely helped me in dealing with these pressures and trying to stay straight in my surroundings that I have built based on work and the daily routine. Nothing too exciting but I seem to be going just with the flow.
But I just do not want to go with the flow. I'm 33 and yet I have no direction in my personal life. My friends, siblings, colleauges have all of them - married or partnered, have kids or in the process of having kids, boyfriends, girlfriends. As for me, I'm the odd one out! My mom and relatives are giving so much pressure to get hitched-and being the eldest in the family doesn't help either. So when it comes to family gatherings - I hate it so much! So sick of the questions that I just wish I could say I'm gay and just feel them scattering aroud with this embarrassment broadcast to the family....only wish I could do this and they could leave me alone,,,or maybe ostracised! But then again the better of me - the accountant side always preached the save approach (maybe that's why I'm still in the closet!) i jsut wish I could just leave this side of me and concentrate on the other aspects of my life i.e smelling the roses and actually moving on with other things in life that I need to achieve. After all we have only a finite time on this earth and we should do as much as possible before we depart!
I also started out with some New Year's resolution, on the excercise front, I think I've achieved what I set out to and that was to maintain my weight and managed the body fat! Just another 3% body fat and I will be on the road to have a rock hard abs! :-) I've done much cooking at home but lately I have not been able to do this as I've been going out with my colleagues for drinks and food. I'm now reasonably piss fit but at a huge cost of my liver! Now for some serious detoxification process.
As for running, haven't been doing much lately because of winter. I know this is a bad excuse but is't true- just could not make myself runn into the cold icey wintery air. So I decided to put this on hold until spring! Spring is now in the air and have started running again. My gaol is to run the Singapore Half Marathon in under 2 hours this time round. Running in the tropics vs running in the nothern/southern hemisphere is so different. The weather itself could shave about 5 -10 minutes of one running time but then again it's the novice talking! For my aim to be in bed by 11.59 pm everyday, hmmm...that's not so achievable yet. I have been averaging about 6 hours a day during the week and somehow that is just enough for me but I know long term it's not healthy. I have to put some effort into this.
As for my Japanese lessons - well, I think I'm not there yet. I have not put enough effort during the week and that really relates to ordering food and doing greetings. So this needs to be revisited again so that I don't loose side of this and as for travelling around Japan, yeap - that's on target! It's a catch 22 - travelling and saving more! My saving plans are achievable for the time being. It's a wonder when you restrict your spending on the old credit card. So that's a big tick for me! Just have to focus on this and make sure I don't loose sight of this.
The the movie of the year - Brokeback Mountain - had a profound impact on me that I just kept thinking about the movie. I know about the forbidden love and I know how hard is it to have this something so special. But then again, I did not choose this either. Somehow - I wish things could be a lot easier and simpler. But when I look around me, I'm glad and grateful that the other aspects of my life have been great. I just need to spread the balance around without crashing down! :-)
Ah well-enough said. This is me and now I have to look at the other "achieavable" milestone - my 100th blog and come to terms with my own inner self and feelings and stay focus throughout the year.
Just 24 hours
I sometimes wish there are more hours in day to manage my daily activities. Unfortunately, man have decided that there is only 24 hours in a day and 1/3 of it should be dedicated to sleep. Studies shows that if one sleeps on average 8 hours a day.... he/she will be living till 80 years old or more.... However, busy bee like me do only 6 hours a day! Not sure how on earth I have survived all these years! No wonder it's showing on my face now...
Anyway, Rick reminded me in his posting today about time and I realised that I have missed my dad's passing on anniversary. It's been 5 years since he departed in February 2001 and looking back...the 5 years have gone really fast. He is still with me - in my heart, in my dreams and around me. I only wish that he could be around today.....So much to tell him, so much to share with him....
Well, the lame excuse i have for this was that I have been really busy at work with visitors from the Corporate/Regional Office (ie the bosses), managing workshops and a bunch of consultants and our local colleagues here as well. Didn't realised that I was so engaged in work until my body just decided i needed a rest. That was last weekend and I had a good break! So - I'm a lousy son for not remembering his father's passing on anniversary.... sigh.. I guess I can hope for some forgiveness if not some understanding here. It shows that I have not given priority to a work/life balance lifestyle!
Spring is definitely in the air now (check out the apple plum tree flowers from the nearby park).... temperatures are averaging around 10 C - a lot warmer now but somehow I missed winter! The crispness in the air. Tell you what, I'm not looking forward to summer. I hate the heat!
Just Brokeback Again
Saw Brokeback Mountain again! Paid freaking US$12 again to watch it with my colleagues..... But it was a worthwhile trip to make all the way to Shibuya to watch it!
Dumstruck by Heaths' acting again! Love everything about him now and the way he poitraited Ennis. His facial expressions, his singular monotone sentence and the macho guy image. And yet so vulnerable in love.....I so want to cry and hug him now! i guess I can only do this in my dreams,.... :-)
It's only a movie! Get over it......
Just rambling
Well - I'm just emotionally dead after thinking about Brokeback Mountain, being closeted, being lost and not least being so fucked up in the brain, I guess I'm just sick of writing about being gay! Some of you readers must be bored after reading the same stuff over and over again. To add salt to the wound, Brokeback Mouintain did not win the Best Picture Award at the Oscars, that sucks too! I guess - the publicity surrounding this movie has definitely got the attention of the wider public. Straight or gay, open minded or homophobic.... the movie has been in our faces since its opening! Good stuff! By the way I'm going to watch it again tomorrow at the same Cinema. This time I'm going with my colleagues and I have played dumb all the way. So I have to act if I have not seen it! (must be the Oscars for me!)
Anyway, enough of the Brokeback topic! Today's work sucks big time. Just trying to cope with the crap that I'm getting from head office over our documents. Fucking pedantic or should I say a useless prick. I've completely lost all respect for this guy now. I know it's going to bite me back in my performance review but I really don't fucking care. Just need to be vengeful..... but the thing is I'm 26% EVIL. So the statistics is not helping me out at all...... Well see....:-) Maybe it's time to move on as I have been working with this company for more than 5 years. I think it's bloody good record considering people don't really stay longer than 5 years on average! I must be one of the extinct species around here! Loyalty my ass! :-)
A picture for the day....to reflect my "thinking" mood....
Just quotes for the day....
I'm in a sombre mood today...after watching Brokeback Mountain yesterday, I'm in a miserable wreck now! Call me a sensitive person, call me a sucker but when it comes to love.... I'm just moi.
I hate this feeling of being lost. I'm not sure what to do next or what is the best option I should proceed now at this juncture of my life. So what I did was the usual stuff, gym (lift heavier weights), eat and read blogs and I know I have got a few things to do today before going to bed and I'm not even there yet. I started with good intentions but then again I have lost the motivation for the day.
I'm currently reading a million little pieces by James Frey. A memoir about himself going through depression and quitting his drug and alcohol dependency. Very honest book!
So a few quotes from his book....
Live and let live
Do not judge
Take it as it comes
Deal with it
Everything will be okay...
Another quote... "This is my brother, my blood, the only thing in this world created from that which I was created from, the Person in this world who knows me best, the Person who would miss me most if I was gone".
One one final one from the book, "More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I ever wanted is to feel as If I wasn't alone. I have tried to kill my loneliness with a girl or a woman, and it was never right. We would be together and be close to each other, but no matter how close we were, I still feel lonely".
With this, Monday ends here. Ian signing out!
Just Brokeback
Today has been a hard day for me! I have been replaying the last scene of Brokeback Mountain on and on - the shirts with Ennis and Jack hanging together. This last bit of the scene just got the best of me today. I just could not work well....sigh. I thought I was just a movie but the underlying message of the story just stuck with me! A forbidden love that was never to happen......
What next?
Just a movie about love......
I finally watched Brokeback Mountain today! It was the only Cinema in Tokyo showing it and it was quite nerve wrecking as I was going to see it on my own. I was hoping that I do not bump into anyone I know in Tokyo (not that I know many people here but who knows!). Anyway I came out alive and my heart is still aching. I was trully blown away by the frankness and sadness of it all.....
What makes the movie so strong is that knowing that many social restrictions are still in existence today even though the gay issues have gone mainstream. There are people out there who still condem these relationships as unholy and unacceptable but if you watch this movie with an open mind, you'll know that this is real as there are a lot of us out there who have been in this situation. Some made the right situation and some didn't and the heartbreak continues.... .
I hope that this film would open up our loves for everyone (straight or gay) and make sure that we honour any kind of love and face it if necessary and hope that we make the right decisions in our lives!
This movie will resonate with me for the rest of today if not, weeks to come....
Just friendships...
I remembered talking to a friend of mine who mentioned that gay relationships are pretty unstable ones! You may be happy and smiling on one day and the next day could be a cruel day. The man of your life decides he wants out because there is this cuter guy with better abs, glutes or biceps and he is younger and desirable! Or he could be shagging another person whilst you're not around or even under your nose because you're so madly in love that you forgive his antics and then one day, he has HIV and you're damned for life.
Or the mardi grass and rave parties - where countless good looking bods gyrating and rubbing each other! (yummy!). Is this what I want? I can't even loose the last 3 kgs of my body fat to get ripped let alone take my shirt off during the rave parties (not that I have gone to one!)
So are all gay relationships that shallow? I'm so paranoid of ending up alone but yet I can't seem to see how this relationship is going to work for me? Where is the level of commitment if this is only one sided! I know I'm in need of love but the reality of finding thie love concept is hard to grasp! I have yet to come across a strong and lasting relationship where both parties have mutual trust and respect for each other and their love is built on this friendship. Growing old together...
As for me, I know I'm a good guy deserving the Mr Right...but right now... i'm just so scared! Or maybe i should instead put my expectations, my longing for love and the need to be free of love of company and companions into good and stable friendships..Just maybe.....
Just not that evil
I have been a bit dead for the last few days! Just reading blogs but not inspired to write anything..... This is a reflection of my overall emotional and physical state. Just knackered after a few weeks of long hours at work, boozing, eating junk food, smoking, sleep deprived and not enough excercise. So this weekend in Tokyo is about just staying at home and do nothing!
Anyway came across this test from
bedstory.....
| You Are 26% Evil |
A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil. |
So - I'm the lurking evil in the back working out devious/mischievous schemes and shazams! Yeah right.....
Just not so Brokeback...
In my usual blog visits
anonyboy I worked on the Klien Sexual Orientation Grid...and the results are as follows:
Klein Sexual Orientation Grid
I scored an average of
3.38| Heterosexual | Bisexual | Homosexual |
Meaning
This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:
0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual
Summary
The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.
Take the quizSo does this mean that I can still move back to the other side of the fence? Or the above tests are screwed and it doesn't add any value to this whole process? But why do I keep admiring hunky guys and running away from my true self.....So sad isn;'t.
Just acting straight
Well a continuation from yesterdays work - I was a lot more patient today, calmed and worked till around 8 pm to get the documents out. So it's out and quickly got out of the office to head straight to a work function!
So I'm back now from the bar - feeling like shit again (my calories for this week is above normal!). Have to do a long run this weekend so that I could get rid of these excess calories.... no six pack abs in the near horizon! Shizer.
Anyway, at the bar, my sorry love life was at the for front of my colleauges conversation yet again! All are keen for me to get hook up pretty soon! I gave more excuses about work (didn't work this time round), then changed tactic that I met a couple of nice ladies last weekend and gotten their numbers (which is true as well). SO I'm going to call one person as she lives around here and see how it goes. It's going to be coffee only.....I'm acting REAL straight again tonight but I'm just really tired of having two sides to me! It's quite a challenge to behave like this...... but then again, not knowing what you want or whether swinging to the other side will work as well doesn't help the situation at all. It's a matter of when......
Ah well - not sure whether I'm making sense here today in my blog. My brains are going cloudy and typing skills are a bit slower than usual. I guess it's bed time for me and I need to crawl back to bed! and be ready for another day at work - which is going to be a long one as well. More drinks tomorrow night! hehehehe - no wonder I'm stil so STRAIGHT!
