My perfect companion..
Following on from yesterday's blog-my perfect companion would have the following traits:
1. Serious about a monagamous relationship.
2. Secure about himself
3. Confident and Caring
4. Good sense of humour
5. Enjoy sports
6. Into fitness and personal hygiene
7. Visually enticing to the eyes!
8, and wants to have a family.....
Or is it wishful to think that he will ever come into my life! Sigh....
Or yes - I forgotten to mention, and abs to die for! :-)
The million dollar question.
Ever since I was young-I had this glimpse of my future wife to be slim with a pretty face, nice ass, firm legs and boobies. I love long silky hair. She must not be too tall and my favourite programs were always Ms World and Ms Universe.
What happen since then? I discovered hot hunky guys in Hawaii and it was downhill then. Confusion and in denial to self hate (no, I have not thought about suicide!) But I managed to push this all aside and pour my energy into developing my career. That was pretty much 15 years ago! I tried to be attracted to women and it worked to a certain extent but I wasn't showing any chemistry to them in return. It just did not work my way! I must have broken several hearts!
Now being in my 30s, I have yet to fix that part of my life which I have been running away from all these years. I would like to do something about it and move on but there is just too much risk at this juncture of my career. So is it about money I fear losing or about the respect? Or the right person hasn't step into my life and would this ever happen?
If he would walk into my life, what would he be? Hmmm.....that's the million dollar question that I have been thinking lately.
Reflections
I'm going to be 34 in August.
One more year to being 35 and that means middle age!
This means 6 more years before I hit the big 40....shivers!
And I can't retire from work as I have two f&*king mortgages to service... I'm now a full time whore working for the banks!
Wrinkles are appearing! More shivers....But I still look 25 years old to others who don't know me. So that's a positive start.
I'm not out yet! Just prefering status quo.... That's why I'm still single but not feeling lonely! So is this healthy?
And for fear of serious discrimiation at work-status quo is the best option. I want to be a corporate achiever!
My ankles and joints are starting to give me problems this week (probably from too much running last 2 weeks - check this out, I clocked 85 km in 10 days straight!)
What's with gays and the saunas? No wonder straight guys have a low opinion of gays! That's why I still prefer status quo.
And I'm still confused but feeling more settled about myself....is this an oxymoron statement??? Who cares..... and this is my kind of a guy.
Everything about Caffine
Why coffee? It's simply divine if the right mixture of coffee beans and frothy milk is concocted and it is love at first sight! Always with coffee....
I must say I only started drinking coffee when I started work. It was late nights after late nights of work and tight deadlines and shitty bosses and one day, I just couldn't stay a wake in the afternoon and that was when I resorted to expresso shots. The first time I took the caffine shots, the alert factor lasted the whole day. After that it progressively got worst and I'm now addicted big time to caffine! Funny my love affair of coffee did not start at my Uni days.... I must have missed out on all those late nights at the library studying for my mid terms. No wonder my grades were lousy! Where have I been? Anyway, I must say I'm drinking lots of coffee to make up for the lost years!
My love affair of caffine has taken me to new highs now. I must have my caffine shot or else serious withdrawal symptons like - migraines, sweaty palms, easily distracted will somehow appear...
Check out the photos-the various colours and textures at the various cafes...
Back at home...
Well, I'm now back in my comfort of my own space! I don't have to worry about others checking on me. It's now my space and my own laptop! I don't have to worry about others knowing what I do when I read other "Brokeback" blogs!
I must say for the last 3 weeks, the fact that I can't keep up with my fellow bloggers and my dosage of harmless gay porn, I have done pretty well. No serious withdrawal symptoms! hey...I survived! However, I'm now more aware of my surroundings and I tend to check the guys more often than the girls nowadays. I tend to notice the subtleties of the guys, their apperances, and their physical stature. How they carry themselves and how they look after their bodies. Hmmm...... Not that I don't do in the past but I use to deny these feelings but now I kind of accept that I'm some what attracted to good looking bodies..and guys. At the end of the day, I'm still a closeted staight gay guy.....
Whenever I travel. the stewards and the stewardess have been pretty presentable and good looking but this time it has been pretty average. In fact below average...so rather than gawking at them, I have decided to concentrate on the views outside the cabin!
Why do I always travel with uninteresting fellow travellers! They are all physically challenged and uninspiring unless you are attracted to power and money.
So where do I meet my fellow future partners.....? I'm running of options now....sigh
At the waterfront
Today I had dinner in town with some straight friends of mine - you know the usual couple stuff plus singles like me hanging off them! Good to catch up with some old mates of mind reminiscing our past holidays or my trips back here. Plus some good meals and drinks to go with at the waterfront.
And to top it up we had this gorgeous waiter serving us! Gosh was he handsome or what....I just couldn't tear my eyes of him :-) not too muscular but firm. Nice butts and not too tall either :-) and a pleasant smile! However, I must say this was done really discreetly-hopefully no one pick that up! Gosh... I can only take him to my dreams.....sigh! but that's better than nothing! :-)
Smoking POT
Life is good! Just last night, I managed to cross out one of the things on my to do list. To smoke POT! :-)
Yes it was good, something rebelious! Should have done this when I was at University or when I was in Amsterdam (in 1996) but was too geeky to even tried it out then!
As for feeling high! I certainly felt the effect but it was good. Just feeling really relaxed! At that time I wasn't sure whether it was the wine or the POT.
Will I smoke POT again? I think that's a YES...
Private Blogging
Wow - took me about half an hour to get into this page! What a challenge when you do not have fast broadband connection at home! Some places are still so far off from high speed connection. It just makes me feel more appreciative of what I have in Tokyo.
Well what have I done since I last blog last week? I have travelled a further 10 hours to get down to the southern hemisphere and I'm here right now. Good to be back here after being away for almost 12 months and it's always great to catch up with friends and family!
I must say, the first couple of days here is all about work and more work. I can't even get onto the net as all access have been disconnected. So our offices here are pretty much focus on work and nothing else! Putting that aside, it has been good. Managed to squeeze in 4 runs over 4 days at 10 kms per run and have managed to cut down on the alcohol intake as well. So no more late nights for me over the last couple of days! :-)
BLogging is still a challenge! Managed to squeeze one in tonight without the brother knowing too much. Everyone is in bed right now! So I have quietly sneaked downstairs just to blog! What a life eh?
Happy Easter Holidays!
Gone deep sea fishing
Well, I have not been able to blog for the last few days because I have friends over at my place in Tokyo. We have been out partying, sightseeing and catching up with their friends as well. So yeah! I have a couple of extra phone numbers to call when I need the numbers for friends in Tokyo! Also found a couple of cool places to eat and hangout. I'm so Roppongi out and never knew there was a world outside Roppongi!
Today I'm in Singapore for a short break before I continue my onward journey for work. And like me, I have always try to do as much as possible on my day off and guess what I forgot to bring my running shoes! Can't go to the gym or run. So I guess the only thing I can do is blog in an open area!!! If anyone caught me here-that would be an interesting coming out session :-)
Ah well, I need to go and buy a pair of running shoes here. I'll go beserk if I don't get to use the gym this week..in fact I have not been excersing since Monday and I feel fat! That's when one's life evolve around work, boozing and excercising! Sad and pathetic!
So, I'll be away for 2 weeks and blogging will be sporadic if not uninteresting titles.
Ian signing out!
PS - Still haven't told my friends yet....
Weekend Blues
I have my two really good friends visiting me in Tokyo this week. So being the so called tour guide, I have been pretty busy with showing the sites and the pubs in Tokyo.
Hence I have not been able to read my favourite blogs this weekend without being caught!. They don't know that I blog! Have kept this new activity pretty secret from everyone!
They don't know that I'm dealing with this gay issue as well and have been wanting to tell them. They deserve to know but i just can't get myself to tell them. I believe the time is right but just haven't found the right opportunity to do so. Telling them would put me at ease to know that some of my closest friends finally know the real me and I don't have to play straight all the time with them :-) But then again, if I do come out to them, will this be official that I have come to terms about myself?
Who knows???
