Just fucking pissed off!
The day started off really well with me doing my half an hour walk to work and had my usual Starbucks coffee. Emails were reasobably easy to manage today with lots more spam mails than work mails :-) So it was a matter of going through them and deleting those unwanted sex fiend emails!
Until I saw this email from a colleague of mine! Thinking of the worse possible situation, called him and discussed issues. Man was he pedantic! Spent nearly half an hour negotiating some fucking processes that will only apply to us here and nowhere else! How can one be so pedantic? or keeps repeating stuff that just does not make sense? I so wish to strangle him after all the effort we have put in during the year. Spent long hours over the phone to discuss matters and processes! Who will do that man? I feel that I have been walked all over and my initial efforts have just gone down the drain..... What a let down! just imagine the performance review next quarter! Ian - you did not engage this person? you did not draw the line! you were not firm enough....and the list goes on and on. One black mark and the shining star goes into reverse and before you know it's time to say adious!
Ah well - it's only a job. I need to let go! I need to be in control of the situation and just take what ever comes. Tomorrow is another day and it's going to be really hectic if not worst!
Just Brokenback Mountain
That's right...I'm just going to be another blog in this universe that need to join the bandwagon on Brokeback Mountain.
And it's finally going to be shown this weekend in Tokyo! Yeah! and yes I'm going to watch it alone! :-( Not sure what to expect by I know the expectations are pretty high! Need to manage this.....or else I'll be bitterly disappointed !
Here are some of my favourite pictures:
Some of my friends have coined this term to refer that someone is gay - You just so Brokeback! :- ) That's quite amusing..... yeah right! But then again, A gay love story is a love story. That's why I'm going to watch it alone!
Just airline lounges
I was flying to Taipei this evening and had a 2 1/2 hour lay over period before I connected my next flight. Unlike HK or Changi airports, Taipei airport is not as alluring as those two airports. The amount of people travelling via Taiwan is nothing compared to HK and Changi and was worried shit how I was going to occupy my time here... There was no people watching because there are hardly anyone at the transit terminal! Shopping is not great here! No English Book shops here or if there is one, the number of selection of English reading materials are limited to last year all time favourites or outdated magazines!
Not looking forward to a 2 hour wait, I just walked around the airport just minding my own business. Worried how I was going to kill time. Looking out for internet stations so that I can read blogs again but there was none! Then I spoted my favourite airline lounge!
Hehehehe....In no time did I hesitate to flash my priority card and just walked into the lounge. Parked myself at the leather seats, read the newspapers, drank a couple of cans of beer and off course had food to calm the noisy rumbling stomach. Yes - I'm cheap! ....and of course being a loyal frequent flyer, I had the free usage of internet :-)
Ah well, I'm a happy chappy guy today.
Just airports
The last time I was at the airport it was last year when I moved to Tokyo. It has been almost 2 months since I've stepped into an airport and airplane! And tomorrow I'm flying to Taiwan for the weekend - to catch up some of my friends there. Cool eh? I must say it's an expensive weekend.
This change in lifestyle has certainly come about.....just last year, I was in and out of the airports at least twice a month if not 4 times. Pretty hectic lifestyle though.....I did enjoy the luxurious hotel stays, checking out the night markets, travelling in business class (and being served champagne and wine and excellent food), getting airpoints perks and the best of them - being able to leave the country and travel. Being alone in a different cities and enjoying being anonymous :-) But to be brutally honest, I can only managed the solo travel for about 10 days and then I crave for company again!
I guess no matter how I enjoy being independent, I crave for good friendships. I enjoy the weekend brunches with friends, hanging out at the cafes and gorging yum char food with Chinese Tea or catching up with the latest movies! I also looked forward to my gym sessions with my trainer who I secretly have had a crushed on him for a long time but he is straight as a pole. So no way he was going to swing the other way... :-) Cest la vie!
Just fate....
Ever believed that if it's yours, no matter what happens, it will be yours? or rather put it from a negative connotation - if it's not yours to be, then it will not be yours....
And this applies to work, career, relationship, and maybe consumer items?
I don't know whether to believe in fate or not but when I'm at a crossroad or when I did not get what I want out of my career aspirations, my mom will usually say with a big sigh! - Son, if it meant to be yours, it will be yours. No matter how hard you try, or want it, if it's not yours, it will not be yours to keep! To tell you the truth, I hated this statement so much that I'll go into a very miserable mood and next thing I know, I have lost all motivation in life.
Having said that, fate has been kind in other ways. Some examples to back this up-
1. Ten years ago when I was started out to work, my first priority was to remain in my home country to work with a reputable company. That failed miserably (ie no matter how hard I tried, I just did not get the jobs that I wanted - even the lousy jobs!). I ended up some where in Asia, got a job within a week with a reputable company without trying that hard. So I worked there for the next 3 years.
2. When I moved back home, again I wanted to work with a reputable company, again fate was not on my side and ended up with a medium size corporation but moved again within 6 months to a new job.
3. The new job was not meant to be because I hated working with the managers. They were lousy bunch of people to work with! I decided that I was going to leave them. I have been with them since then.... Funny how things turn up!
4. Likewise, my current job in Japan was again not my first priority but ended up here and throughly enjoying my stay here.
I seem to be going with the flow driven by the cosmic energy generated by fate! So really not sure what's going to happen next. So I guess I would need to swim with this flow until it hits a rock/barrier!
From a relationship perspective, it has been sucks all the way! So not sure what is fate trying to tell me? Am I to remain single all my life or do I need to embrace myself and slowly tackle the world again in my own way. I'm not sure whether I'm an optimistic or pessismistic here but my emotional stage is so miserable that I'm not sure how I got by over the last couple of years. Only fate will tell and possibly over time....if ever.
Ian signing out!
Just random thoughts.....
Quite unstructured thoughts for tonight. It's about 12:30 am Tokyo time and I'm again not going to bed before 12 pm.
Saw gym boy today at my usual work out hours. I was actually quite happy to bump into him again but as usual, he is in his own world. So no communication what so ever.... how do I get to talk to him?? People like me with a faint heart would not be able to even mutter a few words! Will the universe cosmic energy help with this?
Wanted to get a hair cut today but the 1000 yen shop did not want to accept anyone after 8:45 pm. Bummer - I have to visit them again tomorrow at some reasonable hour.....this means that I have to finish work by 7 pm and rush back home. Need the haircut badly before this weekend's friend's wedding reception. Need to look my best! :-) (for the ladies and the guys too....)
Is blogging good for you? I have spent more time on blogs than surfing porn sites lately....so that's good isn't?
Just Wedding Bells
I just found out that my cousin that I grew up with is getting married in October this year.
Slight problem for me! A very good friend of mine is getting married and it's on the same day as well... That's a dilemma as I'm expected to attend the cousins wedding being the eldest in the family. To top it up, these two weddings are being held in two opposite sites of the continent!
Well the cousin's wedding is going to be painful for me as my bachelorhood will be the talk of the town with curious cousins and aunties asking why I'm still single! ......Hmm.... because I've working really hard at my career over the last couple of years and enjoying the globe trekking lifestyle of a single yuppie guy! So is this too hard to comprehend? Or would it be easier to say - well people I'm gay and I like men! That would shut them up pretty fast wouldn't and it will be complete silence for a while. Peace at last!
But being a nice, likeable guy like me, I would just laugh at their comments and say life is too hectic to even think about settling down now! or I have a huge mortgage and I would like to pay them off before I settle down...Any more excuses?
On second thoughts, being at my friends wedding would be better, No nosey aunties/uncles and cousins to pry into my bachelorhood! Although I'm expected to bring a partner along....any takers? :-)
Just Blood Bags...
Somthing I learnt the other night. Don't write your blog when you're intoxicated! That doesn't help with the functioning of one's brain cells. I remember that for every beer drunk, there would be thousands of brain cells that will be destroyed. Alas, my writing skills were at the junior level with lots of spelling mistakes and sentences that did not made any sense at all. Thanks to modern technology, I could edit my blog (instead of deleting it or tearing it off from my diary!)
So today, I'm in another mood of self discovery! I know I'm going in circles again and somehow the confusion seem to be prolonged because of my inaction! Having said that, what am I suppose to do. It's so easy to be in this zone, where a routine life has been created around my self denial of who I am. I worked like a mule. So that my energy can be focused on work and hopefully this "thing" will go away and I will eventually fall madly in love with someone! Yeah right! For a 30 something to think as if this will go away will show how mature I am but there this maybe concept that I'll turn out alright. Hmmmm.....
Don't get me wrong, my life has been good. I thank GOD for that and I'm trully grateful that HE has provided me with the necessary guidance and strength. I travel all over Asia for work, stay in the finest hotels and dine in one of the finest restaurants. My direct managers have been really supportive of my career and have given me the opportunity to grow as well. I think I'm healthy albeit the drinking binges I have had in the past - done a couple of half marathons and a full marathon (yes - I was running away as well), supportive family and friends. All I need now is a partner....and that's the most difficult one!
So I guess, I have the following questions to ask myself:
(a) When I dream or fantasize sexually, is it about boys or girls?
Answer: Yes all the time and it's men only.
(b) Have I ever had a crush or been in love with a boy or a man?
Answer: Yes, too many times..... and they all straight guys!
(c) Do I feel different than other guys?
Answer: Totally different...
(e) Are my feelings for boys and men true and clear?
Answer: Oh yes, you bet. But I need to draw that line when it comes to straight guys.
Did a Are you a gay test and guess what I'm 50% gay.
So I'm not the typical guy who hangs out at the techno bars oggling at the hod bods..... or swapping partners. I just want to do the usual stuff - that's all, have a family, a good career and a good partner. That's what I'm asking for.
Not sure what Blood Bags has got to do with this topic but I guess, if I don't figure this out, I'm going to be a blood bag :-)
Just intoxicated
I'm now known as one beer max!
Having been out a couple of times with my colleagues at work, I'm now known as One Beer Max because when it comes to hanging out and having beers, I can't seem to say No! I realised that I enjoy the company of the other project team members, and they being in Tokyo for an only 2 weeks, I thought what ever rules I have regarding the managing my night outs, I'll be relaxing these rules.
My colleauges are so wanting me to be hooked up at work but who am I to kid?. Tonight at the last local hangout (a little Japanese restaurant next to Mita Station), they were quizing me about my girlfriend requirements and what "type" will suit me. True I'm an eligible bachelor but none of the girlfriends that I have had in the past have given me the satisfaction, only more questions and uncertainties. Anyway, I refused to be drawn into this discussion and tried to change the subject. We certainly moved on to the next topic but I bet they have their lingering thoughts....Is he gay or straight? Why is he still single? (I can't blame it on work anymore!). Has he been laid since he got to Tokyo?
SO I guess, there is no real answer to this situation, we need to some how manage this better and ensure that there is balance in our lives. Be thankful that GOD has given us this life (staight or gay).
Have fun at the weekend.
Just brain dead
I wanted to write something interesting today but I'm just brain dead after going through 3 days of workshops and discussing processes and business rules! Very riveting discussions and debate....not quite sure how we add value to the organisation! I have also had to deal with a slight expectation issue as well. Got a bit out of control but managed to contain the fall out by lunch time! So all in, it has been pretty intense 3 days and 2 more days to go! sigh....
Also did a 3 hours perforrmance review with my boss today. So I'm a rising STAR! :-) That was a major confident booster but had to go through some of the "constructive" discussion on some of my behaviours. I guess at the end of this session, I think I know myself a little bit better.
Well - just too tired to go on.... sigh!
Just valentined out
Not sure if this word exists but hey it's Valentines' today.
My Valentine Days have been a non event for the last 20 years (or since I found out what it means!). So today is another day where the singles just like to avoid, gives excuse that this is just another corporate mumbo jumbo to make more money out from the loving cheesy couples! So who needs 12 red roses? So who needs boxes of chocolates? So who needs to pay premium prices for an expensive diners? Not me.....for the time being until the ONE that comes into my life.
So until this so called day arrives, I'm relegated to the single statistics! Grumpy "sort" of old guy.....and who has lost out to the bastion of romantiscm and it doesn't help if you're gay and still closeted! What a fucking mess!
Konbanwan!
Just one of the many questions
From a career perspective...
1. What do I want to do in the next 5 years? 10 years?
2. Where do I see myself in this company in the next 5 years?
From an emotional perspective...
1. Where do I find myself?
2. Where is GOD?
3. Why is the world so fucking cruel?
4. Where is LOVE?
5. Where do I find my future partner?
I can't think of any questions for now....Jeez am I that boring? or is my focus on life just not there???
Just a crazy world
This is my first attempt to write something about politics and the world events....
We have been indaunated with news from CNN/BBC and the newspapers about the riots in Middle East, protesters in the UK, Indonesia and Malaysia over the issues of the caricatures of the Prophet. Reading the news and watching them on TV indicates that this world is simply crazy. There are differences in cultures, opinions, religions, gender issues, sexuality and many more. But what I don't understand is the force behind this craziness.
In one aspect of the issue, is the freedom to write and express opinions and the other is to respect the religion of others as well. So how do we draw this line? No doubt there would be lots of discussions and opinions of these issues and what we are going to do as a civil society....BUT sometimes I ask myself, are we really that civil?? We talked about respect and what is this about? In my own simple view of life, the word respect in its form is a behavourial pattern that is asked for when our society is increasingly globalised. That means that there are 1001 views of how issues that are interpreted, we may not necessarily believe that is the right way of interpretation but we choose to excercise our disagreement and walked away from it. Not to show anger, not to kill and not to burn buildings down. Example, when the President of Iran said that the Holocoust never happen, did the Israelies burnt and tortured other Iraninian buildings. No! When the terrorists attacked New York city - did the West burnt and closed down embassies? No.....so why the hypocracies? But then again, the policies of the west have not helped either! So are we heading for a clash of civilization? I think so..... looked at the craziness of this world!.
The solution is to ensure that we are open minded, mature and secular in nature. It's time to separate religion from politics.
Just contemplating
Although I was out on Friday night, I was disciplined and did not drink excessively...Well at least I paced myself and had a couple of bottles of water in between drinks! So the morning was a good start....no hang over! :-)
It's a Saturday today and spring is in the air! So it was a nice walk to work (yes, I had to go back to clear some stuff - you just can't imagine how much shit I had to go through last couple of weeks and decided that I have to do a couple of hours to clear the pile of to do list!). In my daily walks to work, I have to pass Shiba Koen (or Shiba Park) on my way and normally at 8 am in the morning, you don't get a lot of people strolling around the park! But today, the Park is full of kids and young parents. The pramps were out and the parents were fussing over their kids. In that moment of time, I thought to myself that most of the young parents are around my age and somehow I just wished I was them - with kids to cuddle and care for. I could have been married by now and just could be one of them as well. Why am I cursed with this confusion, I ask myself? How do I get around this? and for that splitting moment, I thought I wanted to be normal again so that I can fall in love with a woman and marry her! But then again, who am I kidding? Just myself.... I'm still physically attracted to guys and somehow women just won't do it for me! Thus I'm really hesitant to even find out if I can pursue a straight relationship. I get cold feet if a woman shows a slight hint of interest for me! How can I tell someone that I'm closeted and yet enjoy a straight relationship? How would she feel? What would she think of me? What if she confides in her friends? I would be a laughing stock!
So you see it's not easy....what ever decisions you make in this life, you would just have to face the consequences. Being straight and normal is so easy and convenient. Only if I was born this way. So for the time being, I have resolved to remain single and act overwhelming straight but I still like to go to the gym and stay fit. My gaydar will be switched on (not working at all by the way!) but the best men is always at the tip of your mouse... and that is satisfaction for the time being...... Sorry...finding LOVE is low priority for me at this point in time. But if the right man (maybe woman as well?) comes, I wll be there to embrass him/her with my open arms! Only destiny will tell! Sigh.....
Just work...
Today has been mainly work starting from 8:30 am right through to 8:30 pm! It has been intense documentation review (very intense indeed), discussion over processes (how exciting!) and conference calls! Tomorrow is not going to be easy as well but I'm hoping to a good night out with some colleauges at Tokyo's city expat hang out! (how bull shit is this going to sound!)
Something I read on the net!
Wonder telling you boss you're gay is another way of poisiong your career!!! :-) On second thoughts may be not!
10 Ways to Poison Your Career
By Kate Lorenz, CareerBuilder.com Editor
It takes anywhere from three to 15 months to find the right job -- yet just days or weeks to lose it. Here are 10 traits that are career poison:
1. Possessing Poor People Skills
A little likeability can go a long way. Studies by both the Harvard Business Review and Fast Company magazine show that people consistently and overwhelmingly prefer to work with likeable, less-skilled co-workers than with highly competent jerks. Researchers found that if employees are disliked, it's almost irrelevant whether they're good at what they do, because other workers will avoid them.
2. Not Being a Team Player
No one feels comfortable around a prima donna. And organizations have ways of dealing with employees who subvert the team. Just ask Philadelphia Eagles Wide Receiver Terrell Owens, who was suspended for the 2005 season after repeatedly clashing with and taking public shots at his teammates and management. Show you're a team player by making your boss look like a star and demonstrating that you've got the greater good of the organization at heart.
3. Missing Deadlines
If the deadline is Wednesday, first thing Thursday won't cut it. Organizations need people they can depend on. Missing deadlines is not only unprofessional, it can also play havoc with others' schedules and make your boss look bad. When making commitments, it's best to under-promise and over-deliver. Then, pull an all-nighter if you have to. It's that important.
4. Conducting Personal Business on Company Time
The company e-mail and phone systems are for company business. Keep personal phone calls brief and few -- and never take a call that will require a box of tissues to get through. Also, never type anything in an e-mail that you don't want read by your boss; many systems save deleted messages to a master file. And we can't tell you how many poor souls have gotten fired for hitting the "Reply All" button and disseminating off-color jokes -- or worse yet -- rants about their boss for all to see.
5. Isolating Yourself
Don't isolate yourself. Develop and use relationships with others in your company and profession. Those who network effectively have an inside track on resources and information, and can more quickly cut through organizational politics. Research shows effective networkers tend to serve on more successful teams, get better performance reviews, receive more promotions and be more highly compensated.
6. Starting an Office Romance
Unless you're in separate locations, office romances are a bad idea. If you become involved with your boss, your accomplishments and promotions will be suspect; if you date a subordinate, you leave yourself open to charges of sexual harassment. And if it ends badly, you're at risk of everyone knowing about it and witnessing the unpleasantness.
7. Fearing Risk or Failure
If you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. Have a can-do attitude and take risks. Instead of saying, "I've never done that," say, "I'll learn how." Don't be afraid to fail or make mistakes. If you do mess up, admit it and move on. Above all, find the learning opportunities in every situation. Remember, over time, risk-aversion can be more hazardous to your career than error.
8. Having No Goals
Failure doesn't lie in not reaching your goal, but in not having a goal to reach. Set objectives and plan your daily activities around achieving them. Eighty percent of your effectiveness comes from 20 percent of your activities. Manage your priorities and focus on those tasks that support your goals.
9. Neglecting Your Image
Fair or not, appearance counts. People draw all kinds of conclusions from the way you present yourself. So don't come to work poorly groomed or in inappropriate attire. Be honest, use proper grammar and avoid slang and expletives. You want to project an image of competence, character and commitment.
10. Being Indiscreet
Cubicles, hallways, elevators, bathrooms -- even commuter trains -- are not your private domain. Be careful where you hold conversations and what you say to whom. Don't tell off-color jokes, reveal company secrets, gossip about co-workers or espouse your views on race, religion or the boss' personality. Because while there is such a thing as free speech, it's not so free if it costs you your job!
Kate Lorenz is the article and advice editor for CareerBuilder.com. She researches and writes about job search strategy, career management, hiring trends and workplace issues.
Just do not have enough time
I seem to be racking up negative hours in the sleeping department. I have been clocking between 5 - 6 hours on a weekday and maybe 8 hours during the weekend. Is this sufficient? I don't think so! Reports have indicated that if you have an average of 7 hours a day, you'll live longer! My gosh! - I'm definitely not going to live that long!
Work has been quite full on and have been doing an average about 10 hours a day, an hour in the gym, back home to cook, wash up, read the newspaper, read some blogs, chat on line and then finishing the day by reading in bed. This will take me right to 12:30 am or thereabouts! So not sure how I'm going to fit in my Japanese lessons and other activities! Timing is just so tight! and if I need to write a proper blog, I need some more time to do so! What about surfing the net? I don't have time to do this as well. It just gets too complicated for me to manage on my own!
Furthermore this weekend I have colleagues from HQ who is going to cut into my spare time as well! Shizer!
Just feeling detached...
My friend who was here the weekend has been quite an interesting character. We chatted a lot in the weekend and got to know each other pretty well... We have been friends on and off for the last couple of years and we finally reconnected again this year! Friendships are interesting concept....they come and go and then reappear again for some reason. Just like the flow of the universe!
I swear, if I had made the move, we would have move this friendship to a different level! But I had that detached feeling....not wanting to do anything except enjoy the company!
She was flirtatious but I wasn't.
She was keen, but I was non commital.
She was there to listen out to me, but I kept it in me!
She was encouraging me, but I kept to myself,
She was a friend, and I was just a friend to her as well!
All in it was a different weekend but I now know that I'm not attracted to women anymore! So what does it say for me?.....more confirmation that I'm heading towards the otherside of the fence! Sigh......
Just running away....
There was a lot of soul searching this weekend (just maybe!)....My friend and I caught up after a long period of half empty promises to catch up! She turned up to be quite a character having gone through a couple of break ups and career choices and eventually spiritual enlightenment! It was good talking to her as it provoked some hard knock issues that I have to settle soon....or else, I'm just going to be in this zone - neither here nor there! Surely this is going to be difficult to face as one grows older and people expect more of you!
We agree that we are running away from ourselves and that is why we enjoy the work, the travelling and the independence! We enjoy being free but yet consious of our singlehood and dead scared of being lonely! But then again, with good health and good career prospect, these issues sometimes become secondary! However, we are mere mortals at the end of the day, and we depart to the other room, what do we leave behind? and to whom? and being human beings, we need to be loved and to love others.
So why are we running away? Well for me, I'm just scared to tell anyone of my situation. What do I do if I come out? What's going to happen to my career prospects? People's opinion and their respect of me? My family.... what are they going to say? React? And can one keep a lasting relationship with the same sex - considering gay relationships are very unstable! What about HIV and AIDs - which are so prevalent around us and the stigma attached to being gay! So many questions but not enough answers. So what can I do but to hide here! Until someone saves me! But who will that be though?
I have asked forgiveness from GOD and hope that whatever decisions I make in the future, I sincerely hope that he will be there for me! That's having faith in HIM but then again I'm just so scared! I'm not willing to let go!
So what do I do? I just keep running away - further and further into oblivion and then one day! Ka boom......
Just being the host for the week
Well I have not been blogging for the last couple of days because a friend of mine was in town for work and the she extended her stay here for the rest of the week. Hence I have not been able to share my thoughts! You see, I am an anonymous blogger and none of my closest friend know about my new found activity (except one!). And to my horror, my damn LAN cable is not long enough to extend to my room where I can blog in my own privacy! Ah well, at least it's only a couple of days!
It has been a good week with series of activities playing host to my friend. This is a welcome change from the routine stuff that I have been doing since the begining of the new year. Explored a new part of Tokyo and checked out a local hangout! Another suburb where no "gaijins" will venture if without a recommendation. Tell you what, it took me an hour on the train to get there from Shinjuku and another 45 minutes to arrive home.
The next day we went up north towards to Nikko but before we arrived at our destination, we missed our train stop because the train we were travelling in, split into two parts, the first part (the first two cars) will go all the way to Nikko and the rest - some where north of Tokyo! And you can guess which part of the train we were in!
After 10 minutes on the train, we realised we were definitely on the wrong direction and quickly got out at the next station. Only to find out that the next train back is for another half an hour. So we were out there freezing!
But we got back eventually and managed to reach our destination. Nikko is an ancient town with 3 fabulous temples and lovely cheese cakes! (had two pieces on Sat).
It's also one of the coldest spot for me - the temperature went down to -3 C and visiting the shrines in the forest was a challenge!
Would you pay 500 yen to cross this bridge?
We were glad that we got back into the train where it was so much warmer! Got back to Tokyo eventually and decided to check this little eating area in Mita.
It's one of the best little eating haunt I have been in - it has some individual characteristics, collection of the 40's and 50's items, very small out fit (probably can fit up to 15 people at any given time!) and certainly very cosy.
