Career change?
Just two nights ago, I was propositioned for a business venture. Not sure whether it was the alcohol talking or not but two ladies offered to pay me half an hour to do a striptease in front of them. For just $300 for half an hour - now that is serious money talking here! But just wait till they see that layer of fat on me!! That will freak them out!
I may be thinking about getting myself a new job but I am not so sure about a career change at the age of 34 and going into the "entertainment' business! Competing with those younger hunky looking guys!! How long will I last in this business :-)
Only if I look like him......
The wonders of texting...
Well, I managed to gather all my courage and actually typed up a message and texted it over to him. At least if the answer is no - the rejection is a lot easier to deal with. It is easier to hide behind the text messages!! Anyway, He replied!! Wow - he was keen to meet up for drinks - off course with friends but he actually text me! Hey hey hey - that really boosted my confidence for the day!
Did we meet up? Well... NO - I didn't expect to go out that night but agreed that we should meet up again! Not sure if this was a let down but I did not anticipate the events that occurred during the night!! Ah well cest la vie!!
A new crush.....
I just read AA's blog on CRUSH and started to think and contemplate about my crushers. Some pathetic but for some I have painfully accepted the consequence and as a result built more emotional sheild around me. I can't believe at 34 I still have this teenage crush still going on internally with me but I guess I am now letting these emotions surfaced up so that I can deal with them - address them and stop surpressing these emotions. Whether this will turn into the first emotional kiss or date. Who knows....:-)
Just the other day - I met someone briefly during dinner. He had one of the most sincere smiles I have ever come across in a long time. I realised that his smile was drawing my attention and not least my curiosity. I have known him for a while - we are really acquaintances but our paths never crossed except for the once a year occassion that my family will bumped into his family. I realised that I did not even noticed him for some reason. Once in a while we will say hi and that is about as far as we go with our conversations. This time, not sure what happened I simply asked him for his cell phone number! (I did not realised that I was asking for it when I found myself in an akward postion - I don't even know his name!!) Now - whether he is straight or gay - I was looking out for signs during the entire dinner time but just could not read it (I swear my dinner guest was wondering why I wasn't paying attention to her). However based on my usual non effective attraction to straight guys - he is probably straight as a pole (like my other hot crush in Japan - the Gym Boy). I am still debating whether I should text him or not and ask him out for drinks. I guess I better not leave this too late or else I would miss my boat again!
There have been other crushers in my life - I used to have this thing for my personal trainer! The first time I saw him, I was attracted to his overall stature and poise and for some reason I signed up with him not intentionally but through a friend of mine in the gym. As usual - he is straight as a pole! So I could only admire him from the far. Had some issues dealing with the crush thing but I managed to overcome that personally (that for me was a personal achievement with me managing my emotions - did not want to be a raging/emotional gay guy). I still train with him but no longer have the crush. I guess he may have suspected the gayness in me but he has treated me as a straight guy - mostly sharing jokes of women and salivating at some of them in the gym.
More to come.......
First Class Travel
It has been a nightmare trying to get tickets out of Singapore due to the Chinese New Year holidays. I have planned my trip to KL, Malaysia for the last couple of weeks and managed to redeem my airpoints to fly "free" to KL. Unfortunately that was not the case as my so called redeemed tickets got cancelled twice in the last two weeks. So the desperate me last night was cursing and swearing at the Customer Service officer. Surprisingly she was clamed and apologise profusely but she can't do much! Alas, I became calmed and collected. All the economy seats were taken, and the next class of travelling - Business was also taken. So I ended up booking myself on First Class on my air points! I shrieked when she indicated that I had to part about 35,000 points to get myself a ticket. So I caved in! and now am flying First Class for 40 minutes on Singapore Airlines!!
Yeah baby - that's the Singapore Air experience alright!!
Anyway, I won't be accesssing my emails and won't be blogging whilst I am away! Happy Chinese New YEar to all you out there who are celebrating the festive season. If not HAPPY holidays. See you in 5 days!!
Thank you!
I should have written this earlier but well - excuses excuses excuses. So I am not even going to mention them here at all.
I have been blogging well over 12 months and it has been a journey for me - reading others gay related theme blogs. Trying to make sense of my life and why I am still in the closet. I realised that I am not the only one in this world that is struggling internally. In this world of blogging, these bloggers have shared their most intimate stories and moments with the rest of the world. I have laughed with them, I wept with them and off course if I could say some nice words I would comment as well. As for me, being the novice in town, I have also received more than a fair share of encouraging words/comments from them.
As in my daily blogs - I would read my favourite blogs - in no particular order but I always look forward in reading blogs from the
Accidental Activist - who has encouraged me all the way. I look forward to read his blogs and in turn look forward for his comments. His views/opinions on politics interests me and I could relate to them. His own journey has encourage me as well and hope that I too would have to courage to seek relationships from this journey. He made reference to my blog earlier this month which was really touching! With that I knew I had the encouragement all the way. I was really disappointed that AA was going to take a break from blogging but he is back now. I am trully happy for that.
There are two other blogs that I would like to make reference here as well:
Tokio Bleu - Shigeki san writes beautifully and he always put a positive note on life. I enjoyed his reference to his job, his daily life and his jet setting trips to all over the world. His pictures and satires helped ease stress from my daily work - trust me on that! And whilst I was in Japan last year, he thought me one or two things about the Japanese culture. Now back in not so funky Singapore, Shigeki san is my only connection to the Japanese world.
Bandit Talks - Rick is a great guy and his experiences with relationships have made him stronger. He too had an impact on how I view the gay life in America - which is almost surreal! Not all gay guys are sex fiends but real people with emotions that have to be satisfied just like any other ordinary straight people.
So to my three favourite blogs - Thank you! and tomorrow is Valentine's day, So here is to hope for long lasting relationships with your loved ones (or soon to be found loved ones).
What is REAL?
I had a very wierd conversation the other day! Not sure whether wierd is the right word to describe it but it was something that usually doesn't happen to me on a daily basis.
I went back to work on Sunday in the afternoon to finish off some reports and just before I managed to press the send button on my email system, my cell phone rang!! It was LY - OMG. It has been sometime since I last heard from her! We started off on the usual pleasantaries - how are you? what are you doing etc ? and our conversation sought of died down a little. Then she said she wanted to introduce a girlfriend of hers! Who is really compatabile to me blah blah blah! She asked when I would be free to meet up them. Gosh - I felt pushed into a corner! I said I would like to meet up but I have so many commitments coming up for the next couple of weeks and the only time I could meet up with them would be in April! (Man - that really sound like a pathetic excuse!) She got all a bit defensive and went on about that this friend now knows about me and it was her responsibility to let me know that she has adviced her friend about me! I go what?? What have you committed? Anyway - the converation went back and forth about whether I was interested blah blah blah. And to be honest - I wish I could say that I am not interested and you know what she would ask why anyway! So I decided to take the neutral approach and came up with 1001 excuses. Pathetic eh?
And next I got puched in the gut when she said that I have changed! Since I got back from Japan and I have been very distance and I am no longer "REAL"! So I asked what does it mean to be real? I asked her to provide me with examples to justify her comments and she got really confused. Anyway, I spoke to her for another 20 minutes about my so called definition of friendships and how I view them and cherish them. I also mentioned that I am a very practical guy and friends do come and go in our lifetime. Whether we see this a just life or do we see that as rejection - she could not give me a clear answer.
I tried to see from her point of view and kind of agree that I have changed but that is because I find that the people I use to hang out in the weekends have moved on and I have certainly moved on but she can't seem to comprehend this concept. She got a bit defensive and started to accuse me of being racist (not sure how that fit in our conversation) blah blah blah and that I should be a lot better than another friend of ours! I should have been more open minded, more generous and be more spontaneous.
At that point of time I wanted to say - I had enough of this kind of shit and yes I moved away from you because I don't see any thing that we commanly do now! I got worried that if I got closer to you, you would fall for me and I cannot handle this because I am so fucked up there that I still can;t accept who am I. Okay - I did not say all this but ended our converation cordially. Wish her well and say our good byes. I certainly hope that I would not hear from her for some time. So maybe next time eh?
Hibernation
Not sure whether the above title is approrpiate or not but I believe the sole reason for not blogging is because I got caught up with watching KOREAN dramas! I normally don't follow dramas or serial programs but for some reason I just got drawn into the world of KOREAN drama over the last couple of weeks. They are shown on cable here in but the obvious timing - at 7 pm at night was a challenge. So I had to swing between the 7pm slot and the 12:30 am slot. So just imagaine a very tried accoutant the next day.
Whilst in Manila two weeks ago, I finally managed to purchase some fake DVDs and started watching it on a daily basis. It took up my free time and my sleeping time. All I could think was to finish it off - 55 series. Yes 55 hours of non stop KOREAN weeks for me. I thought I could manage it but somehow I just let my emotions went through the ceiling with this drama series. Not that I understand KOREAN or even read KOREAN but trust me this drama is mother of all plots/strategising and off course KOREAN dramas are the real DRAMA stuff - lots of crying, love, hate - you name it! ALL in one. To top it off - the subtitles are so poorly translated that I had to really read in between the lines. So you can understand how I had to let go! Me a 34 year old guy finally succumb to the KOREAN craze in Asia.
And boy the lead actor was cute too. Just loved his smile!! :-)
People come into your life for a reason
I received this email from my brother a couple of weeks back and I thought it would be good to put this on my blog....
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty to provide you with a guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spritually.
They may seem godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationshop to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you never have done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason or a season or a lifetime.
Having read this piece a couple of times and having gone through this self awareness course last weekend. I can understand why I have fostered very close relationships with friends and some none and to my blogging world of friends, thanks for the support and kind words. To my new friends I made last weekend, thank you for being there for me for I hope that the friendships I have made are LIFETIME...
Signing out - Maximus Leo
