Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Hide and Seek

Sometimes I wish my life was a bit simpler and less complex! Then wouldn't life be just blissful. I could be straight and now married to a nice lovely woman and probably have two kids running all over me! Probably weighing about 75 kgs with a beer belly but somewhat happy and contented with life.

Somehow during my life journey, I have deviated so far out that it's going to be a challenge to lead a simple life again. I have tasted evil/greed and so far so good. I have view the gay life from the outside or rather from the closet. It's not so rosy sometimes but then again it can be quite thrilling! But doesn't this say for all sort of live journey? Who knows???

Over the last few days I have come accross a couple of new blogs that i have been reading daily and yes i have been up late again just to catch up with the readings! No wonder I feel so miserable the next day. Not that they are any different from my usual favourite ones but they breath some freshness into my perspective of life. And that I'm not the only one again in this world facing the usual closeted issues. It's a good balance and honest to a point. Not sure they will help me be more accepting of myself but who knows...they always say time will tell. However time is not on my side forever! Just the other day, I know off someone whose son died in his sleep. Pretty young guy I must say and very sad indeed. Somehow I know that feeling having seen death as well but having acknowledge it, I'm still so scared shitless in doing anything more outside my box and one of them is to come to terms of my sexuality! If I look back on my life, I wish I did not hide this but I chose to keep this aside and just put my whole life into work and making a career out of it. Has it help? Probably not...I have just dugged a very deep hole and have been buried amongst the tonnes of sand..

What am I trying to say today in my blog? Well..I don't know but I think I'm quite fucked up anyway.

Ah well time to go to bed. It's going to be just another day.....

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

What else to do?

It's been 3 days of drinking lots of beer, lack of sleep and excercise have made me a bit lethargic and cranky! Just the other day at work I was so stressed out that I simply let steam off and boy - were some colleagues concerned that I had lost the plot!! Yes - the Mr Nice guy had enough of crap from everyone!

I need to get into bed pretty soon before I become another middle age cranky guy at work! Over and out.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

I just love everything about Tokyo

I must say that the only place in Tokyo that a foreigner will ever appreciate is Harajuku!! Where one see the contrast between new and old, modern and tradition, peace and choas and off course contrast of fashion worlds....should I say clash of civilisation??? But eh...who is to complain...It is so just Tokyo!! and I love it.



Teddy Bear Bag Pack? Absolutely befitting for a straight guy!! :-)

Fluffy covers for your calves in the middle of summer!! How convenient....

Friday, July 21, 2006

Yeah right?!

Your Hidden Talent

You're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations.
You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts.
Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition.
The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary.
What's Your Hidden Talent?


Whatever??? ;-)

Lack of social life

Worked till 9 pm today and went straight to the gym. Then back home!

It's 11 pm on a Friday night and I'm home watching Queer eye for a straight guy whilst blogging! Now...how sad and pathetic is this? Not very encouraging life for a closeted gay guy isn't? How on earth am I suppose to find my soul mate if I'm at home everynight! If I'm not home, I'm hanging out with a bunch of straight people!!

I think I'm doom to be alone! To die with a broken heart! Always wondering about the good life of being in a relationship.

Ok, I'm looking for sympathy here! So amuse me!! :-)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Something light



create your own visited country map

So I have only covered 10% of the countries in the world......

I really have to work on my travel plans at the end of the year to increase the ratio of 10% to about 20%. That meanst I need to travel to another 20 countries or so....Hmmm. that's going to be a challenge!!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Injustice..

The excuse was for 2 kidnapped soldiers by the Hizbollah!

Now there are 500,000 people being displaced in Lebanon and there are mostly children and women!

Where is justice? You tell me.....

Monday, July 17, 2006

Crazy Moments

Crazy Moment 1
Last Friday at a pub in Roppongi....

During drinks last Friday, one my colleagues made this remark - could be the beer talking but this what she said...

Colleague: What are you doing hanging out with us on a Friday night?
Another gulp of beer...
Colleague: You're attractive and a great guy. You should be getting laid! (me - attractive...wow?? )
Colleague: If I was at your age in Japan, I'll be getting laid every weekend! (A huge big smile!!)

and I was blushing away and hoping that will go away.... I just smiled and went on drinking....

Gosh - the pressure to get laid and be seen with a girlfriend....What a challenge!! ;-) And I suspect that they think I'm not that straight after all BUT I'm still in denial. So what's new!!

Crazy Moment 11
Yesterday was a holiday in Tokyo.....So what did I do? Went back to work and thinking that I can clear all my tasks for the day, I fail on one misereable task...to get some numbers out! Well cest la vie...because it's a holiday in Japan, the gyms are mostly open for half the time - ie from 10 am to 6 pm. Well poor me can't get out of work until almost 7 pm....so the only thing to get my excercise fix was to run..and run I did in the RAIN.

It was not raining man but raining me!! :-) What a change from running in the heat over the last few days!!

Hoping for peace

I'm no expert in the Middle East politics but have been reading some blogs from the Middle East and they have been interesting to read from a gay muslim perspective and the intolerance of some of the religous authorities. They make some our our so called religious leaders in the Free World look tame!!

The Middle East conflict is now almost 5 days in the making. Oil prices have gone up yet again! and innocent people are dying for the reckless policies of both countries/political opponents. Too be honest I have given up trying to understand the Middle East conflict. So much bad blood here and historical reasons that it will take more than just one generation to keep the peace there. I'm not pro American/Isreali nor a pro Arab....we need to have a third kind of solution to resolve all the mess there. The peace talks are just bull shit talks and they have been very unpromising from day one!

Anyway, I really feel sorry for the Lebanese as they recently managed to get rid of the Syrians and they were enjoying their long lost recognition their capital city Beirut as the Paris of the Middle East and now everything is in tatters. There were so much promise around that part of the world. I feel sorry for the Isreali people who lived at the border and for the 2 soldiers that were kidnapped!

And the Hizbullah had to change everything! That part of the world has so much hatred, evil and intolerance!

Some pictures here are really quite horific lebanonheartblogs.... A moment of silence, a prayer and a call for all those who care still about humanity to wake up!! Just hope that this will soon cease....it doesn't help anyone in the long run! One day something will give way and the whole region will explode into flames....

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Me? A BITCH SLAP???

Okay - I swear I was bored last night just reading and surfing other blogs...I know I don't have a life...So what's the point? Just tying to make the best of my weekend by chilling out again. I know I should be more enthusiastic but I will have to rejunevate this trait for next couple of weeks where my positive energy is required to be at 100% if not 150%!!

So, now I realised I can be a BITCH-SLAP.... what a joke but there may be some truth behind this personality test..

Bitch-Slap
You are 0% Rational, 28% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 14% Arrogant.
You are the Bitch-Slap, the hallmark response of any abusive husband! You are more intuitive than others, focusing more on feelings than rational explanations, and you are also probably very brutual because you care more about yourself than the well-being of others. As all nagging wives know, brutality combined with emotion often leads to BITCH-SLAPPING, which is why you are called "The Bitch Slap". (That and because I find it amusing to accuse people of pummeling female dogs.) Your humility probably stems from insecurity, if anything, because people fond of slapping the shit out of someone in place of rational discussion are usually not humble in the way Jesus was humble. Possible sources of insecurity? A small penis, a small bank account, a small intelligence...gee, when you say "small" a lot, it stops sounding like a real word! Not only that, but you are also rather introverted, and any tendencies towards brutality you possess may also result from the fact that you bottle up your emotions and don't show them to others until you explode in rage like some sort of shaken soda can. Take it from me, it is much more rewarding to bottle beer over emotions. You can't get wasted on emotions. Aside from all my talk (and it's a lot of talk) you are probably not a VIOLENT person, just someone who is rather selfish and who makes decisions based upon emotional motives. At any rate, being a bitch-slap does not necessarily mean you will abuse your spouse (your body odor is no doubt abuse enough); it only means you are rather intuitive, uncaring toward others, brutal, introverted, and possibly insecure.


And sorry about that body odor remark if you really are insecure. I promise that you smell like roses. Being fertilized by cow shit.


To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Be sure to take my Sublime Philosophical Crap Test if you are interested in taking a slightly more intellectual test that has just as many insane ramblings as this one does!




My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on Rationality
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 29% on Extroversion
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 66% on Brutality
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 6% on Arrogance
Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

The real summer has finally arrived in Tokyo

Summer has finally arrived in Tokyo!! It's 33 C today and it's hot and muggy! Yucks!! I'm not sure how I'm going to survive in Tokyo for the next couple of months! I just want to stay at home with the AC switched on the whole day! Even walking down to the local grocery is a challenged!

Just to put my life into perspective, I somehow got picked up in a straight bar on Friday night....:-) Not bad eh....but she was a definitely not my type at all!! Nothing happened...we just chatted and drunk more beers. After a couple of minutes, I was wanting to leave the pub and hang out with my other friends. Man...wish it was gym boy!! Sigh.... :-)

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Jan Brady??

You Are Jan Brady

Brainy and a little introverted, you tend to think life is a lot worse than it actually is.
And while you may think you're a little goofy looking, most people consider you to be a major babe.
What Brady Are You?


Now that's interesting... major babe or major hunk!! :-)

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Horoscopes?

My horoscope for the week read something like this....

Unfinished business projects will this week attract public criticism. Older colleagues are now highly motivated to prove thier skills. After Monday, watch for revised deadlines or unusual team instructions to triger tensions or reveal private ambitions. Remain silent. This is not the right time to draw attention to the social or political tactics of coworkers. Thursday through Saturday accent social progress and romantic improvement! Expect close relationships to become closer.

Now recaping the last 4 days .... yes I have been working my ass to meet two deadlines this week. Hence the late nights again! So that I don't fall behind and if I do agree on delivering the tasks, it will be delivered! So far so good but I'm just keeping a very low profile.

Tensions..you got it right. There was one this morning! Am so fucking pissed off.....but hey it's only work. So I'm chilling out by running real fast on the treadmill for 10 minutes..Aarrgggghhhh..

Tomorrow is Thursday..well will see if there is any social progress and romantic improvement! (I'm still hoping for gym boy to appear somewhere and somehow and we will talk. But I do believe he is straight as a pole!!) so what ever romantic improvement I'm going to see will probably be non existent! :-) Cest la vie.....

Monday, July 10, 2006

Natural Highs

Aaarggghhhhhh.... I only had 2 hours of sleep last night! This must be pay back time for the weekend hibernation!! I could not believe it that I have been turning and tossing around for the last 4 hours. Only to check that it was 4 am and sunrise in Tokyo. I did not plan to watch the world cup but managed to watch it for 15 minutes before I decided that I should make an attempt to sleep! So it was a struggle today but managed to last till 8:30 pm this evening at work. Pathetic isn't!

Anyway, my brain cells are so deprived of rest that I can't blog anything exciting today. So instead I have just received this email from a friend of mine....it's a matter of cut and paste. Yes no originality in this piece but it does put some little things that we take for granted!

Think about these one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one...
IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end.

NATURAL HIGHS

1. Being in love
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No queues at the supermarket.
5. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
6. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
7. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
8. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
9. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)
10. A bubble bath.
11. Giggling.
12. A good conversation.
13. Finding a £20 note in your coat from last winter.
14. Running through sprinklers.
15. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
16. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
17. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
18. Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to sleep.
19. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
20. Having someone play with your hair.
21. Sweet dreams.
22. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
23. Holding hands with someone you care about.
24. Running into an old friend and realising that some things (good or bad) never change.
25. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.
26. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
27. Knowing that somebody misses you.
28. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
29. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Humbling moments

I must say what I did this weekend was just SLEEP!! I was a sleeping beauty this weekend - catching up with all the countless of hours that I lost during the week! :-) Gosh..after all the sleeping.... I'm still buggered! What can I say? Sleeping is toxic to the body. The challenge now is to be in bed by 12 pm (I must be saying this in my previous entries!! and still haven't goten the right formulae yet!!)

Not wanting to feel like a lazy shit this weekend, I thought I should visit the Tokyo Metropolitan Museum of Photography which is next to the Yebisu Garden Towers. It's summer and the folks are out and about. I should join the crowd as well right? and be a arty farty person today!

Today's main exhibition was the World Press Photo 06

The first picture in the exhibition was so powerful....

I was dumbfounded!
I was totally shocked!
I was in awe!
I was in tears!
I felt so emotional for the next hour or so..

and I was humbled...

After the first 10 minutes of me being in the exhibition, I felt so embarrassed about my work and personal issues that I can never complain again about trival matters like these anymore. Comparing to the sufferring that these people had to endure, mine were nothing. Just one spoilt urban 30 year old guy who believed that the world owes him a living. I promised myself that I will keep my complaints to a minimum and I to remind myself everyday that I'm one of the few lucky ones living in this very brutal and crazy world. I am again humbled by today's events.

The people who were featured in the photos were really sufferring, they were in pain. Sadness and hopelessness were everywhere - in almost every single picture. These people went through bigger issues in life - it's a matter of survival. The very basic need of a human.

Why is the world so brutal?
Why is the world full of evil?

And I should be so lucky and thankful!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

That part of Asia....

If you know Tokyo pretty well, somewhere between Hiro, Roppongi Hills and Mita, I walked for more than an hour in the middle of summer to arrive home - all sweaty and steamy. Having said that, it was a good walk - I managed to work my excercise routine plus working to digest the intake of alchohol!!! And soaked in the night life!!!

Put it this way, i had lots to thing during my walk tonight and all I can say is that when I leave Tokyo in a couple of months time, I will trully miss this place. Mind me Tokyo is not Shanghai or HK but it rocks big time in Asia in my definition and it's now featured as my top five cities in Asia to live in. Not sure being an expat package helps but it surely gives me a different perspective on how life works in Japan. Japan rocks.... trully!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Dreams

Well - just another day at work. My stress level hit another high today - it's seems that I'm breaking new records of stress levels as we are approaching our deadlines! Again..I'm a sucker for long hours at work. What will this do me in the long run? Nothing really.... I will continue to work and work until the day I stop breathing!

Had my Japanese lessons today and gosh - it's difficult to pick up a new language when you're 30 something years old! Brain cells eventually degenerate and I'm feeling the old age. I can't even remember half of my lessons today. Anyway, today's conversation was about what I do outside work...it goes like this...

Teacher: Ian san, do you ski?
Me: Hmmmm..... no, because I didn't have the money whilst I was at University and could not afford to pick up an expensive sport.
Teacher: Do you skate board?
Me: No
Teacher: Do you golf?
Me: No
Teacher: Do you sail?
Me: No
Teacher: Hmm.....What do you like to do then?
Me: Run and gym
Me: Boring eh??
Teacher: Smiles.....

and after this conversation, I realised that I'm a confirmed workaholic, a geek and a loner!! Of course - what do I do after this? I went back to work!!!

Eventually I had to come back home......

In my usual blog readings, Shigeki posted something that I seem to have been missing lately - opportunities to chase one dream and following one's heart/passion. Now, that's something to think about over the next few days.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Steaming!!!

It's been on the news since I tuned into CNN this evening - North Korea had fired 7 missiles into the Sea of Japan! Surprisingly we have lunatics as our neighbours....and all the world can do is talk and more talk! Why can't we just send some elite commandos into the country and silenced the preperators and the world would be a better place to live in! Sigh...what a messed up world we all live in!

No word on my job application yet! Bugger 1!

Italy beat the Germans in the last 2 minutes in the Semi Finals of the World Cup Soccer in extra time by 2 goals! Bugger 2

I'm so fudging pissed off at work today!! Took me some time to calm down! Boy I wish I had a boxing bag at that time!!! Bugger 3!!

Aaarrrgggghhhhhhh.......

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Watch this space!

After putting down my feelings in writing in my Weekend Solace, I believe I'm feeling a lot better but not necessary more confident! It's only the 3rd day...so still early to say anything yet!

However I did something that I have not done for a long time - I have updated my resume, wrote a covering letter to go with the resume, and sent it out to a headhunter for a role that I was interested in. Not sure what I have done - rocked the boat....? Who knows? At this point in time, I just need options! and I need to move out my comfort zone! So watch this space!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Weekend Solace....

Well another quiet weekend...nothing too exciting except that I have had the time to reflect and think about the past events that have happened to me over the last couple of months. They have shaped my thoughts, had an impact on my emotional feelings and certainly to an extent my confidence levels as well. As you know, I've been feeling a bit lost lately and didn't realised that my confidence were at the lowest levels until I was chatting with a friend over the internet. That hit me and I realised that this was the caused of my so called internalising of issues. I seemed to go in circles with my issues!! Don't know how to let this out except for my gym routine which is now so routine that it seldom helps to clear my mind except to make me physically tired. I basically pushed them away, locked them in my closet quite comfortably until it hits me at the lowest and they start creeping out again like maggots lurking to eat me up!

The disappointment with a certain colleague at work, the bosses, the amount of crap one have to deal at work-the so called challenges of managing process and cultural changes, uncertainty of my career with this company and many more work related stuff. After going through my resume again this weekend and looking to what I have done and gained from my work experiences, I have a lot going for me but I seem to lack confidence and the go getter attitude. Maybe it's now the right time to do so! I need a change in scenery and direction.

On my physical transformation, hmmm....that's another challenge that has been ongoing-I've lost more than 4 kg since being in Japan and have mainly gone on a vegeterian diet at night to keep the carbo loading down and have added creatine and whey powder to my daily food intake and I'm not even there yet with the male models on Men's Health or Fitness Rx. So what's the issue with me? Bad genes? or bad infood intact. And I have to stop searching for porn on the internet. All these guys have such good bodies to die for!! sigh.... I have to accept my limitation or else this fixation to look like one of the male models on Fitness RX will cause long lasting effects on my confidence levels.

On relationship - I'm still hopelessly single! Can't even get myself to talk to gym boy! If the opportunities arises, I will be scared shitless to talk to him. Anyway, can't see any progress on this front until I accept myself of who I am and which gender I'm attracted too. What is even more scary, is that I'm in my 30s and have not sorted this out yet. I'm sure my friends and colleagues have their suspicions...

I know the above issues are all about ME. and more on ME really but that's ME. I don't have a solution but I guess I have now accept the caused. So that's a start. Over the next couple of days, I need to build the confidence blocks again-literally block by block! And hopefully this base would be a lot stronger than the previous ones.

And for this I'm grateful that I have a good life to thank for! It could be worst but I'm not in that situation. So I need to move my life forward and stop sulking!