Amazing Week
My apologies for not visiting your blogs or even bother to tell you what has happen to me.
Since my date with HIM last week, it has just taken off from that juncture. It has gone so fast that I don't understand some parts of my emotions and being. All I know it feels good to hug him, it feels save to be with him, it just feels right now. And if I don't text him, or speak to him, I know I will be missing him so badly.
He has been on a business trip for the last few days. The distance has allowed us to assess our relationship and it has given us the space as well to decide what we want next. Lots of long distance calls, text messages and emails. It feels he has not left me at all. My heart is with him and his heart with me. For the moment it is JUST right and I like this feeling :-)
Funny, after this week, I have stopped surfing porn, I have stop checking guys (okay-a little) and have also stopped feeling sorry for being gay. All I know is that I want this relationship to be brought to the next level. He is willing to play and I'm aslo willing to lay my cards on the table. I am now letting trust and faith take this relationship to a higher level and I pray and Hope that this is the right decision for the time being. I can't bear to loose him.......and being so independent and alone for the last 20 years doesn't help either. We could both self destruct this relationship before it even started.....
For now, I am not going to think too hard. I am just going to let my heart go with the flow and with his heart, I hope we both can find the right mix that we have been searching for so long and yes finally i can tell myself I so DESERVE this feeling. Thank you GOD , Thank you UNIVERSE.
Labels: Love
34 year old virgin
Today was the Date and I survived it! :-)
And I just love the experience! We talked and talked and then went to watch Spiderman which was a bit disappointed but heh we had good moments! :-) I actually clapsed a guys hand for the first time and it felt so safe and right. We were fondling in the dark as well :-) And I was once felt the real me. I know I took so much risk just to be present and enjoy the moment with him and I sure did. I wasn't sure whether he would respond? I wasn't sure whether he was attracted to me? (other wise he would not have flirt with me over the text messages) or held hands together? I mean if you are not attracted, you won't even go there right???
After the movie we walked home and I invited him over to my apartment. I wanted him to know me as a real person and not some 34 year old self righteous virgin. Again we talked and talked throughout the night (well not too late anyway) and there were some intimate moments. Then and there we decided we should stop what we were doing. He left soon after that..... yes there was a possibility of sex but I did not want it because I did not want this relationship to turn sour if it did not work out.
I am actually falling for him! I need to get my head and emotions checked in again!
PS - He was so sweet that he gave me a small little pot of flowers..... :-) My first real date in a LONG LONG time.
Labels: Moments
The Roller Coaster Week
Don't know where to start but this week was pretty hectic for me. Sure I did a lot of stuff, felt really good and thrilled that I have managed it and now paying a physical price of being so Freaking tired but mentally challenged. I never think I could go all the way but I did. So I am purely surviving on adrenaline right now.
Last Saturday, pretty much started off with Dragon Boat team event in the early Saturday morning. Then later in the afternoon, we were at the beach buidling sand castles. That was the best 2 hours of the day. The experience was so pure - just building blocks of castles from sand and with my bear hands. My mind was blank and so focus on the experience and behind this the sea waves beating against the shore and with that I could feel the sea breeze gushing by me. What an experience?? :-)
Then on Sunday, I met this guy at a DO and since then we have been messenging each other. His gaydar immediately picked me up....and the rest has been history! Anyway, I am meeting him tomorrow for our first "date" :-) well not exactly a first date but we are just catching a movie. Nothing serious but boy my heart has been beating so fast since Sunday. It is an experience that I have not had for a long time! :-) Not sure if this is real or what or whether this will last but right now I am so afraid that I will fall and there it goes again - another broken heart. My friend ask me what is my intention - and to be honest I just want a partner and I want to be loved. So we will see how it goes.
So the week has been a roller coaster ride - and just yesterday I volunteered at this hospice looking after HIV patients! Yes - I was there and it felt really good. I mean I was alive and did not feel scared after a while and I even did some massaging. Now this was an experience for me that I could not have learnt better. It just so sad to see people being ostracised by their friends and family and yet so happy for them because they have the yield to leave. Every single moments of their lives is now presious - it is a blessing, even walking is a blessing and to hear the rain drops, it means that they are alive. So simple but yet so powerful. What I learned that day was just amazing. Life is trully simple...and be appreciative of what we have right now and leave life to the fullest.
Labels: Moments
Not feeling it.
Another tired day! Not sure what the fuck I am doing this leadership program for? I still haven't felt the change or shift in me! Am I suppose to feel elevated? Am I suppose to feel free? Why am I so feeling trapped? Why I am feeling so drained and disappointed?
I am so counting down the day I leave this program..... or should I quit and get out of it before it takes so much of my energy. Sigh...
Is it about 70 days to go.....
Labels: Stupidity
About contracts and mission
I have not been blogging since getting involved in a leadership course for the last 3 weeks. It has been busy busy busy from the day I signed up plus travelling to Jakarta and Manila last week for work. Hence the very very quite me but if you have been reading my blog I have also changed the description box (on the right hand corner). Let's talk about this course first.
The entire course (can't mention the name here) has created awareness, appreciation, compelling desire to move on and to succeed in what ever I chose to do - be it relationships, career or investment. I'm also more aware of my relationship with time and that means that there is no time for hesitation and procrastination. It is all about creating value and generating positive outcomes in every possible opportunity. Sounds crazy and brain washed eh? But it all makes sense....
Anyway coming back to what I am now more aware off myself. The little box use to read - Closeted Case and Confused and trying to find my purpose in life. Now it reads - "I am an honest and brave gay man and am living the life that I so desire. Simple yet complex. Ambitious yet contented. Competitive in nature yet easy going. My life is a mosaic of my environment. This is ME, this is my life journey" This is my personal contract and my mission to live my life to the fullest (if I don't get dragged down with the emotional ups and downs)
Whether I am certain about this journey now - there will be certainly ups and downs. rejections/hurt and out right pain. I see this is what I am lacking - lacking the emotions to let myself feel hurt and feel like a human again. For so long I have forgotten to allow myself to feel love and be love. For a long time I have always doubted myself and my capabilities at work or with my personal life. I believe it is time to rectify this and be HUMAN again. And if one never takes risks - there are no rewards - just a very stagnant and uninteresting life.
So who is with me on this journey?
Labels: Changes
