New Year's Resolution 2007
After all the reflection that I have been doing for the last couple of days about what I did and didn't do in 2006, here is the new list for 2007. A bit more challenging and interesting but hopefully it will take me outside my comfort zone. So here is the list....
1. Be daring and take more risks
Which follows with the following things that I need to achieve:
a) To find myself a new job
b) To find myself love
c) To travel more
Which takes me to the following places that I would like to visit in 2007
a) Angkor Wat - 13th century Indian Buddhist Temple in Cambodia
b) Mt Kinabalu - The highest mountain in South East Asia. I would like to climb up to the summit. So fingers crossed.
c) Taman Negara - Malaysia's national reserve park - one of the oldest tropical forests in the world. Taking into the global warming effects, I ought to make a trip to the park to feel and reflect about the environment.
d) Barcelona or anyway in Europe!!
Okay, next on my list.....
2. To loose another 4 kgs by March. I want those damn 6 pack abs.
3. Be contented and appreciative of what I have....
4. To spend more time with my friends and to nurture the friendship.
5. And make more friends...... (sounds like I am back in high school)
6. To laugh and cry more....
7. To be a patient and caring/loving brother/son/cousin to my family!!
So Happy New Year and may 2007 bring more happiness, prosperity and great health to me and myself and I and to everyone who has visited my blog.....
Signining out for 2006.
Sticking to New Year's Resolutions
This is the time year again. Tomorrow is new year's eve and there is no other time of the year when the atmosphere is so conducive to chill and reflect about the things that we have done and didn't do. During the last few days of the year, we usually stop thinking about work, the mood is far more relax and we have more time to ourselves albeit a smaller window opportunity. After 2 days into the new year and if the resolutions have not been made, it is unlikely that it will make it to the list! So after going through my archives, I managed to find the New Year's resolution list. To remind myself, this is what I had written down. Okay - let's go through the list and see where I am with my 2006 New Year's resolution. Could be a bit disappointing.!!
1. To find love
Love hasn't found me yet nor I have seek to find love because as long I'm in the closet, I won't be able to find love. I think I may have given up love after some previous relationships/crushes failures. Somehow after these failures, I have managed to put this wall up and I am finding it hard to bring it down...... I am afraid of getting hurt and if you know me well, I usually fall for the straight type guys which is a no go in the first place. So why be more disappointed?
2. Be able to communicate in basic Japanese
Well I am not entirely sure if I can communicate basic Japanese but I have managed to provide directions to the Japanese taxi drivers to bring me home to my apartment in a very drunk stage and I have also ordered food in basic Japanese that also includes general greetings? So is this basic? Yes - I guess so.
3. To travel in Japan covering these places - especially these places: Sapporo, Kyoto, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Okinawa
I did not quite get to Sappora, Nagasaki or Okinawa but did cover Hiroshima and Kyoto and amongst other tourist spots around Tokyo... I guess I did not achive this resolution.
4. Cooked more at home! (I need to achieve a body fat of 10%)
Definitely achieved this as I am finding myself cooking more at home although I have not achieved a body fat of 10%. Having said so, some long lost friends have commented that I am slimmer!! :-) So I guess this is a tick for me as well.
5. I need to stop procrastinating!
Still am but definitely not as bad as last year. Will have to bring this to 2007.
6. Be in bed by 11:30 pm!
Ha - definitely not achievable!! Getting into bed only after 12 pm. No wonder I am getting wrinkles on my face....it is a combination of old age, stress and not enough sleep..... No wonder I can't be picked up by others!!
7. To run the Singapore Half Marathon in under 2 hours.
Missed out on Marathon. So not applicable due to work commitments. Bloody good excuse I must say.
8. Save more!!
Oh yeah baby - show me the money! This is a tick for me as I have saved more than what I initially set out with.
If I take stock of what I achieved and didn't achieved, I think I should give myself a pat on the back. It's a hit rate of approximately 50%. Not bad...but it could have been better!
I am going to think about next year's resolution so will be posting something then.
Friends
I remembered when I was a little boy and had friends who were leaving town to go to another school. Being the naive and emotional me I was pretty devastated as I was losing lots of friends. I also remembered the conversation I had with my dad as he sought to put some logic into the so called friendships and friends. He mentioned (which I have taken to heart) that friends come and go. They will always be a chapter in your life but you choose that chapter to define you and the relationship with those friends. You make new ones and you will in the course of growing up loose friends as well. This is life and this is how things tend to work when we grown up. Expectations on friendships are somewhat more delicate unlike marriage which is a bond that binds two parties legally. Friendships on the other hand are not legal - It can be destroyed, amended or do nothing!
25 years later, as one plunges into a career or starts a family or move countries (instead of towns), the tendency to be caught up with the day to day activities means that one spend less time with friends. Some one in your younger days could have been best friends but could be a virtual stranger today.
University friends would be probably the best of the lot as this phase in your life defined the person that you will start to grow during adulthood. These friends party with you and they have seen the worst in your drunkard behaviours, share your sorrows with relationship issues or trying to get that deserved job.
Then there are friends who were made in the course of your working life. They help you grow (or destroy - in other words, your sworn enemy) in your career and provide a solid network of resources to tap in the next phase of your life. Some of these friends could be friends till the end of time.
Looking back at all these different phases in my life, I have made many new friends, some of whom I cherish fondly. Some I have let down and disappointed. The friends that I have made are now a handful and if we do keep in touch it would be the yearly customary visits or monthly/weekly drinks at the local pub. Some how when I compare my peers, I seem to be the odd one out when it comes to friendship. Still single all these years and desperately lacking of female companions, I seem to have gone into this little world of mine that is focused mainly on three things - work, myself and the family. Somehow friends are not the priority. As a result of this, keeping in touch on my side is very slack, very inconsiderate and somehow I deserve the cold shoulder or silence I get from my friends. I have asked myself many times whether it is me that is the problem? I think so.
It is the time of the year again to take stock of the year gone by and think about how to live in the new year. For 2007, I want to cherish my friends, old and new and be good to them. Life is too short and uncertain to just do nothing about friendships. Who knows what will happen at the end of the day?
Pink Christmas Tree?
Something I should have blog a couple of days ago but I did not get around in down loading pictures from my Canon.
Christmas 2006 has come and gone but I thought this Pink Christmas Tree looks really cool! I managed to snap this in one my daily routine to Starbucks to get the good hot venti coffee to start the day. The tree reminds me of something special that trully cannot be explained. Just the pinkness of it tells you all and to put this in context in tropcial Singapore, that is mind boggling!
Maybe not so if you turn this around and view this from a commercial perspective. It is about which mall can attract the most shoppers to part with their hard earned bonuses!! Or looking to attract the so called PINK dollars? Sinister me or just old age? :-)
To Think or NOT to Think...
Sometimes life events amazes me with the amount of crap that I have managed to collect over the last couple of years. Considering I am single and live pretty frugally (yeah right), I have approximately 60 boxes of Crown delivered to my new swanky apartment in Singapore 3 weeks ago. I nearly fainted when I saw these boxes and I had to manage them all on my own. During that moment, I trully wish I had someone with me just to help me out. Anyway, after slaving away for the last 3 weeks, I have managed to unpack all my boxes except for my pictures and art collection! Just need to find a space for them on my white walls!!
Going through my pile of crap - I came across this piece of article that I bought from a flea market a couple of years back.... It is called THINK....
If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't,
If you like to win, but you think you can't,
It is almost certain you won't.
If you think you lose, you're lost,
For out of the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will
It's all in the state of the mind
If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can even win a prize.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stongest or fastest man,
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the man WHO THINKS HE CAN.
Happy Holidays....
Self help books
Damn! I should not have drunk that last cup of coffee at dinner. I am still alive and kicking at 1:30 am!! What do you do when you mind is still active? Watch BBC, Read the Financial Times, Business Times, Blogg and download porn!! :-)
Christmas has come and gone! and now the new year is just around the corner! Somehow instead of just taking things easy, I decided to go through some unpacked boxes. They were sitting in the storeroom for the last couple of days begging me to open these boxes but I was too scared to open them. I could here them screaming in my ears - open me up, open me up, open me up! No - I am not dreaming and I am not losing my mind as well. In fact I am still reasonably sane!!
So after a very lousy Thai lunch I had wih the family, I decided to head home and go through these boxes. Go though I did and I did not realised that I have so many books that I have collected over the years. I have had gone through them again, I would easily gotten myself a new MBA degree!! I was amazed how much I have spent over the years reading and collecting these books. In addition to the collection, I managed to soak up the so called knowledge like a sponge (if only). Why do I still feel so under developed and inferior compared to others??
To share some of the books that I have read throughout these years -
1. Mars and Venus on a Date - John Gray (here trying to act straight and be the straight guy that is expected of you by the wider society - I did not pass Chapter 5 and got bored!!)
2. The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom (I was hoping to do some more stuff in my life!)
3. Dare to Fail - Billi PS Lim - (Again I was hoping to do some more stuff in my life!)
4. In my onw Words - Dalai Lama (Okay, I was trying to be religous and understand why am I here!!)
5. The Purpose Driven Life - Warren (Too much of a Christianity slant here - I got a bit cheesed of by the mention of God thought out the book - so gave reading this book eventually)
6. Follow Your Heart - Andrew Matthews (Ok - did not get really far with this, I am still not following my heart!! - it is now confused with the brain!!)
7. Being Happy - Andrew Matthews (Still a sad bastard!!)
8. Manual of the Warrior of Eight - Paulo Coelho (Can't remember the gist of the story but it was recommended)
9. What should I do with my life? - Po Bronson (Ok - I was inspired by the stories he collected but I am not convinced somehow - so I am still where I am since I last read the book)
10. The Richest Man in Babylon - George S Clason (I know it is a good book but just can't remember the contents of the book)
Now - after going through these self help books, don't you think I should know better than to feel sorry about my pathetic superficial life!!
Happy Reading!!
Tis the season.....
Am I suppose to feel good about Christmas? Somehow this year's Christmas is going to be a subdued one.... having spent so much money on my apartment, I feel that I do not need to go out and justify spending more on gifts that others may not even want!! I think friends and family should now buy me gifts for my aparmnet instead. That's right I need to get my house warming party organised soon as people "may" still be in a giving mood!! I could score some good stuff for the apartment eh?!
I am normally quite happy to be single and boring! I keep telling myself that I can be alone and it is no big deal at the end of the day. Just imagine the freedom to do anything! Somehow, after some last minute shopping in town, I realised that I am not in the mood of celebrations! I noticed that people around me were a lot happier and all the buying spree is something that they were willing to carry out despite the rain and the hordes of crowd. Where as for me, it just felt like a chore!! I was bored and I just did not want to sign that damn credit card slip. I have to regularly check my bill on the net to make sure that I have spend within the credit limits.
Actually I was feeling a bit lonely than usual which is kind of surprising. I should have seen this coming but decided not to work and act on it and now I am feeling really unwanted. So badly that I just have to cry myself to bed and just hope for the best. Can someone send me Gym boy over to Singapore? :-(
Anyway, Merry Christmas to all of you who have been reading my blog and leaving me encouraging comments.
Labels: Closet
Timeless
It is only 7 days before we come to the end of 2006. It only seemed like yesterday but time has certainly flown by like a gust of wind! Woosh today and out tomorrow. For those "time" that have been lost through inactivity, it is gone forever where there are no memories nothing achived. Just time wasted! and for those period or events that chart our journey through life, it is to be cherished and enriched through our daily lives.
For a split second, I swear someone was checking me out at the mall this evening! We locked eyes and there was this look in his eyes. I smiled and he smiled. Then we head our seperate ways.
What goes around comes around
You know the saying what goes around comes around? Well this statement has some truth behind it....
Now I know how it feels when you like someone but you can never have that someone. You see this person everyday and hope that he/she will noticed you and maybe make an effort to talk or to invite you out for drinks and dinner. You bump into her/him in/at the lift, in the hall way, at the pantry or in the toilet! Maybe this person will notice you eventually. This is a wishfull thinking but at least there is hope but deep down you know that he or she will never be yours. When you see this person, you can't seem to shake that sinking feeling! Your heart somewhat feel punctured and crushed and the only word to describe this is loneliness.
At my previous work place, one of my colleague on my last day came up to me and say she really liked me. I never thought she liked me as she was always coy about me when she was around me. That statement stunt me for a while! Becuase I admired her courage to come up to me and said that to my face. She had to get it out and she did it although she knew I was never going to do anything about it. I know she feel crushed but she did say it anyway. I guess she felt great just to tell me that and if I don't do anything, she know she has done her best. Only wish I could come back to her and say that I'm GAY and would never be interested in her but as a friend she would have my outmost respect.
In my so called non existent love/sex life, there is this guy is at work - I don't work with him but he is from another department. He is a real hotie! Dark, tall and handsome (he has been to the gym alot). When I bump into him, I smile at him or say hello but what good will it do? Maybe he sense it but I'm guessing he is straight as a pole and when I think about this, I know I am out of his reach and my heart keeps crushing down. But this is life and it is at work, there is no time to feel sorry about oneself. Sometimes I wonder why I have to go through this torture and misery. A good looking guy and my type of guy but it is imposible to do anything! Do I deserve this? At least he is away for his Christmas break - it has given me some breathing space!.
My kind of guy....
It is raining cats and dogs again in Singapore. I was planning to go to the gym early today and try to be in bed by 1130 pm instead of some ungodly hour! I know I am not getting younger and they eye bags are appearing again but I still can't seem to get myself into bed by 11 pm!!
Anyway, what better thing to do than to surf the net and start blogging early. At least my thoughts are still intake as oppose to write something unconstructable late at night. So here it goes with my thoughts on what guy I would like to go out with. Only if I could create this opportunity.
I guess when you're in the closet and don't hit the gay bars, clubs, etc it's a little difficult to meet other gay/bi/closeted guys like myself. Sure there's the internet and it has given me the avenue to channel my so called energy and frustrations. Having said that I have yet to meet or want to me anyone over the net. To be brutally honest, I think most guys playing on the internet have no intention of hooking up and wanting to have a long lasting relationship, they are just a cockteasers (sorry no offence to you bloggers who are reading this). So I guess by having lowering my expectations, that will limit my hunting ground but I guess it protects me from any lasting emotional harm.
Over the last couple of weeks having to leave Japan and checking out the scene here, I guess I have made up my mind as to what sort of particular guy that I would like to go out with. He has to be discreet, maybe closeted as well. He's around my age plus or minus 3 - 5 years either way. Not too tall or too feminine or beefy. I am not sure whether he would be Asian/Caucasian/African or Latino but he has to be good looking. Again what is good looking? Fit and reasonably muscular and cut. Nice pair of eyes and great smile! That will make my legs go soft and yes - reasonably tight abs!!
He must like his beer and sports - perferably rugby, running and rowing. Love kids? A definite as well - but then again there are hardly any good looking guys who like kids out there. Instead there are always into their own kind of world.
I am dreaming or what? In the so called gay world, this kind of relationship never lasts! So is he out there, does he exist? It's hard to say but I'm going to keep hoping but I need to get out of this comfort zone first! Am I looking for sympathy? Nah - just to hear me out.
Lazy Sunday
Today was especially miserable with the tropical rain falling all over Singapore. Usually it only rains for a couple of minutes and then the sky clears up. Unfortunately (or it could be fortunate depending on whether you like the rain or not), the sky did not clear up and it rained the whole afternoon and it carried on towards the evening. Not that I will complain, I love the rain especially if I am running in the rain with my iPod and my set of B&O headphones! Yes they may get wet but I have enough wrapping on my iPod to keep it "just" dry. It also helps that it is the 2nd generation iPod - so it is about to be replaced. I just need to get it a bit run down before I can justify my iPod to be replaced.
I was on Orchard road shopping late afternoon. Managed to get my newspaper fix for the weekend (this is a routine that I have been doing for the last 5 years -no matter whether I am travelling for work, holidaying or just staying at home - there this need to read the newspaper with a cup of coffee to full fill my weekend!!) Anyway, as I was looking out for a place to sit at one of my favourite cafe, I noticed this hot looking guy with an older woman. I thought immediately that she was his sugar mommy! :-) but then again he wasn't showing the traits of a kept man. So I found a place next to them and ordered my coffee. Off course I was reading as well but from time to time, I could not stop eavesdropping on their conversation. Not very exciting one off course - they were talking about singing??, something to do with 4 watches (must be some kind of deal) and they discussed somthing about Manila....So the guy was from the Philippines... Not bad looking - very muscular! Very clean cut :-) At that moment, I knew what I was doing... I was cruising and looking out for guys and checking them up and to see if my gaydar was working. I believed it was as I could point out who was and who wasn't gay! I think on one noticed me....:-)
Around me, there was this couple with their 2 year old daughter. They hardly spoke to each other during their meals. It was silence all the way and the mom wasn't interested in looking after the daughter. You could see her non commital attitude and the father wasn';t even paying attention to both of them. I was just wondering what sort of family will this become? Then direcly in front of me was a middle aged lady. She just finished her meal and obviously was waiting for someone. Like me she was absorping the environement around her. Behind me, there were 2 couples but can't figure whether the guys were a couple and thier lady friends - just friends or the other way round. At the other corner of the cafe, there was another straight couple but he was just a prick....and she a slut!! Obviously the only thing common with them was sex - and I am so jealous!!
Anyway, it was time to call it quits and I headed down to the gym to complete my weekend. I know from that on, that I am more conscious of my sexuality but still afraid of embracing it fully except in the comfort of my 4 walls.
Misbehave
Okay it is about 2:30 am in the morning and I'm drunk! Well not quite drunk but a bit too much too drink. Still sober but the brain cells are scrwed. The reflections a bit slow than usual.
And I got checked out at a straight bar by this guy.... am I suppose to smile or even go up to say hello but I did not do either of the two - just hung out with a couple of friends.
Adouis
Miyajima Island
After a sombre day in Hiroshima, I did what every tourist did when they first arrive in Japan! Try to make a trip down south to the island of Miyajima. The most photographed shrine in Japan. Also known as Itsuku-shima shrine, it is just the most famous torri gate.
When I first approach it, I was wondering what was the fuss about the torii gate but trust me, after seeing the gate, I know what was the fuss about. It just fantastic! Being a tourist and an amatuer photographer, I tried to snap as many photos as possible but unfortunately, my Canon decided that it worked too hard the day before and decided to retire for the day. Yes - I had to decide what is important and took these photos.
I decided to take a walk through the forest. The map I had described the hiking route as easy and I was suppose to be at the top of the island in an hour. Yes - after some gruelling butt excercise and shreding some calories - I managed to get to the top of the mountain on Miyajima Island. After having some issues with the battery life of my camera, I resulted to using my cell phone to take some of the pictures around the Island of Miyajima!
And yes, I bought more pottery on the island! Gosh was my bags full when I left Japan.....
Hiroshima
Before I left Japan I managed to squeeze in a couple of days of tourist activities. I thought I have to visit the most important city in Japan that changed the course of world war 2. To me this was a personal pilgrimage to visit Hiroshima. For all the cruelness in this world, extreme idealogists and mad/crazy power hungry politicians (personally all politicians should be castrated!!), the trip down south of Tokyo was an eye opener. In fact it was a very sombre afternoon visiting the Peace Musuem. Listening and reading the personal stories captured by the people affected by the bomb, I felt so remorse! I nearly cried seeing some of the photos that leveled Hiroshima by a drop of the A bomb and being in the same spot after 60 years was just a humble feeling. For all the problems we face in this world, what the people of Hiroshima had to go through aftermath was just incomprehensible. After 60 years, this city is so PEACEFUL - it is almost surreal!
It doesn't help when the profilering of nuclear weapons are ever increasing in this very small world. Just imagine another country going nuclear in the middle east! It is just a matter of time when something bad does happen. On this note, I made a silent prayer wishing that no insane government/politician will ever use this weapon against human mankind ever.
What routine?
Ok - I am longing for some routine in my life. Since I got back here, I have been living on adrenaline. Work, work and more work - what's new eh? And trying to sort my apartment out (on my own) and it is nearly there...say about 70% and all I need to do is have my couch delivered to me and baby - I am a complete person!
In between I am also trying to get a routine set up around my running and gym work out. Now I have a pool in my apartment complex - I need to start swimming again. Need to get that little colour on me! ;-) Tell you what, I am missing gym boy!! ;-( The folks that work out at my local gym are all so BITCHY!! and they suck big time! and there is no one to ogoole at. However, I have noticed a couple of folks checking me out! Now that is reassuring but I am also behaving BITCHY - so what's new??
Ah well - for a certain, I need to get my sleeping pattern in place. I have been averaging about 5 hours a day since arriving in Singapore. If I continue with this kind of lifestyle, my skin will just loose it's texture and colour. I need some TLC.... now who will give me that??
Alive and Kicking
It has almost a month since I last wrote!
I left Japan in such a hurry that after 4 weeks away from Japan, I have not stop. I have been on adrenaline - working overtime trying to finish up reports, trying to find an apartment in the midst of these deadlines, co-ordinate with the movers and rental agents! What a ardious journey for the last 4 weeks. I even managed to squeeze a work conference in between, Now that is crazy as well.
The day I left Tokyo, it was painful to leave. I wish I had another year or two and that would be awesome but due to work this was never going to happen, unless, I take a drastic step and that is to quit my job and find another suitable position in Japan, This will mean no expatriate status. Now this was going to be an issue! Losing all these perks were going to be real hard. At this point of my age - yes being 34, I can't afford not to be financially stable. So the decision to move back to Singapore was an easy one.
Anyway, after Japan, I went straight back to Singapore (yes - no holidays) and started work the following day and boy have I been working long hours again! At work, I don't blog whcih could be a career limiting move and I wasn't going to pay US$15 for an internet connection at the hotel. Furthermore, I could not justify these extra costs to the company. So I decided not to pay for it and thought I could just go to one of those internet cafes and update my blogs. Got into one cafe and then reaslied that I can't work on the blog. It was to public and everyone could see me doing things! Now that is not what I want to be as the reason why I chose to be anonymous on the blog - well that certainly did not help! So you can imagine by frustrations!! So all in no blog access for the last 4 weeks and no gay porn! And I surivived :-) - must be the age catching up!!
So today - I am connected again! yeah.... so people and bloggers (if you have not forgotten about me). Maximus Leo is back in town again.
Nite.....
