Out and About
I have been literaly caged in a room for the last five days in this very powerful self journey of discovery. I am emotionally drained, tired and totally exhausted.
You know what during this journey..... I shared my darkest secrets to people that I hardly know!! And voila, I am now OUT to the world! These few people know about my sexual orientation. And you know what - I'm so thrilled that I have managed to gather my courage to discuss my issues. So I am no longer hiding! :-)
And better still - I am alive and kicking. No one has rejected me - just yet!
So my journey begins......
I won't be blogging for another couple of days. Away from Singapore this weekend to some place more exciting!!
Labels: Coming Out
Face Lift
It is comforting to know that there are super products in the market that helps the skin to heal real fast. Last night I was given a tube of Elizabeth Arden - 8 hour cream skin protectant and applied them on my face and voila when I was back at work this morning, everyone commented that my scars are healling fast!! Heh - I can now to the GYM and don't feel so akward with the bruise!! :-)
With all these events, I have now managed to strike this conversation with this HOT guy! :-0 Ok - he is straight and has a girlriend...Didn't know that there are still good looking straight guys out there!! My heart just sank when he came up to speak with me! I got a bit nervous but even I had two minutes of conversation, I would be contented for the day!!
Is this Sad or Just Plain Teenage Crush??
Labels: Alcholic Nights
Alcoholic Nights - Part 11
The saga continues on my alcoholic nights.....
At work today, I managed to piece some more snips of missing Friday night out! I apparently had some tequila shots that night which I don't remember and at the Bar, this chick bought us not shots but tequila glasses!! And we sculled them down as well. By then I cannot remember anything...... However I did remember my last drink - cheap vodka! (probably 3 shots of them!!)
Then, as I was dancing next to some chicks, albeit a bit loose and wobbly, the bouncer came up to me and asked if I was alright. I don't remember that conversation as well. This was the time that my friend decided we should call it quits. He dragged me down - apparently I was so wobbly that I needed help and put me into a cab. Now that is another part of my life that I do not remember... Very scary indeed and I somehow managed to come home alive! Could have been mugged and knocked over into one of those monsoon drains and drowned!! Shivers!!
I checked with the night guard on duty and he can't remember any out of the ordinary. Apparently, I was sober when I walked into my apartment complex! What really gets me is that I did not leave a trial of blood at the entrance nor on the switches BUT I did find some stain in my bedroom. Even my keys were not with blood.......Sigh....
At least I did not break my teeth or had deep cuts on my face (no gay guy will then touch me!!)! Thank god for being alive....
Labels: Alcholic Nights
Friends
Love them or hate them! I don't know.....
A text conversation happened between me and a friend of mine - let's call her LC....
Beep Beep Beep....
LC: You have time for dinner this evening? I want to introduce my girlfriend to you.
ML: Hmmm...... mom is in town and I can't make it tonight. Maybe some other time?
LC: Ok, are you still interested to meet my friend? If not I wll tell her. She is a very nice person. Not a party or drinking type. Good person to be friend with...
(thinking - how am I suppose to say whether I want to meet this friend of hers or not? I want to meet a guy not a lady!!) Anyway, I text her the following message...
ML: Sorry - I am very busy lately. As I mentioned to you earlier, I will be busy in March and early April. I can only meet up with you sometime in April. Is that alright with you?
LC: Heh - I need a simple answer. Yes or No?
(took me at least a good half an hour before I replied)
ML: Hey LC - that is a very difficult question. I don't know how to answer this question. Please don't put me in a spot.
LC: Ok! I get it. I will take this as a No and will tell my friend. It is okay. You don't have to do things that you don't like to do. By the way I have deleted your cell phone no. I won't disturb you anymore. Take care.
(by then I was furious! I knew she will do that but I thought I play it cool because I never say no to meeting up with new people but the way LC has managed this is pathetic....I hate to be push into a corner and that is what she just did. A meeting like that should be made just casually so that there is no pressure or stress to talk to new people)
ML: That is a very childish thing to do - deleting one's number. I knew you will react like this. That is why I msg you earlier to gauge your reaction. Voila.... you reacted the way I anticipated. Over to you, I won't be deleting your number because I am not childish. However you are.....
LC: I really wanted to introduce to you my girl friend and she is a very nice lady. If you want, just tell me Yes or No. That is simple. If you think I am childish, that is okay. Is not neccessary to explain to you anymore.
So was I wrong to drag the conversation? Should I come out clean to her and say I actually want to meet men instead. Granted - that I am not that close to her to trust her with me coming out to her, I think I played this quite close to my heart. Alas, she could not understand why I wasn't interested at all. Actually I don't mind meeting with her and a new friend but would appreciate it to be more casual meeting as oppose to a structured one. It would be really akward and I have been in this situation and I hated it with Passion!!)
Alcohol Anonymous!
Internet speed is very slow today!! Downloading porn is now a challenge!! Thanks STARHUB! I should have just signed up with SingTel since they have a dedicated line to the apartment!
I was looking forward to yesterday as I had very good intentions to get back home early on a Friday and actually catch up with some sleep!!I have been averaging 5 hours for the last couple of days and not getting any younger, I decided I should have a very grown up night - me, myself and I at home watching PrisonBreak.
The rest was history, a couple of beers and white wine later. I was partying in town - with a hot straight guy!! :-) BUT i could not do anything. So I don't have to eloborate! Anyway, I lost bits of my memory this morning! I fell while trying to make my way back (I don't remember getting into a cab either!!), a cut upper lip, bruises on my cheek and jaw! Bruises and cuts on my hands!! And lots of blood....... What a night!! AND a BLOODY HANGOVER! So today was another slow day... Feeling sorry for myself and still trying to understand why I didn't say NO to alcohol! I should just have stayed at home! And I would be safer and actually doing productive things today. Instead, I was nursing a bruised face, hand, and head and a very overworked liver!
At 34, one would think we would be more grown up!! Unfortunately, last night was not suppose to be! I may have to sign up with Alcohol Anonymous to get rid of my drinking behaviour!! Okay - maybe I should focus more on the ABS, at least I would give up alcohol pretty soon!
Labels: Alcholic Nights
BUTS and Excuses.....
It is now approximately 5 months since I have moved back to Singapore! How time has flown past but I still find myself in the same rut! Things have moved but not much though!!
Over the last couple of months, I have come out to a total stranger who happen to have just come out as well. So he is still discovering but he is definitely miles ahead of me!! I have done a course about self awareness that should have expand my true self and seek the so called life path but somehow like I said earlier on I still feel trapped. I am more comfortable of my feelings about guys. I have accepted that I am trully attracted to guys especiallly the good looking ones but I am still comfortable making new friends with guys but not expecting any more except for the basic friendship.
I am more comfortable now with my very close friends about me being gay and we have decent conversations out relationshiops. In the past, I just shudder when I hear about gay relationships but I secretly harbour this feeling. Longing to be touched and hugged. Longing just to be love and accepted. Something pure.... Maybe one day I will find that love. Just maybe....
Anyway, it has been a long day! I realised that I have a lot of BUTs in my sentences above. Maybe this reflect my so called life which is full of excuses and BUTs.
Labels: Gay
Airports and Airpoints
Well another weekend gone! As I mentioned in my last entry, I was in KL for the weekend. KL short for Kuala Lumpur which is the capital of Malaysia. It is 50 minutes away from Singapore by air and if you have PLENTY of time, taking a coach is another option BUT is not in my vocabulary for the time being. It is a city of about 2.5 million people - chaotic, modern and charming, traffic jams to die for NOT, Asian cuisine to saviour and to top it off, a city of mystic energy!!
Do I want to live there? Nah... too much chaos (although the people are friendly), the system sucks, bureaucracy is a nightmare and what else, rampant corruption in the country. Just not my cup of tea for the time being.
As usual I flew into KL on airpoints, courtesy of Singapore Airlines. In fact, that is the only airline I currently will fly on except when there is no available seats!! Don't ask me why the pompous attitude but after being a PPS Club member for the last 3 years, I know what is service in the air!! :-) (Ok the stewards are not drop dead gorgeous but most of the stewardess are pretty decent looking gals.. if I was straight enough, I would go for any of them :-), UNFORTUNATELY, I swing the other way....sad!!). Looking at what keeps me going, I must say, my priorities are screwed.
See - since I a PPS Club member, all I can think and plot is to get myself enough airpoints (or business class sectors) to ensure I keep my so called status for another year. Currently, my travel plans are looking pretty pathetic! There are hardly any business class travels coming up!! It is likely that I will loose this status by the end of the year!! My mind is PLOTTING....I wish I could get my other priorities in order - like getting myself a partner!! So sad eh?
I bumped into this guy I had a crush on a few years back!! Man - he is looking HOT and his skin is smooth as a baby's bum!! I so want to lick his face :-) Anyway...back to reality, he is taken - so off limits!!
Labels: Vacation
OVER and OUT
There is nothing to blog today. I am having a brain cramped tonight after looking at spreadsheets and numbers the whole day!! That is the job of an accountant and I wish I could passed it down to my colleague BUT it did not happen and so ended working quite late. Funnily I managed to squeeze in an hour at the gym tonight working on my back, lats, legs, triceps and abs! Yes it was pretty focused session and was back at the apartment by 1130 pm. My narcissistic nature got the worst or better of me! You decide....
It is now 1 am and I am typing away JUST - not sure if this entry makes any sense at all. I have also packed for the weekend. Heading up to KL this weekend for a short break (no NOT a dirty weekend!!) AND there is SO much work! Ah what the hell...... I should take risks and trust my team members to help me deliver the end product..... which is more FIGURES by the way - Nothing EXCITING.
OVER and OUT!
TVBreak
Not sure what has happened to me lately.... First it was the Korean drama syndrome and NOW, Prison Break syndrome!! :-)
I nearly killed myself emotionally watching the entire Korean series in 2 weeks (all in 55 hours). I was a wreck. A total wreck....almost a junkie. The drug junkies that you can relate too.... Panda eyes.. Lost in their world and that gazed looking set of eyes... The only target for my day was to watch the Korean series and I was darned FOCUS (I wish I could channel this energy to other parts of my life!)... Glad to say I cured myself out of this and refuse to watch any Korean drama series from now on.
Now it is FOX Tv -
PrisonBreak! I have been glued to my 40 inch Sony Bravia for the last few days! When I first played it - I knew I could control my addiction! Since I never got hooked to any American series (except for Friends and Lost but they were aired at sensible times!) I was feeling good about it. 21 series later - I am hooked! BIG TIME. When I watch it on DVD, I have to have my laptop connected to FOX TV website. I read the synopsis of each episodes while watching the show. Sad or crazy? You go figure out!!
I need a TV Break and a break from the fictional characters that these gorgeous hunks play/act!!
Pursuit of Perfection
I spent another day salivating for the guy at the gym from two days ago! Yes - he was super HOT...one of the few guys that I have seen since I got back from Japan that is worth salivating over!! :-) His body was defined - and one could appreciate the contours and the shape that he has created. I know this is not right but he appears to be NATURAL - not the muscular type but the REAL type!! So what is real.... I KNOW I am superficial BIG Time.......
No wonder I am still where I am - lonely and closeted!! Maybe it is time that I move on from the Adonis type!!
Seriously Annoying
Why is this that I get all these offers from my friends who are keen to get me hook up with their lady friends? When will they stop trying to interfere with my life? I know they are really concerned about my well being but now it is getting a bit annoying. Seriously annoying!
I am sure they are smart enough to tell that I am not seriously looking for a straight relationship am I?
Anyway, I have agreed to meet up with these friends of mine who is going to set the scene up and another set of friends who are going to be my wing men - just to check out the lady friend.
Something about late night conversations....
At drinks tonight, we were talking about relationships, commitments and our ideal partners. The questions went around the table and I was up next. All I could say that I am really picky and she must be pretty, smart and confident and next I blurted out that I can't stand women who nags, whine and show tantrum! And to top it up, I was a commitment phobia guy who could not last in a relationship longer than two months. I fear the next question and it popped up anyway.....
So Max can you please tell me something... let's be honest here. Are you straight??? Max - you know you can be honest with us! We have no issues if you're not straight!!
Me - My mind was spinning and was not sure how I was going to answer this question! There was cold sweat but managed to act pretty calmly and so all I could say that I was straight!!
Friend - Be honest!! We are trully okay if you are not so straight!
Me - Sure I know, but I am straight ...BUT I just can't commit to anything and am happy being single for the time being.....
Our conversation went on for a while but managed to staff off this topic for the whole night! Phew..... But one day I owe them an answer.
It used to be that on Friday nights at around 1 am in the morning, it is not difficult too hail for a cab. Today it has been a nightmare and there were horders of late night owls waiting for or calling for cabs. Bugger! I missed those days when you walked out of a pub late at night and there is cab waiting for you!!
Angry
Not sure what it is but I have been really Angry today!
Some cyclists are idoits! - At the pedestrain crossing today, it was raining and I managed to cross to the other side of the road and as I just got there, this cyclist pulls up in front of me and stopped. I had to make way for him! I cursed under underneath my breath - fucking prick (excuse my French). I think he heard me cursed but do I care?? Obviously not!
Car drivers are inconsiderates and are fucking idiots (excuse my French again). As I was walking home after my gym and it was still raining, I had to cross the road and this fucking car driver did not even care to slow down for me to cross the road. Fucking wanker....
Car driver incident no 2 - on the way back home I had to cross another set of traffic lights and the car that turned into this lane did not even see me crossing!! He had the nerve to apologise! Another fucking useless prick!! (excuse my french again)
Talking about angry...I need some sleep!
