Monday, January 29, 2007

My thoughts and feelings about myself

I have been in a personal awareness training for the last couple of days. So plus work and training, somethings have to give way - blogging, gym and sleep. Yes...I'm so tired but somehow relieved and alive... for the first time in years, I cried so emotionally that I did not believe that I could feel alive. I am glad that I can feel now......

On the last night of the session we had to write about our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and here goes my 2 cents worth.....

My thoughts and feelings about myself

This is my sanctuary, my place where I can come home to be me again. This is my place where i get in touch with my most innerself and thoughts. This is the place where I can let down and let go. I can cry and feel vulnerable and yet be safe.

When I open myself to people, they will be the most important people in my life that will make a mark in my life. They are the ones that will provide or have provided guidance and support to me in terms of love and care.

My innerself is a place where I can generate ideas, create value and a place where I can forgive myself of all my shortcomings and failures.

This is my heaven, my space, my sacred ground. This is where I have created my sanctuary with my bare hands. My priceless item.

Adious - see you next week as I will be travelling for work. Out for Maximus Leo!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Another milestone....

Ok granted that today I have just reached my 200th blog and I was suppose to write this with a gusto. I wanted to post more pictures...BUT I have been really slack for the last couple of days! That doesn't mean that I am motivated today but I thought I will write something short to cross that 2nd milestone!!

It has been another busy week - my apartment is in a semi mess (if a word exists to describe my swanky apartment that is not quite zen due to my newspapers and bills lying all over the living room), the floors have not been vacuumed and I could feel dusts appearing on my marble floor!! I was going to wait until I reach this stage - just to see how long I can live without help from a part time helper! Not doing a great job I must say!! I guess I need to look for that number again!!

Work is just crazy again with demands of deadlines and reporting requirements...again what is new in this part of my life?! :-) So I managed to get my reports out in time before the weekend. I had a friend over from London who visited Singapore last weekend. It was great to meet up someone familiar again. I realised how much I have not lived for the last 3 years!! It was great having him around. He made me live again!! And I have been SO SLACK that I have not even ventured out of the CBD until yesterday. We went for a run next to a reservoir - got bloody wet and had mud all over my precious running shoes! Got my running attire cleaned last night and now the shoes are in the washing machine!!

Boy I am in pain now (and I thought I was fit!!)... walking like an invalid 34 year old guy!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Baby Steps

Since I last wrote about why I should not come out, I have actually been introduced to a friend's friend who happens to be gay. I have been in hiding since the new year's - feeling a bit sorry for myself and off course been bogged down with work as well.

Anyway, I had a good chat with this friend of mine who knows that I am a closeted gay. We chatted for a while in the new year and explained the state of my emotional self. Tell you what, it was great just being able to talk to someone about my stuff without feeling the fear or hate for myself. I slowly opened up bit by bit but still can't bring the conversation far enough to feel comfortable but it was definitely a good start. After coffee, we parted and said our good byes. I did not hear from her until the following week.

She happened to know someone who was also gay but trusted this guy to let him know of my journey. She suggested that we should all meet up for a late night cuppa! So we did.... In fact I nearly piked out as I wasn't sure I wanted to talk someone about my most inner secrets - face to face in a cafe, let alone to a stranger!! Anyway, at the 11th hour, I told myself, if I did not do this for myself, I will never be at ease with my closet condition. So I gather what ever strength I had on the day and met them for a good hour. Gosh! was I tired after the emotional session......

It was a great conversation - I knew someone who was really at ease with himself being gay. In fact he just came out about 4 years ago and so pretty new to the whole journey which I could associate with. So we talked - at first a bit uncomfortable and then a flood of discussions and questions... What a relief!

Somehow after the conversation, I was more at peace with myself and guess what??? I got hit in the gym that week as well!! :-) Well he was pretty direct and he came up to me at the gym and asked for my phone number. Okay may be I have exaggerated a bit but we have spoken only once before - and that was about 8 months ago!! Boy he still remembered my name. So I gave him my number and left that as it is. I am not sure if I will call him but we wil see.....

I met up with my new so called "counsellor" again on Sunday for a Chinese Brunch and chatted amongst the busy and talkative crowd....Again more questions and answers. I somehow felt at ease talking to him and slowly tried to make sense of this journey. I realised that I have used so much of my energy surpressing myself for being gay that I have forgotten to live. In fact emotionally I have been really numbed for nearly a decade!! (or even longer). And to top it off for the day he commented that I was really attractive and I was out in the gay community I would be a good catch!! LOL :-) Now that was something that I did not expect or even see myself as attractive. I guess it is beauty to the eye of the beholder.

Tell you what I am now more consious of myself and how I dress now.... hehehhe

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Kinki Kids??? Hmmm

I took this picture at Harajuku Station before I left Japan. Kinki kids eh? :-)



Anyway, it is only 10 days into the new year but I am already starting my bad habits again. Long hours at work, stress levels are up again and I am sleep deprived. I am working out later at the gym and this doesn't help me with going to bed early!! So I am now watching Korean drama series on Cable and yes it is very addictive....No wonder I am very short tempered at work!!! :-)

Oh yes, the long hours at work is not helping me to achieve my 2007 New Years resolution to find love......

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Hiding in the closet.... Part 2

After a couple of days of reasonable amount of reflection time.....this is the continuation of the reasons of why I can't come out.

Legal Framework - There are no laws yet around Asia that will protect the rights of gays and lesbians although there are a lot of discussion and topics of being gay here. When I say no laws yet, I am pretty hopeful that certain part of Asia, the political gay movement will come around but not in my life time. Anyway, people frowned about homesexuality here but people tend to be more accepting. However I am not sure to what extent though. There are no specific laws about hiring and firing people here. Employers almost have the upper hand in firing people that they don't like. So if people are still not accepting of gays here what are the chances that I will be able to hold a stable job or let alone to grow my career and have a decent amount of money to live on?

Marriage - Does this hold true for gay and lesbian couples or is this a straight think only? Can gays and lesbian maintain a long and lasting relationship like straight couples? I have seen and heard (no personal linkage here) that these relationships do not lasts. What about commitment? Then there are promicious sex amongst gays. Not that I don't necessarily agree but I guess it comes with it. Hence the fragility of gay relationships! Would it be true that gay people tend to stray more than straight people! Or is this just a misnomer? What about starting a family? Will the law makers agree to allow gays and lesbian to adopt kids? What about surrogate parenthood? Will this be allowed? It all boils down to how much money you have and willing to pay for this service?

The gay scene: Not quite sure where I sit on this topic but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. I guess I am just not use to it and hence can't quite accept the whole gay scene! The mardi grass, the so called gay party nights or the club scenes. Where do I fit in? I don't even have a six pack abs to show off or the smooth body and physique! What about the adonis look? The beutiful guys that associate with the gay scene? So what if we are gays? Do we have to fit the profile? The gym freaks? (Don't get me wrong - I am also a gym freak!) The vanity and fashion scene that goes along with being gay.... Do I want to be lumped as one? I don't know..... Then people here ten to associate gay being feminine and cross dressing? But I am not and no where there. I'm now pretty muscular (although not that lean yet) but I am no where there....no where there!!

Childhood - Just today I read an article that when we were once children our minds have pretty much set how we do things and associate our early childhood days with. Little boys tend to play army, soldiers and guns where as the little girls will love to play with their dolls. Well when I was younger, I love playing with my Lego sets and Dolls - yes paper dolls and all sort of dolls. I love playing dress up.... So what does this make me? I never played any army and soldiers but I did not know why then. It just happen..... Now I realised this after reading this article, I now know why I was different and will forever be different. At least it makes more sense now!

I Can't Go Back: Being in the closet is easy to manage society's expectations. But once I am out I can't go back to the closet unless I move to a different country and start my life again. But at 34 it is going to be real difficult. So it is relatively easy to be in the closet and at least I still have the option....

I am not sure being in the closet means being fucked up! Sometimes I do pray to GOD to hear me out - at least help to end all this confusion. I just wish that some one (hopefully my Gym Boy from Tokyo) will come by and sweep me off my feet so that I can come to terms with my life. But I guess I am more fucked up in my mind than ever, Apologies if i have offended any of my readers!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Hiding in the closet.... Part 1

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where I am heading with it. Suddenly everything is at a stand still and I'm just so unmotivated right now. I am constantly thinking and assessing my sexuality. Most of my energy is channelled towards this issue. If I only route this energy into something more productive, I am sure I would be able to lead a very satisfied and fruitful life. As you know, I am still in the closet and only 4 people in this world now about my sexuality. For most of the part - 3 of them do not live in Singapore and the other friend lives here but I hardly talk to her as we are so busy with our work and daily lives....

So why not come out? It is not easy as it seems to be and I know that there are a lot of successful gay people out there but for those successful stories, there are also a handful of stories that not so successful. That got me thinking really hard and that is why I am so hesitant to move out of my comfort zone. For I fear failure.....

The reasons for not coming out....

Family - I come from a big family and the social stigma for coming out to the family would be devastating. Being the eldest in the family, it is also expected of me to have kids as well. A whole lot of expectations are laid on me being the eldest. In addition to this, my parents have an extensive circle of friends in my home town. At 34 and still single, I am sure there are questions asked about my bachelor status.....and I know mom is quite keen to get me hooked up!! On the other hand, if they know about my sexualilty I am not sure how mom will face them! I think my immediate family will accept me but I know my brother in law is homophobic - so if he finds out the true me, I could end up being ostracized by him and my neice and nephew won't be able to hang out with me again!

Work - I have lead a very successful career at my work place. What would happen if senior management and colleagues find out? How will they react? Would I still get the same respect that I get now? Can I still be treated the same? See - all these questions become harder to answer as I go down my lists! And to be honest work means a big deal for me as I put my so called productive years in my work in order to grow my career. How would I pick myself up if the rejections are unbeareable? I shudder to even picture myself in this situation. What happens if they fire me? There are no laws here to protect you from unscroupulous employers here....I could be out of a job and would not be able to keep my apartment!!

Denial - sometimes I think that all this is a joke! Someday somehow this beautiful women will come into my life and take my heart along with her. She will forgive me on my short comings. She will shower me with immense love and respect that I decide not to pursue the gay route. I will stay normal and faithful and fit in just right with the main stream society. Denial? Yes - 100% considering that i have not had any chemical attraction to ladies. Yes, I have been out with ladies but never had the so called chemistry. As for guys, if there is one cutie near me or he comes to speak to me, my legs will go soft and my heart smitten by his charm. Yes, i have been there and I so want to be with this guy. So this is denial at the fullest....

There are more excuses.....currently my mind is just tired and I think I had enough of thinking and reflection for the day.