Maximus Leo

Just my 50th Blog

Well when i first found out about blogs seriously beginning of this year, I enjoyed reading the individual postings of gay related themes (where have I been). I could connect and associate with some of these blogs and found that I'm not the only one feeling a "bit" confused and lost. This was an avenue that I could deal with my feelings, vent them out in the open and yet remain anonymous! So that's when I decided to write and even that I wasn't sure that I would be able to write about matters dealing with myself continously, or whether I could keep up with the postings and whether I had enough time to squeeze in writing and reading blogs and doing a full time job....And then I just realised that I have reached my 50th blog which I did not seriously expect to reach. That was a milestone achieved!

Looking back - I must say posting my feelings on the web has been good. It has definitely helped me in dealing with these pressures and trying to stay straight in my surroundings that I have built based on work and the daily routine. Nothing too exciting but I seem to be going just with the flow.

But I just do not want to go with the flow. I'm 33 and yet I have no direction in my personal life. My friends, siblings, colleauges have all of them - married or partnered, have kids or in the process of having kids, boyfriends, girlfriends. As for me, I'm the odd one out! My mom and relatives are giving so much pressure to get hitched-and being the eldest in the family doesn't help either. So when it comes to family gatherings - I hate it so much! So sick of the questions that I just wish I could say I'm gay and just feel them scattering aroud with this embarrassment broadcast to the family....only wish I could do this and they could leave me alone,,,or maybe ostracised! But then again the better of me - the accountant side always preached the save approach (maybe that's why I'm still in the closet!) i jsut wish I could just leave this side of me and concentrate on the other aspects of my life i.e smelling the roses and actually moving on with other things in life that I need to achieve. After all we have only a finite time on this earth and we should do as much as possible before we depart!

I also started out with some New Year's resolution, on the excercise front, I think I've achieved what I set out to and that was to maintain my weight and managed the body fat! Just another 3% body fat and I will be on the road to have a rock hard abs! :-) I've done much cooking at home but lately I have not been able to do this as I've been going out with my colleagues for drinks and food. I'm now reasonably piss fit but at a huge cost of my liver! Now for some serious detoxification process.



As for running, haven't been doing much lately because of winter. I know this is a bad excuse but is't true- just could not make myself runn into the cold icey wintery air. So I decided to put this on hold until spring! Spring is now in the air and have started running again. My gaol is to run the Singapore Half Marathon in under 2 hours this time round. Running in the tropics vs running in the nothern/southern hemisphere is so different. The weather itself could shave about 5 -10 minutes of one running time but then again it's the novice talking! For my aim to be in bed by 11.59 pm everyday, hmmm...that's not so achievable yet. I have been averaging about 6 hours a day during the week and somehow that is just enough for me but I know long term it's not healthy. I have to put some effort into this.

As for my Japanese lessons - well, I think I'm not there yet. I have not put enough effort during the week and that really relates to ordering food and doing greetings. So this needs to be revisited again so that I don't loose side of this and as for travelling around Japan, yeap - that's on target! It's a catch 22 - travelling and saving more! My saving plans are achievable for the time being. It's a wonder when you restrict your spending on the old credit card. So that's a big tick for me! Just have to focus on this and make sure I don't loose sight of this.

The the movie of the year - Brokeback Mountain - had a profound impact on me that I just kept thinking about the movie. I know about the forbidden love and I know how hard is it to have this something so special. But then again, I did not choose this either. Somehow - I wish things could be a lot easier and simpler. But when I look around me, I'm glad and grateful that the other aspects of my life have been great. I just need to spread the balance around without crashing down! :-)

Ah well-enough said. This is me and now I have to look at the other "achieavable" milestone - my 100th blog and come to terms with my own inner self and feelings and stay focus throughout the year.

posted by Maximus Leo @ 1:55 AM