Short term expectations
Today is the longest I have worked in Japan!
When I accepted this short term contract about 9 months ago, I did not expect to work really hard, getting down to details and micro managing people. It has almost becoming a drag to work nowadays! Just recently, it has been a chore just to get out of bed and drag myself to work. In addition to this, the humid summer in Tokyo did not help either!
What did I expect? Well, let's see....
1. I expected to see more of Japan but have probably covered a tiny bit of this island nation
2. Make new friends but it's been limited to colleagues at work...Gosh that probably explains why I am such a geek nowadays.
3. Find myself! At least accept that I'm gay and move on but that decision hasn't been made yet fully! Thinking that I'm in a new place, I should get in touch with that side of me....but to be honest, I have not had the strength to go through this process.
4. Pick up a new language. Well I'm struggling big time nowadays. At 34, the brain is really stretched when it comes to learn a new language. At least I'm picking words here and there but I wanted to do more. Like being able to recognise the katakana and hiragana characters.
5. Not work so hard but this is just in the past...sigh!
6. And lastly to obtain a lean mean machine body (plus the 6 pack abs!) considering Japanese food is so much healtier.... but I'm probably 25% there.
Anyway my Japan stint is coming to an end and I have to make up for lost time! I hope there are no regrets when I leave this place that I have come to enjoy so much over the last couple of months.
Food for thought
Burgers, french fries, pizzas and fried drumsticks... and lots of COFFEE!
That's what I have been having for my meals over the last two days plus a very very tired body and mind! ...and I can't be fucked going to the gym as well. So much for getting a lean mean body!!
Noodles-holic...
I did not do anything highly adventurous last weekend. I managed to pull myself away from the evil arch (Roppongi) on Saturday night and came back home sober!! :-) I was proud that I was an adult and could say no to Beer or Shots! And to top it all my Liver was intack and so was my head!! :-)
Sunday was a bit of an excitement! I went out to find this noodle place in Shinjuku with a friend of mine! Took us an hour to find the place and when we found it, we had to wait another hour before we got to eat our noodles!! Was it worth the wait? Let me see - for the experience yes! The noodle place is very cool! Very funky and Japanese as well. So go figure out how this works from a cultural perspective!!
Last week Sunday
These were the photos that I wanted to post last week but my blog kept crashing!! Anyway, I have tried again today and it worked! Voila! Must be some cranky techno stuff that I'm definitely not intune with.
Anyway, I started my Sunday with a lunch outing in Harajuku. A very popular Shikoku ramen shop at the top of Harajuku. This is one of the best ramen noodles I have tasted in Japan! Delicious chunks of pork meat and miso soup and lots of noodles.
Then - a stroll to Meiji Shrine where I said a couple of prayers and off course asked for some wishes along the way:-)
Followed by having my daily cup of caffine
And off course, I did not want to leave Japan without ever watching a live baseball game. So I was here at Tokyo Super Dome
- and check this out... the entire stadium was air conditioned! I know nothing about the baseball game but I simply enjoyed the cool air and atmosphere...A couple of beers later...I was pretty 'happy" and boy was it a slow start on Monday morning
A tribute to Voyuernation
Something poignant and somber - writing your own obituary. I read this in
voyeurnation Very touching and sad but at the end still positive about the journey of life and based on his strengths and outlook of life, we should appreciate what we have around us and make an effort to give the necessary love to others, be considerate to people around you and lastly be thankful of what you have.
I have basically refered to his last few messages and have decided to store here in my blog as well to remind me of how our life can be fragile....
One of Marc's Final Blog Entries:
So, this week - I had to accept the news that my health is not good. In fact, it's piss-poor. I need to be thankful for the years given me. I truly defied the odds. But like any gambling game - sooner or later; one's luck run's out.
The irony is that the very day I found out about my health situation - was the same day I found out that my book was going to be published (it will most likely be posthumously, though).
I've never learned how to say goodbye to living people. I know how to let go of dead people - but when they're still alive; I've always believed in not ending it. I've always just left it open-ended; and sometimes those people have returned in my life.
That's how I'm approaching blogland. I can't say goodbye because I don't want to. I'm not ready to give up something; which has brought me so much joy.
But realistically, my life's focus is bonding with those in my life; outside cyber.
But thank you for listening to my stories and befriending me. My blogbuds have been my lifeline......through many years of sickness. You guys may've not realized that; but you were - and you still are. It's just that I need to start letting go.
Thanks for your emails, comments, prayers, and friendship.
Lastly....I realize I've teetered back and forth between a supposed blog break.....and then blogging.....several times.....over now......I'm sorry for the roller coaster ride......It's just a demonstration of how completely overwhelmed and frightened I am.
Sometimes......I utilize writing when I'm feeling this way......and that's what the world has witnessed......over the past few weeks.
This is no longer a positive outlet for me.....Going through the journey of death.....is a personal exodus......One which......even The_Gay_Dude isn't willing to put out there.....for the universe to see.
Love,
Marc
Unrelated
Food for Thought:
1. Write letters to all your loved ones....telling them how much they mean to you.....Address the envelopes.....Make someone responsible for mailing them......and then stash them away somewhere.....to be sent out in the event of your unexpected death......Just don't put stamps on them....cuz we all know the post office likes to increase rates.....every 6 months or so!
2. Take your furry friends to visit sick people in the hospital.
3. Volunteer for a cause or donate money to a charity.
4. Make it a habit to tell people you love them or care about them.....when ending a visit or phone conversation. It's sappy.....but you could die before you see them again......Life's all about valuing and cherishing those who impact us everyday.....Don't take one second for granted.
5. For my blogbuds.....who are in the closet......I hope you find the courage to walk out that door.
6. For my blog buds with substance abuse issues......Please take care of yourself.
7. For the ill bloggers......Don't underestimate......the power of writing.
8. I encourage everyone to make joy logs.....We all have things to be thankful for.....even when it feels like things are grim.
9. For all of those who are sad......that they never met me.....we'll meet on......some bright.....sun-shiney day.....in the far off future.....(Just flutter your wings around and ask the peeps where ya can find The_Gay_Dude, LOL).
10. Smile......even when you don't feel like it.....It does your soul some good.....and it 'lifts' those around you.
What is success?
I have been trying to post some pictures on my blog for the last couple of days but this kept on crashing. I have tried keeping the pictures small and even deleted some old pictures but it just won't let me post them. Ah well, I have to start clearing my porn from my diskdrive and see what happens next.
How does one determine whether he/she is successful in thier life? Who judges us? And do we allow others to judge us so that we meet their expectations or is it the other way round? Do you determine your own success?
What is this with us? Why do we need to compare amongst our peers? Family members? Why is this urge to be the best? Why do we need to compete and bring unneccessary stress and pressure on to ourselves? And as part of this process, we aged, our immune system breaks down and we become miserable humans! Or is there another way of living? Let me know and I will gladly take this option.
Anyway these are some questions that came into my mind whilst walking home with a co worker of mine who made this remark that I'm pretty successful at the age of 34? Am I? I hardly even think about this question but obviously I do yearn to achieve something in my life. Currently is career and weatlh and hopefully on this journey I will be able to find my true love as well. Maybe it's time to consider this aspect of my life and try to be more of a human!
Nothing exciting
Some of my highlights of the day....
1. It's another hot day but thankfully it wasn't humid.
2. Saw gym boy today for the first time this week and he has a personal trainer! He's looking trimmer :-)
3. Met a nice young lady at the pub today. We were standing next together watching a live sports game but I was too engrossed with the game to notice her! ;-) But she finally said hello and introduced herself to me! :-) Spoke to her for a while, game ended and had to rush back to the office.
4. And I did not drink any beer at the game. I'm so disciplined!!
5. Was at Tower Records today and refrained from buying any magazines!! (I love my mags by the way) But saw this guy who was a real hotie - wearing a tight muscle green singlet and pair of hot jeans. He was srceaming GAY! What a sight....I shrugged and moved on!
Ice cream and cakes..
An ice cream and two pieces of cake. That was my afternoon tea! SINFUL?? Yeah...you bet! :-) No wonder my body fat is still at 18%...... sigh!
Well is the end of the week and yes I'm going back to work tomorrow. So no change to my weekend routine over the last couple of months. No wonder I need a break from all these crap!
It has been steaming HOT for the last 3 days. Humidity was about 90% - walking out of my airconditioned apartment is like stepping into a freaking sauna!! Although this is suppose to be good for the skin but I would disagree! And when my legs start to sweat and soaks through my pants, this is HOT big time. Geez...I can't wait for autumn and winter.
Any sympathy?
I'm FUCKING PISS OFF ..... Aargghhhhh
I'm FUCKING PISS OFF ......Aargghhhhh
I'm FUCKING PISS OFF ......Aargghhhhh
I'm FUCKING PISS OFF ......Aargghhhhh
I'm FUCKING PISS OFF .......Aargghhhhh
Why is there so much FUCKING crap to deal with at work??? Sigh....it's just another day at work.
I so wish I could just walk away from all this FUCKING crap!
Selfish world.
It's been 3 days of hectic work.... I'm now working like a machine. Eat, sleep, work and gym and the occasional surfing of the web! So this is going to be real short blog.
There is nothing to write about today. There are some thoughts on the recent foiled attempt to blow up a couple of civilian planes over the Atlantic, about the Middle East conflicts and the debate who has won the war and the recent visit of the PM of Japan to the Yasukini Shrine. I can't seem to write anything that will allow me to capture my thoughts and articulate them clearly at 12:30 am..... brain dead precisely. Anyway, these are recent events that just confirm that the world is a more dangerous place to live in and all I can worry is about myself. Selfish isn't?
Sunday in recovery
I woke up this morning with an absolute killer hangover and with a naked man in my bed.....
Sounds like my fantasy! No naked man BUT woke up with a huge hangover. Can't remember the last 2 hours of my binge drinking sessions with my work colleagues. Started really good but as we progress though the night, the drinking got serious and moved from beer to champagne to shots! I never learnt!
My head still hurts. My body oozing with alcohol and I lost my entire Sunday to alcohol recovery. I should know better - at age 34, recovery takes a longer time!
Happy Birthday to ME
Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday to ME! Yes - that's right I'm finally 34 years old today. Born in the year of RAT and a down right LEO. Which now makes me roughly middle age! and I'm suppose to be mature, wise and stable! Yeah right...
My birthday wishes? Hmmm..... LOTS...where do I start? I probably need to make a note of this. One of my wishes is to be able to take a holiday soon and I would like to visit the ocean again. This picture was taken from my last "REAL" holiday I had 4 years ago!!
Is it true?
This guy I bumped into at a Pub in Roppoingi a couple of months back also works out at my local gym. So in my intoxicated state, I introduced myself - said a couple of complementaries and went back to my group. Happily drunk! :-)
Anyway, I have seen this guy around the gym and off course being a nice guy, I have always said hello and made small talk but never more than a 3 minute conversation.
So yesterday, in my usual gym session, I bumped into him, talked to him and actually had a decent conversation. I did not see this coming but the next thing he said was .....
Hey do you want to catch up for a drink one of these days after your workout?
Me: Hmmm.....(struggle to keep a straight conversation)...yeah sure but it has to be after my workout. ..Yeah one of these days....
Sure - no worries. Let me know...we could also catch a quick bite.
Me: Yuppp...... (still thinking what to do next).
Just around here will be fine...I know of a nice quiet bar!
Me: (What the f..... does he want - a nice quiet bar??? ) Ahhh... okay and when he went on to work on the machine, I walked away VERY quickly....
and did not want to make any eye contact after that! I was a bit confused at the whole situation. Could be a guy just wanting to meet new people or does he want to get to know me better!! Well I did not get to speak to Gym Boy but I believed I got picked up at the gym!! :-) Sweet thoughts...
Arghhh...going to be 34 years old soon!! Say good bye to being 33...
Eyes Wide Opened.
Had a bad night last night. Well not totally bad that I did not sleep at all! In fact I was in deep sleep and woke up suddenly. Then it daunted me that I'm going to reach 34 years old in a couple of days.
Boy - did I have my eyes wide open then! Must have seen a ghost of something lurking in my bedroom. My heart beat picked up speed and was up for a while! Gosh was I worried - 34 years old, still single and desperately wanting to find love. Then I did a mental comparison with my other friends and they are either in a relationship or married and one friend recently had a baby. For those who are still single - well they are enjoying their lives and making the most of it. As for moi - still closeted, confused, confirmed workaholic and a gym freak!! Not much of a life to remember eh?
After 5 mins, I calmed down and slowly went back to bed. Woke up pretty miserable anyway and not looking forward to reach 34 years old...eventually. Didn't realised that age was catching up so fast. It feels like the last time I check where I was heading, it felt like yesterday but it has now been over 8 years. Shizer! Where to from now???
Queer in a making....
As usual today I was at the gym after work and I made a mental note to myself to see how many of the gym goers that I see works out around the same time as I do. I know this is sad and a reflective of my social life. However it keeps me entertain whilst working out. Vis a vis - I'm basically a sad creature in making!!
The only people or anyone closely related to the gym would be the trainers and the receptionist that I see nearly everyday when I work out. I see others but not as often as gym boy.
Now when someone you see nearly everyday at the gym...wouldn't you say hello or even smile at each other? Apparently not. He has his iPod and works out in his own world and me? Well, I try to work out in a way that avoids him so much so I don't seem to be stalking him! :-) Yes I do occassionally stare at him when he works out or take a glance from the corner of my eye hoping that he will do the same. Well.... he has not done anything of that sort! So I guess he must be really straight as a pole.
As for me, well, I'm miserable that there is no opportunity to make conversation with him. Even if the opportunity exists I would be really nervous and may not be able to speak. I will fumble and he would see that through in me. Nevertheless, I would like to think that he is just one factor in my life to confirm that I could be really a Queer. You see - for the receptionist who mends the front door - she is a looker, she has a beautiful smile and yes she has got a gorgoues body as well BUT I hold out to talk to Gym Boy instead! Yes I'm infatuated by him.
Hard Work or Slavery?
I called a very close friend of mine and chatted to her for a while discussing her wedding plans, her requirements for a wedding gift and also conforming my attendance to her wedding. It's going to be a very hectic week I must say - out of Tokyo on Friday and back again on Monday evening! Spending nearly half of the weekend in the air - ie 24 hours all in!!
Something she mentioned today got me thinking about my so called life journey. Why do I worked so hard? Why do I allow this to happen? She also stressed that for the amount of hours I worked plus my experience around the region, I would be better off in another company. I would command a higher salary but without slaving long hours!
So why am I working so hard? I paused and for the next 20 s and thought hard about the question......
If I could answer the question again, my answers would be the following:
1. I've always believe in working hard and delivering results within deadlines
2. With hard work (and off course with a bit luck), management will take notice of you (don't forget playing the politics as well)
3. Being a minority in the Company, where I'm today just fuel my ambition to go further ie I must take on challenges to prove my worth
4. I guess I feel the satisfaction of just being here today.
5. And off course, I'm running away from myself, so putting countless hours at work will allow me not to think of my personal emotional failures.....
This is probably how I see myself - narrow, silo but focused to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just maybe...Well, enough said for today.
Being a tourist
Some pictures from the Edogawa Ichikawa Fireworks Festival in Tokyo today.
Gosh it was stinking hot - at 36 C and we were out on the river banks since 2 pm this afternoon. There were approximately 100,000 people watching the fireworks festival on the banks (that's my rough estimate or rather the figure looks impressive)! So one can imagine the nightmre of getting into the train to go home! Gosh it was jam packed with smelly and sweaty people!!
I am so burnt and dehydrated.
Solitude soul!
Wow - it has been exactly 10 days since....
- I visited anyone's blog or even wrote anything into my boring blog!
- I surfed the web for porn
- I surfed the web for more porn - video and jpeg files....
- I hit the gym and now feel totally FAT
- I last saw gym boy....sigh!
and I have no withdrawal symptons! Thank god for that I could excercise discipline! What? Am I turning into a monk?
On the positive side of things....
- I managed to be in bed well before 12 pm
- At work by 8 am
- Have been eating heaps of good Japanese food...
- And of course working hours hasn't changed! Not quite sure why I have described this activity as POSITIVE? Hmm....
