Just contemplating
Although I was out on Friday night, I was disciplined and did not drink excessively...Well at least I paced myself and had a couple of bottles of water in between drinks! So the morning was a good start....no hang over! :-)It's a Saturday today and spring is in the air! So it was a nice walk to work (yes, I had to go back to clear some stuff - you just can't imagine how much shit I had to go through last couple of weeks and decided that I have to do a couple of hours to clear the pile of to do list!). In my daily walks to work, I have to pass Shiba Koen (or Shiba Park) on my way and normally at 8 am in the morning, you don't get a lot of people strolling around the park! But today, the Park is full of kids and young parents. The pramps were out and the parents were fussing over their kids. In that moment of time, I thought to myself that most of the young parents are around my age and somehow I just wished I was them - with kids to cuddle and care for. I could have been married by now and just could be one of them as well. Why am I cursed with this confusion, I ask myself? How do I get around this? and for that splitting moment, I thought I wanted to be normal again so that I can fall in love with a woman and marry her! But then again, who am I kidding? Just myself.... I'm still physically attracted to guys and somehow women just won't do it for me! Thus I'm really hesitant to even find out if I can pursue a straight relationship. I get cold feet if a woman shows a slight hint of interest for me! How can I tell someone that I'm closeted and yet enjoy a straight relationship? How would she feel? What would she think of me? What if she confides in her friends? I would be a laughing stock!
So you see it's not easy....what ever decisions you make in this life, you would just have to face the consequences. Being straight and normal is so easy and convenient. Only if I was born this way. So for the time being, I have resolved to remain single and act overwhelming straight but I still like to go to the gym and stay fit. My gaydar will be switched on (not working at all by the way!) but the best men is always at the tip of your mouse... and that is satisfaction for the time being...... Sorry...finding LOVE is low priority for me at this point in time. But if the right man (maybe woman as well?) comes, I wll be there to embrass him/her with my open arms! Only destiny will tell! Sigh.....
posted by Maximus Leo @ 11:26 PM
1 Comments:
Friend, I wanted so much to tell you that, feelings for a woman can be developed and nurtured when you meet the one who will even die for you. That getting excited when seeing a woman in bed can be slowly trained and get used to. That even when one prefers doing it with a guy, he still can get accustomed to doing it with a woman although the satisfaction might never be as great as doing it with a guy!
But alas, different people react differently. Each of us have our own idiosyncracies that shape our attitude and expectations. So, while I wanted very much to tell you those positive things which could happen to you, I do not know whether they would be 100% applicable to you. They might be applicable to you, but I wont know for sure. Only you and you alone can evaluate whether or not those will work for you too.
As for me, although I know and accept what I am and who I am, I have chosen not to lead life this way. I am kind of a rebel, you see. The more I get "victimised", the more I wanna break free. So, the more this fucking "confusion/disease" victimise me, the more I wanna go the opposite direction and fight it off, and try to be one of the hetero guys. So what? Let's see what it can do to me. Worst case scenario, I will die feeling unfulfilled. But that doesnt matter. It's the least of my priorities --- as long as I die making this world a wee bit better than I found it and making people around me a wee bit happier.
Yeah, a lot of people may say, hey, if you live this way till you die, you wont have lived your true self, and would have wasted your life!
Yea, that may be right. But I would rather die this way, than living my true self and bring so much inconveniences to my life and to my family as a result of me leading the gay life. I accept that I am born this way, and I will just have to NOT live my true self in THIS life. Hopefully, in the next life (if any! ha ha), I shall be born normal again.
No where in any rule book says that by being gay, one has to lead a gay life and be with a same sex partner. Same thing goes if I say, by being born an Indian, it doesnt mean that one has to be a Hindu and lead a life with Indian culture. I read in the papers recently that an Indian guy who doesnt speak a word of Tamil, and is Taoist, and has a Chinese name and wife too! Why? He was given away to a Chinese family, and he doesnt feel Indian at all! He thinks like you and I, he thinks like a Chinese. The only thing weird about him is his Indian outer appearance.
So, there goes. I shant be a smart alec lecturing you like this too much, as I myself isnt any better than you. You know what to do when the time is right.
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