Just running away....
There was a lot of soul searching this weekend (just maybe!)....My friend and I caught up after a long period of half empty promises to catch up! She turned up to be quite a character having gone through a couple of break ups and career choices and eventually spiritual enlightenment! It was good talking to her as it provoked some hard knock issues that I have to settle soon....or else, I'm just going to be in this zone - neither here nor there! Surely this is going to be difficult to face as one grows older and people expect more of you!We agree that we are running away from ourselves and that is why we enjoy the work, the travelling and the independence! We enjoy being free but yet consious of our singlehood and dead scared of being lonely! But then again, with good health and good career prospect, these issues sometimes become secondary! However, we are mere mortals at the end of the day, and we depart to the other room, what do we leave behind? and to whom? and being human beings, we need to be loved and to love others.
So why are we running away? Well for me, I'm just scared to tell anyone of my situation. What do I do if I come out? What's going to happen to my career prospects? People's opinion and their respect of me? My family.... what are they going to say? React? And can one keep a lasting relationship with the same sex - considering gay relationships are very unstable! What about HIV and AIDs - which are so prevalent around us and the stigma attached to being gay! So many questions but not enough answers. So what can I do but to hide here! Until someone saves me! But who will that be though?
I have asked forgiveness from GOD and hope that whatever decisions I make in the future, I sincerely hope that he will be there for me! That's having faith in HIM but then again I'm just so scared! I'm not willing to let go!
So what do I do? I just keep running away - further and further into oblivion and then one day! Ka boom......
posted by Maximus Leo @ 11:02 PM
1 Comments:
I can only pray, if nothing else I can do. I can only hope for the best for you, if nothing else I can do. I can only be the pillar to lean on, and shoulder to cry on, should you one day feel like going ka-boom.
But before you really feel like going ka-boom one day (I really hope this day will never come), just hang in there until you can give me a tinkle or a ping. I can't guarantee a solution (for I am no better than you), nor that you will get wise cracks nor divine words from me (for I have also only eaten as much rice as you).
But what I can promise is that you might be able to diffuse the tension, and the stress that will make you go ka-boom, and you will then be able to hang on a little bit longer. Don't allow yourself to explode. When faced with a blank wall or stumbled upon a hard wall, go to sleep. When you wake up, it's another new day. Serious. Try it, if you haven't already. Although the stress will still be there, after that sleep, I will guarantee that at least 1% of the stress will be gone, altough 90% will still be around. 10% gone is at least something, isn't it? Take it step by step. Don't be too greedy to wish for the stress and tension to be gone totally at one go. :-)
Will always be saying a prayer for you whenever I talk to Him. Be strong.
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