Maximus Leo

Weekend Solace....

Well another quiet weekend...nothing too exciting except that I have had the time to reflect and think about the past events that have happened to me over the last couple of months. They have shaped my thoughts, had an impact on my emotional feelings and certainly to an extent my confidence levels as well. As you know, I've been feeling a bit lost lately and didn't realised that my confidence were at the lowest levels until I was chatting with a friend over the internet. That hit me and I realised that this was the caused of my so called internalising of issues. I seemed to go in circles with my issues!! Don't know how to let this out except for my gym routine which is now so routine that it seldom helps to clear my mind except to make me physically tired. I basically pushed them away, locked them in my closet quite comfortably until it hits me at the lowest and they start creeping out again like maggots lurking to eat me up!

The disappointment with a certain colleague at work, the bosses, the amount of crap one have to deal at work-the so called challenges of managing process and cultural changes, uncertainty of my career with this company and many more work related stuff. After going through my resume again this weekend and looking to what I have done and gained from my work experiences, I have a lot going for me but I seem to lack confidence and the go getter attitude. Maybe it's now the right time to do so! I need a change in scenery and direction.

On my physical transformation, hmmm....that's another challenge that has been ongoing-I've lost more than 4 kg since being in Japan and have mainly gone on a vegeterian diet at night to keep the carbo loading down and have added creatine and whey powder to my daily food intake and I'm not even there yet with the male models on Men's Health or Fitness Rx. So what's the issue with me? Bad genes? or bad infood intact. And I have to stop searching for porn on the internet. All these guys have such good bodies to die for!! sigh.... I have to accept my limitation or else this fixation to look like one of the male models on Fitness RX will cause long lasting effects on my confidence levels.

On relationship - I'm still hopelessly single! Can't even get myself to talk to gym boy! If the opportunities arises, I will be scared shitless to talk to him. Anyway, can't see any progress on this front until I accept myself of who I am and which gender I'm attracted too. What is even more scary, is that I'm in my 30s and have not sorted this out yet. I'm sure my friends and colleagues have their suspicions...

I know the above issues are all about ME. and more on ME really but that's ME. I don't have a solution but I guess I have now accept the caused. So that's a start. Over the next couple of days, I need to build the confidence blocks again-literally block by block! And hopefully this base would be a lot stronger than the previous ones.

And for this I'm grateful that I have a good life to thank for! It could be worst but I'm not in that situation. So I need to move my life forward and stop sulking!

posted by Maximus Leo @ 8:00 PM