On Easy Sex
I have been thinking a lot lately on why gay sex is so easy to come by. I mean I should be liberated with sex being so frequent and easy to obtain but in fact I am not. I am just horrified how easy and simple it is. All you need is the crusing eye, a little nudge and voila - you have got it. No strings attached, just simple physical moment. Better still have your profile on one of the dating sites and wow - the number of hits one gets for easy sex. It is simply mine boggling..
Why do we seek this thrill? Because we are guys and therefore nature takes control of our sexual urges? Do straight guys have this easy - apart from visiting whore house and paying for sex? I asked a friend of mine - one of the volunteers at an hospice centre for HIV/AIDS victim on what does it all mean for easy sex. How as volunteers do we keep the spread of HIV/AIDS down? How do we discourage these behavours? But can we? Question - why do we even engaged in these behaviours?
- Is it because gay guys can't be committed and hence won't commit to a mongamous relationship?
- Is it because gay guys had tramautic childhood and this is one of the avenue to release these tensions?
- Is it because we really have low moral values and principles?
- Is it because we can't find love?
- Or is it about choices?
We had a long chat on this topic and me being new to the gay community still can't quite comprehend this whole easy sex behaviour. He appreciated my moral stand on it and encouraged me to hold true to this principle but gave me advice that over time, my thought process will change, will be influenced and be challenged and the likelihood that this principle may not stand. I will be able to accept it as part of the gay community and it is expected of gay guys to sexually have many encounters in their life time. However one word of advice, use condomes to keep the spread of diseases down (not eliminating it).
So my questions -
- Can one be sexually active (ie have various fuck buddies) and yet be a decent guy? Will their moral principles be questioned?
- Does cruising mean that one can't commit to a long term relationship?
- Can someone change their behavious from the past? and if so - how long will this last?
Labels: Moral Values
On Moving In
It is finally done! August 20th was the day that both our homes were merged. His stuff is now at my home. Our home! :-)
My significant other half has finally moved in and we no longer need to shuffle between the two homes! The last 3 months were pretty frentic trying to manage our schedules and our living arrangement.
When I looked back how life has treated me over the last couple of months, I am trully amazed that I am now in a very serious relationship - the rings, the commitment and the love. At one point in time, I was prepared to be single all of my life. Living a life in a closet, living a very emotionaless life. Now I am out and in a relationship. I am happy I made that decision to leave the closet. No more skeletons in the closet.
I use to have an issue with space, my space and now this physical space does not exist anymore for me. His stuff is all over my place and the last few days I had to really allow this feeling of intrusion to sink in. I had to allow my senses to accept that I am now in a realationship and have him in my life and therefore accept him into my personal space. This is REAL. So for now, I call my apartment creative chaos. It is no longer feeling ZEN :=)
Now with the move completed, our real life begins.
The day to day stuff, the quirks, the space issue, the work-he flies frequently, I am home bound, his mess, my mess. Suddenly it has hit the both of us that this is for real and we have to make sure that we work things out. There are no back doors for us.
But you know what the best feeling of this whole move? I or rather we no longer have to worry about buying things enough for two in the household anymore.
Labels: Moments
On Coming out to Parents
I wish there is an easy way of coming out to my parents but currently I am living in so called sin!!! I just could one day walk out of my apartment and strike by lighting. Ok - a bit drastic but this is what I am currently feeling.
In terms of coming out of the closet process, so far I have not been faced with a serious rejection yet. I am sure there would be "others" out there who just can't stand the sight of gays - I have yet to see that amongst my friends and family members. I have so far managed my immediate family, some cousins and really good friends of mine. So far so good! Thank god for that! Now the hardest part - coming out to my mom without hurting her. Is this possible? plus letting her know that I have finally found my significant other and he is a guy. Wow - that would just see her world crashing in! :-( Now that is something I am not sure if I can even experience the process. There is a need for some emotional strength coming from both side to avoid something of an emotional beakdown. My biggest worry and fear for a 65 year old Asian woman is that she cannot accept her eldest son in the family as gay! I am worried that she may not be strong enough. I am worried that she will reject my love. I am worried that I will embaress her in front of all her relatives (yes we come from a big family). I am afraid that she can't accept my significant other half. I am so damn fucking worried!
But then again it has to be done-my significant other half is moving into my place next week. I can't live a life of lies again. For too long I have denied my true self, I have lived a life full of dark secrets, I have a lived a life of fear. Now I have found love, I found the reason to live again and because she is the only parent I have now, she has to know that her son is still her son and my love and respect for her has not changed.
So the question now is how and when? :-(
Oh god please give me the strength!
Labels: Coming Out
On Friends and Foes
I am not sure at what stage I started categorising friends that I can trust and can't trust. Friends that I avoid at all cost of telling them the truth - me being gay. Maybe afterall they are not my so called true friends and somehow they don't or didn't make an impact to my life that I feel that they deserve to know the truth about me. Who knows?
Enough said about my self rigtheous attitude but some how it has kind of define who I want to accept them into my inner circle of trust. Hence the need to know that I am gay but so what if they know that I am gay. Would I have treated them any differently? I don't know the answer to it.
Then there are my new friends who are both straight and gay and now know me from the start of my friendship. Now - that is something refreshing and beautiful that I can't explain in words. It almost feel that I was born again to this world and these people now the real me.
My two cents worth of opinion of being gay today :-)
Labels: Gay
On Birthdays
This time last year - I was in Japan, nearly completing my project work and looking forward to a long holiday and maybe some redundancy money (I was really hoping that the company do not post me back to Singapore for work). When the project was completed - not only I did not get redundancy money, I did not get any real long break from work. I had 2 days off and was back at work the following Monday in a country that I was hoping that I did not come back! :-)
Today - 11 August 2007 is my birthday and yes I am 35 years old now. Recently out gay guy and now in a serious relationship.
Looking back on how things have unfolded over the last 2 decades, it has been an amazing journey for me personally. To finally accept myself as the true person I have lifted a huge burden on me. That doesn't mean I am now free of burdens, I have now different kind of burdens - relationship matters, on moving in, on sharing my space, on not wanting to be controlled, on being loving, giving and authentic, on health matters (HIV and AIDS - is now closer to me than in the past), new friends (gay ones I mean), on gay politics, on being accepted by the wider community - so many considerations, so many stress levels. Where do I start? Sigh.....this life journey just began for me. At least I have started living my own life!
When I woke up today, I felt really great - I have a loving and caring partner (who is travelling for work today and for the next 7 days), a supportive family (except mom who I have not out yet), supportive friends, a sucessful career, a nice apartment in the City, travelled the world and good heatlh. Today I took stock what I have and felt really appreciative and grateful. I was high for the whole day and went out to run at lunch time (crazy considering the weather is 33 C and 90% humidity). Met some friends at the supermarket and bought food for dinner. We were to cook some home made pasta and served it with Italian and Australian wines. Just having my friends here was superb, I felt love and cared, I felt alive and for that moment, I missed my partner and wished he could be here as well and then the rest of the night headed downwards. Just thinking about everything, me coming out and now I am SO GAY (I still see myself in the mirror and go WOW- not bad for a 35 year old dude), unsure about everything, not confident in dealing with mom on me coming out (and my partner is now moving in!! - gosh I am so going to be striked by lighthing for not being honest enough with mom).
Anyway, I guess I should just let my feelings run through and picked it up again tomorrow with a good nights rest.
I just want to say, that life has been great. I have lived every moment for the last 95 days with my partner - always learning new things (both bad and good) and this is the best birthday present I have had for a long long time. I have opened up new possibilities, new relationships (which in turn allow me to understand mysefl better) and to experience love. So Happy Birthday to ME! :-)
Priceless moments
Trip to HK
Redeem airmiles from Singapore Airlines
Free + Airport taxes and surcharges S$128
Travelling back in time in HK
HK$1.70
Eating out at Yung Kei
Famous for its roasted Goose meat. A must to have if you visit HK.
HK$918
Tiffany Rings
Full of abundance and expensive. The moment is priceless......
