Maximus Leo

On Birthdays

This time last year - I was in Japan, nearly completing my project work and looking forward to a long holiday and maybe some redundancy money (I was really hoping that the company do not post me back to Singapore for work). When the project was completed - not only I did not get redundancy money, I did not get any real long break from work. I had 2 days off and was back at work the following Monday in a country that I was hoping that I did not come back! :-)

Today - 11 August 2007 is my birthday and yes I am 35 years old now. Recently out gay guy and now in a serious relationship.

Looking back on how things have unfolded over the last 2 decades, it has been an amazing journey for me personally. To finally accept myself as the true person I have lifted a huge burden on me. That doesn't mean I am now free of burdens, I have now different kind of burdens - relationship matters, on moving in, on sharing my space, on not wanting to be controlled, on being loving, giving and authentic, on health matters (HIV and AIDS - is now closer to me than in the past), new friends (gay ones I mean), on gay politics, on being accepted by the wider community - so many considerations, so many stress levels. Where do I start? Sigh.....this life journey just began for me. At least I have started living my own life!

When I woke up today, I felt really great - I have a loving and caring partner (who is travelling for work today and for the next 7 days), a supportive family (except mom who I have not out yet), supportive friends, a sucessful career, a nice apartment in the City, travelled the world and good heatlh. Today I took stock what I have and felt really appreciative and grateful. I was high for the whole day and went out to run at lunch time (crazy considering the weather is 33 C and 90% humidity). Met some friends at the supermarket and bought food for dinner. We were to cook some home made pasta and served it with Italian and Australian wines. Just having my friends here was superb, I felt love and cared, I felt alive and for that moment, I missed my partner and wished he could be here as well and then the rest of the night headed downwards. Just thinking about everything, me coming out and now I am SO GAY (I still see myself in the mirror and go WOW- not bad for a 35 year old dude), unsure about everything, not confident in dealing with mom on me coming out (and my partner is now moving in!! - gosh I am so going to be striked by lighthing for not being honest enough with mom).

Anyway, I guess I should just let my feelings run through and picked it up again tomorrow with a good nights rest.

I just want to say, that life has been great. I have lived every moment for the last 95 days with my partner - always learning new things (both bad and good) and this is the best birthday present I have had for a long long time. I have opened up new possibilities, new relationships (which in turn allow me to understand mysefl better) and to experience love. So Happy Birthday to ME! :-)

posted by Maximus Leo @ 1:07 AM