Maximus Leo

Hiding in the closet.... Part 2

After a couple of days of reasonable amount of reflection time.....this is the continuation of the reasons of why I can't come out.

Legal Framework - There are no laws yet around Asia that will protect the rights of gays and lesbians although there are a lot of discussion and topics of being gay here. When I say no laws yet, I am pretty hopeful that certain part of Asia, the political gay movement will come around but not in my life time. Anyway, people frowned about homesexuality here but people tend to be more accepting. However I am not sure to what extent though. There are no specific laws about hiring and firing people here. Employers almost have the upper hand in firing people that they don't like. So if people are still not accepting of gays here what are the chances that I will be able to hold a stable job or let alone to grow my career and have a decent amount of money to live on?

Marriage - Does this hold true for gay and lesbian couples or is this a straight think only? Can gays and lesbian maintain a long and lasting relationship like straight couples? I have seen and heard (no personal linkage here) that these relationships do not lasts. What about commitment? Then there are promicious sex amongst gays. Not that I don't necessarily agree but I guess it comes with it. Hence the fragility of gay relationships! Would it be true that gay people tend to stray more than straight people! Or is this just a misnomer? What about starting a family? Will the law makers agree to allow gays and lesbian to adopt kids? What about surrogate parenthood? Will this be allowed? It all boils down to how much money you have and willing to pay for this service?

The gay scene: Not quite sure where I sit on this topic but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. I guess I am just not use to it and hence can't quite accept the whole gay scene! The mardi grass, the so called gay party nights or the club scenes. Where do I fit in? I don't even have a six pack abs to show off or the smooth body and physique! What about the adonis look? The beutiful guys that associate with the gay scene? So what if we are gays? Do we have to fit the profile? The gym freaks? (Don't get me wrong - I am also a gym freak!) The vanity and fashion scene that goes along with being gay.... Do I want to be lumped as one? I don't know..... Then people here ten to associate gay being feminine and cross dressing? But I am not and no where there. I'm now pretty muscular (although not that lean yet) but I am no where there....no where there!!

Childhood - Just today I read an article that when we were once children our minds have pretty much set how we do things and associate our early childhood days with. Little boys tend to play army, soldiers and guns where as the little girls will love to play with their dolls. Well when I was younger, I love playing with my Lego sets and Dolls - yes paper dolls and all sort of dolls. I love playing dress up.... So what does this make me? I never played any army and soldiers but I did not know why then. It just happen..... Now I realised this after reading this article, I now know why I was different and will forever be different. At least it makes more sense now!

I Can't Go Back: Being in the closet is easy to manage society's expectations. But once I am out I can't go back to the closet unless I move to a different country and start my life again. But at 34 it is going to be real difficult. So it is relatively easy to be in the closet and at least I still have the option....

I am not sure being in the closet means being fucked up! Sometimes I do pray to GOD to hear me out - at least help to end all this confusion. I just wish that some one (hopefully my Gym Boy from Tokyo) will come by and sweep me off my feet so that I can come to terms with my life. But I guess I am more fucked up in my mind than ever, Apologies if i have offended any of my readers!

posted by Maximus Leo @ 10:59 PM