Hiding in the closet.... Part 1
I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where I am heading with it. Suddenly everything is at a stand still and I'm just so unmotivated right now. I am constantly thinking and assessing my sexuality. Most of my energy is channelled towards this issue. If I only route this energy into something more productive, I am sure I would be able to lead a very satisfied and fruitful life. As you know, I am still in the closet and only 4 people in this world now about my sexuality. For most of the part - 3 of them do not live in Singapore and the other friend lives here but I hardly talk to her as we are so busy with our work and daily lives....So why not come out? It is not easy as it seems to be and I know that there are a lot of successful gay people out there but for those successful stories, there are also a handful of stories that not so successful. That got me thinking really hard and that is why I am so hesitant to move out of my comfort zone. For I fear failure.....
The reasons for not coming out....
Family - I come from a big family and the social stigma for coming out to the family would be devastating. Being the eldest in the family, it is also expected of me to have kids as well. A whole lot of expectations are laid on me being the eldest. In addition to this, my parents have an extensive circle of friends in my home town. At 34 and still single, I am sure there are questions asked about my bachelor status.....and I know mom is quite keen to get me hooked up!! On the other hand, if they know about my sexualilty I am not sure how mom will face them! I think my immediate family will accept me but I know my brother in law is homophobic - so if he finds out the true me, I could end up being ostracized by him and my neice and nephew won't be able to hang out with me again!
Work - I have lead a very successful career at my work place. What would happen if senior management and colleagues find out? How will they react? Would I still get the same respect that I get now? Can I still be treated the same? See - all these questions become harder to answer as I go down my lists! And to be honest work means a big deal for me as I put my so called productive years in my work in order to grow my career. How would I pick myself up if the rejections are unbeareable? I shudder to even picture myself in this situation. What happens if they fire me? There are no laws here to protect you from unscroupulous employers here....I could be out of a job and would not be able to keep my apartment!!
Denial - sometimes I think that all this is a joke! Someday somehow this beautiful women will come into my life and take my heart along with her. She will forgive me on my short comings. She will shower me with immense love and respect that I decide not to pursue the gay route. I will stay normal and faithful and fit in just right with the main stream society. Denial? Yes - 100% considering that i have not had any chemical attraction to ladies. Yes, I have been out with ladies but never had the so called chemistry. As for guys, if there is one cutie near me or he comes to speak to me, my legs will go soft and my heart smitten by his charm. Yes, i have been there and I so want to be with this guy. So this is denial at the fullest....
There are more excuses.....currently my mind is just tired and I think I had enough of thinking and reflection for the day.
posted by Maximus Leo @ 12:17 AM
3 Comments:
You don’t have to come out neither to your family nor to your colleagues, just don’t give them much space and information of your private life. Keep it for yourself and spend it with people that accept you, so that you can be and act yourself and not play the role of another man. For the beginning just make gay friends in your town. Sexuality is important and deserves attention and energy, or else you’ll face problems in your everyday life, you can’t ignore it. We’re in the same age, so keep in mind that the years that pass can’t come back. I regret for the things that I haven’t done until 29.
I wish you all the best in whatever decision you might make. Of coz, I also wish that you will be happy, this way or that. Wish I can help more.....
Hi, just to say, you are not alone, independently of your decision. Coming out in some cultures is not really advisable. I can picture the family situation (i'm also an eldest), with all the pressure to make children. In your case, it is your "in law" the homophobic ... in mine is my own brother.
I live now far away, once I came out of the closet and had a "steady" relationship for 1.5 y with a guy my age. Now all is over, and I do prefere to keep myself out of the gay circuit, and found other occupations.
Ciao
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