Maximus Leo

Baby Steps

Since I last wrote about why I should not come out, I have actually been introduced to a friend's friend who happens to be gay. I have been in hiding since the new year's - feeling a bit sorry for myself and off course been bogged down with work as well.

Anyway, I had a good chat with this friend of mine who knows that I am a closeted gay. We chatted for a while in the new year and explained the state of my emotional self. Tell you what, it was great just being able to talk to someone about my stuff without feeling the fear or hate for myself. I slowly opened up bit by bit but still can't bring the conversation far enough to feel comfortable but it was definitely a good start. After coffee, we parted and said our good byes. I did not hear from her until the following week.

She happened to know someone who was also gay but trusted this guy to let him know of my journey. She suggested that we should all meet up for a late night cuppa! So we did.... In fact I nearly piked out as I wasn't sure I wanted to talk someone about my most inner secrets - face to face in a cafe, let alone to a stranger!! Anyway, at the 11th hour, I told myself, if I did not do this for myself, I will never be at ease with my closet condition. So I gather what ever strength I had on the day and met them for a good hour. Gosh! was I tired after the emotional session......

It was a great conversation - I knew someone who was really at ease with himself being gay. In fact he just came out about 4 years ago and so pretty new to the whole journey which I could associate with. So we talked - at first a bit uncomfortable and then a flood of discussions and questions... What a relief!

Somehow after the conversation, I was more at peace with myself and guess what??? I got hit in the gym that week as well!! :-) Well he was pretty direct and he came up to me at the gym and asked for my phone number. Okay may be I have exaggerated a bit but we have spoken only once before - and that was about 8 months ago!! Boy he still remembered my name. So I gave him my number and left that as it is. I am not sure if I will call him but we wil see.....

I met up with my new so called "counsellor" again on Sunday for a Chinese Brunch and chatted amongst the busy and talkative crowd....Again more questions and answers. I somehow felt at ease talking to him and slowly tried to make sense of this journey. I realised that I have used so much of my energy surpressing myself for being gay that I have forgotten to live. In fact emotionally I have been really numbed for nearly a decade!! (or even longer). And to top it off for the day he commented that I was really attractive and I was out in the gay community I would be a good catch!! LOL :-) Now that was something that I did not expect or even see myself as attractive. I guess it is beauty to the eye of the beholder.

Tell you what I am now more consious of myself and how I dress now.... hehehhe

Labels: Closet

posted by Maximus Leo @ 11:01 PM