My 100th Blog
I could have easily hit my 100th blog a couple of days ago but have been totally zonked out at work with the project deadlines just around the corner. I have been also trying to jugle my gym, running routine in the effort to keep trim and to read my favourite blogs plus to squeeze in enough sleeping time. But as you know, something has to give way and it has been writing and reading blogs and off course my beauty sleep! So today, I'm totally D.E.A.D and stress levels just hit another note today!Anyway, I wanted to write something meaningful and have taken some time to go thorugh my complex mind in order to extract the issues that concern me the most! I don't particularly articulate my thoughts that clearly and considering that I'm only an accountant, I would definitely not leave my current job to do any serious writing at all!
I started out this blog 6 months ago just to put my thoughts and feelings on something since I have been in the confusion zone for so long. I hope that by venting some of my confusion and mixed thoughst onto a third channel, I would be able to relieve some pressure from my daily life and seek some clarity to all these issues.
Well, how has my blog help me make sense? I have asked these questions many times over and over and to be brutally honest, I don't really know. However, I can tell you that:
- I'm still lost and confused.
- I'm still no where near a relationship.
- I'm no way near fixing the gay issue.
- I'm no way near venturing into the unknown.
- I'm no way near accepting myself.
- I'm no way near achieving my body fat of 15% or less.
- I'm no way near figuring out my future...
- I'm still way too scared to move out of this zone
Sounds pretty depressing right? But blogging allows me to do this anyway.
I've also found a new world in blogging, managed to read about other people's lives as well. Doesn't matter where you are in this world - Dubai, Malaysia, Japan, the US, UK, India - if you take the colour, sex, religion, political affiniation out, we are really all human beings in this very small world. And somehow through the world of internet, we are connected. We somehow share the same issues, same thoughs (most of the time), laughs, joys and sadness. These thoughts are so private and touching and we can keep all this pretty anonymously. I appreciate this frankness in their thoughts... SO in a way, I now know that I'm not the only one with these issues to live with/by. It gives me a some sort of refuge to know that there are others out there - so all is not rosy and happy.... but it doesn't necessarily help me chart the future as well.
I've been in Japan now for almost 6 months. Time has flown by so fast - it only feels that winter was just a month ago. Have i grown to a better person here? Have I done things differently from my life in Singapore, New Zealand, Malayisa or the UK? Have I gone out of my confort zone? I guess the answer is NO. I have certainly done a lot of things here in Tokyo - mostly residential tourist stuff, the weekend trips here and there, exploring Tokyo, getting pissed fit, walking back home late at night at 110% drunk...and picking up Japanese as my third language.
Where do I want to see myself in 6 months time - survive the project! Not to work so late and do what I can do and leave everything to the hands of GOD and LADY LUCK of course. I would definitely like to meet more "brokeback" people in Tokyo (not sure how if i'm working so hard at work!) so that it will give me some guidance :-) I'm hanging out way too much with straight people and couples and they make me sick with jeolousy and envy.
Once in awhile, I believe we need to take some time out and step back and see how life is treating us? Are we happy with the pace of our lives? Are we happy that we are going where we're suppose to go? ....and I will be asking these questions over the next couple of weeks....
posted by Maximus Leo @ 10:42 PM
6 Comments:
Happy 100th.
Make sure you don't work too hard. otherwise, you would get a clot like myself. :-) It sounds like you have a lot of things that you would like to achieve. That's great. But going with the flow without any plan is sometimes nice, too. just my two cents. Relax and enjoy the rainy season which is about to start in a day or two. :-)
This was a good, reflective post...nice to get a recap of where you've been. Can't wait to read more on where you are going and how you plan to get there.
Shigeki brings up a good point. Sometimes you have to let go to get what you want and stop fighting so much.
Dear Maximus,
Happy 100th post! I just clocked in my 50th.
Hugs from a fan in India,
Wild Reeds
Shigeki - thanks for the advice...I've been contemplating to do that as well...ie go with the flow but being a career and task oriented person...it's difficult to let go without a plan. Having said that....may consider this option! Yes-it's the rainy season soon! Hopefully it won't be too muggy!
Rick - thanks! Will definitely track my goals over the next 6 months! Will try to let go but it's going to be hard! :-)
Wild reeds - and Rodin - the great thinker! Thanks.... Hope to last another 100 blogs! :-)
admitting where you realistically are and where you want to go (articulating goals) is a good step in the right direction. More than some I'd venture!
JJD - Thanks for dropping by and yes - always a good start to list things down and somehow they will appear realistic if not re-adjust again! Such is life eh?
Harvey - if time was on my side I don't have an issue but I'm just a closeted case - 100%. So not sure how to bring this percentage down so that I can be gay and am happy about it. Cest la vie!
Targeting my 200th blog! See if I reach there...in the next 6 months!
Bart - thanks! always good to lay low and enjoy oneself. It helps to get some clarity!
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