Maximus Leo

No longer writing

2008-03-09T22:30:00.002+08:00

It's been almost 3 months since I last wrote my blog and since then realised that there is no need to keep it updated. I have been very focused in making this relationship work that I have decided to spend the time working and loving my partner instead. This will give me time to work through this relationship and decide what I want to share with this blog.

I will continue to read your blogs and have thoroughly enjoyed doing so for the last 24 months.

Thanks for visiting my blog and if you want to write to me, please feel free to do so at ianwong11@gmail.com

Over and out....for now! :-)

December 28

2007-12-28T23:00:00.000+08:00

I had a very simple day today. Nothing unusual. Just another ordinary day for an ordinary gay man. What a nice ending for the last week of 2007. Nothing loud nor superficial. Just a quiet end to 2007.

I decided that I would like to take these last few days of the year to take stock of what I have created and not created. What I have achieved and not achieved and what needs to be done for 2008. More importantly, being gay and being happy inside is what I have been searching for the last decade. Now coming back to reality (which comes from my training as an accountant) there are some more questions to ask......

Am I at peace with myself?

Am I trully comfortable being gay now?

Am I ready to take on the world and seek new challenges?

Am I .....am I......am I.

...... maybe I should not be thinking too hard and let the heart do the talking again....

It's been a long time

2007-12-28T00:29:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas.....

Wow - just another month has gone by and with this the end of the year is just around the corner now.

I have been really slack in updating this blog. No excuse but just lacking the will to write and sharing the most intimate part of my life.

What's new is that I am now more comfortable being gay and loving the man of my life. Every single moment is treasured and cherished.

Thank you for your comments and feedback on my last couple of entries. My apologies if I have not visited your blog to return your comments.

The final piece....

2007-11-30T00:22:00.000+08:00

It is done.

I finally decided it is now or never.

I made the decision to fly back home to my mom 2 week ends ago.

.....and I came out to her. She is still talking to me but very cordial.....not unexpected behaviour.

I feel that I am now not living a lie. Living with my partner.

I am finally out to my entire immediate family and close friends.

and a time to take note the love and support that I have been given to me by my circle of friends and my siblings

and to give my mom a chance to accept me whole heartedly, Most importantly, be patient and understanding of her.

It is now the time to move on with my life....

Catch Up

2007-11-26T22:11:00.000+08:00

Wow I didn't realised how long has it been since I last blog until I logged in today. It's been nearly a month! :-)

So my apologies for not writing earlier! Wondering how life has been for me? Well - since I got back from US, life has been pretty full on! Events after one another - it just kept rolling and rolling. Somehow life didn't want me to stop and consolidate. It just went on and on and on.....until I decided that I needed a break from the fast pace lifestyle! I thought I better take extra care here as I am no longer the stallion going at 100 km/h.

The first week I got back from US - a very good friend of mine went missing. To cut the story short, he tried committing suicide the day before I got back home. I only come to realise it when his girl friend went into his room and saw notes placed on items that he wanted to distribute after he's gone. Only then it sunk in! I should have reported him missing the day before after his girl friend raised the alarm. I simply shrug it off!

We quickly went to the police station and reported him missing. After 10 minutes of intense questioning and the relentless calls made around the Hospitals, we finally found him. He was found at the beach incoherent from an overdose of sleeping pills and a bottle of liquor on him. Some guardian angel checked him in into the emergency ward. We raised to the hospital, found him resting and relieved. I was so relieved that I broke down and cried.

I cried for the fact that he was alive and I didn't have to find a dead body.

I cried because I should have come to his rescue earlier on but didn't think he was suicidal. All those regrets.

I cried because he as a friend that I treasure most.....

So the ordeal thought me something about depression - never underestimate the "situation" and to look out for suicidal signs. And never to shrug anyone with any suicidal thoughts.....

Mexico City

2007-10-27T02:47:00.000+08:00

I have been missing in action for the last couple of weeks! No specific reason except for the usual excuses - busy and not enough time!

Anyway, just want to let you know that I am still alive and have been travelling for work over the last few days! Been away from my partner for the last 10 days and I must say it's been the longest we have been apart. All in I managed to see him one day for the last 16 days! That day was memorable :-) indeed! Simply hot passionate sex the whole day! hahahahah

Well, my work trip is coming to an end. I am at the Mexicana Business Lounge in Mexico City waiting for my flight to LA and then connecting the SQ flight back to Singapore. I thought I better update my blog! More pictures to come over the next couple of days! If I get my act together!

Ok - I have to run now. Enjoyed my last mexican coffee! I am a simple guy!

Adious Amigos

On mindless thoughts!

2007-10-06T00:03:00.000+08:00

Just writing about something that may not make any sense but it just mindless thoughts that occupies me when I have had bit too much to drink on a Friday night! To me this is a period of cooling down, get my body to breakdown the alcohol, drink more water in between and enjoy the cool air from the AC. Today is a freaking hot day in Singapore!

On average guys think about sex every 8s, I believe it is more so for gay guys? Correct me if I am wrong! :-) Does this mean that we do not have anything else to look for in life other than to surf porn, watch more porn, publish our profile on the net to get hook for sex and just think about sex (No wonder the straight community are so worried about us because all we think is about sex!) What happens when we reach middle age and beyond? What do we look for? Love and companionship? Would that be too late? Or nothing is too late?

Which brings me to my next mindless thoughts - promiscuity. Is this an intrinsic part of us human beings or more true for guys (gay or straight)? Is this a behaviour that one can change if we get into a serious relationship or is this a short term abstention? Only that the temptation of sex will kill the relationship? Which leads to my next question - if one is promiscuous - are one be a good guy? Can one still have valid morals that one can impart?

Why I post this question here is just the other day, my volunteer buddy mentioned to me that he knows of a cute doctor that practices a promiscuous lifestyle. During his day - he works the rounds, look after his patients and care for them but he is just promiscuous. So is he good guy that an ordinary folk can look up to? Anyway the doctor didn't think that he was a good guy!

And my last question for the night, is open relationship the way to go for a gay relationship then or is there a fallacy behind this relationship? Monagamous or open? What do we search for? Can love and respect co-exist in this kind of relationship?

Your thoughts.....

HIV and Diabetes

2007-09-25T22:32:00.000+08:00

I don't think I ever mentioned this on my blog but I volunteer at a local hospice every Tuesday evening caring and looking after HIV / AIDS patients. I have been volunteering for the last couple of months now and everytime I visit the hospice I hope and wish not to see the patients that I tend to the previous week. In most cases they would have been discharged and sent home which means that they will live but in some other cases, their condition deteriorates!

Today we had a couple of new patients and there were two very young guys. They appear to be recently out of school - which is relatively young for them to be infected by HIV but then again, HIV see no boundaries, race, age, religion, gender and socio economic conditions. I didn't get to speak to thm but my other colleagues did. I felt sorry for them but then again, I could be like them if I had made one wrong mistake in my sexual activities. I said a silent prayer for them for I wish them good health for many years to come. To be able to see and feel the world! Be able to be accepted by people in the general community.

So I still don't understand the risk people take just to have casual partners, fuck buddies, open relationships to satisfied their sexual needs. I read a article recently that some people have likend the idea that being infected by HIV is like having diabetics. Yeah right! Come on get a life. Be responsible. After having contact with HIV patients, I think not. Ask them if they prefer to have diabetics or HIV?

On Adjusting

2007-09-03T23:12:00.000+08:00

I am trying to put some normalancy into my daily life right now. Can be quite hard and daunting that I am still new at this love game. So far approximately 4 months and going strong. The love and the care of my partner grows everyday. I mean there are days that are just bad but most days are good. I guess I need to deal with the relationship one day at a time. Just trying to enjoy the moments together without letting my overanalysing brain cells going for an overdrive. It does do that to me from time to time when I try to out guess my partner and his intentions! :-) I guess this is part of having each other in our private space and being 100% honest with each other as well.

The moving is is now completed. His stuff is still lying around my area and surprisingly I have been really calm and acceptable. In most cases, I would have flipped to see things lying around as I tend to have this neat freak genes in me. Almost freakish I must say but I have managed this for the last couple of years since living on my own. My apartment use to have the ZEN feel and look BUT now it is chaotic and VERY lived in. I guess the love portion does wonders but not sure how long this will last before my neat genes kick in again.

On Easy Sex

2007-08-29T23:31:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately on why gay sex is so easy to come by. I mean I should be liberated with sex being so frequent and easy to obtain but in fact I am not. I am just horrified how easy and simple it is. All you need is the crusing eye, a little nudge and voila - you have got it. No strings attached, just simple physical moment. Better still have your profile on one of the dating sites and wow - the number of hits one gets for easy sex. It is simply mine boggling..

Why do we seek this thrill? Because we are guys and therefore nature takes control of our sexual urges? Do straight guys have this easy - apart from visiting whore house and paying for sex? I asked a friend of mine - one of the volunteers at an hospice centre for HIV/AIDS victim on what does it all mean for easy sex. How as volunteers do we keep the spread of HIV/AIDS down? How do we discourage these behavours? But can we? Question - why do we even engaged in these behaviours?

- Is it because gay guys can't be committed and hence won't commit to a mongamous relationship?
- Is it because gay guys had tramautic childhood and this is one of the avenue to release these tensions?
- Is it because we really have low moral values and principles?
- Is it because we can't find love?
- Or is it about choices?

We had a long chat on this topic and me being new to the gay community still can't quite comprehend this whole easy sex behaviour. He appreciated my moral stand on it and encouraged me to hold true to this principle but gave me advice that over time, my thought process will change, will be influenced and be challenged and the likelihood that this principle may not stand. I will be able to accept it as part of the gay community and it is expected of gay guys to sexually have many encounters in their life time. However one word of advice, use condomes to keep the spread of diseases down (not eliminating it).

So my questions -
- Can one be sexually active (ie have various fuck buddies) and yet be a decent guy? Will their moral principles be questioned?
- Does cruising mean that one can't commit to a long term relationship?
- Can someone change their behavious from the past? and if so - how long will this last?

On Moving In

2007-08-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

It is finally done! August 20th was the day that both our homes were merged. His stuff is now at my home. Our home! :-)

My significant other half has finally moved in and we no longer need to shuffle between the two homes! The last 3 months were pretty frentic trying to manage our schedules and our living arrangement.

When I looked back how life has treated me over the last couple of months, I am trully amazed that I am now in a very serious relationship - the rings, the commitment and the love. At one point in time, I was prepared to be single all of my life. Living a life in a closet, living a very emotionaless life. Now I am out and in a relationship. I am happy I made that decision to leave the closet. No more skeletons in the closet.

I use to have an issue with space, my space and now this physical space does not exist anymore for me. His stuff is all over my place and the last few days I had to really allow this feeling of intrusion to sink in. I had to allow my senses to accept that I am now in a realationship and have him in my life and therefore accept him into my personal space. This is REAL. So for now, I call my apartment creative chaos. It is no longer feeling ZEN :=)

Now with the move completed, our real life begins.

The day to day stuff, the quirks, the space issue, the work-he flies frequently, I am home bound, his mess, my mess. Suddenly it has hit the both of us that this is for real and we have to make sure that we work things out. There are no back doors for us.

But you know what the best feeling of this whole move? I or rather we no longer have to worry about buying things enough for two in the household anymore.

On Coming out to Parents

2007-08-16T00:38:00.000+08:00

I wish there is an easy way of coming out to my parents but currently I am living in so called sin!!! I just could one day walk out of my apartment and strike by lighting. Ok - a bit drastic but this is what I am currently feeling.

In terms of coming out of the closet process, so far I have not been faced with a serious rejection yet. I am sure there would be "others" out there who just can't stand the sight of gays - I have yet to see that amongst my friends and family members. I have so far managed my immediate family, some cousins and really good friends of mine. So far so good! Thank god for that! Now the hardest part - coming out to my mom without hurting her. Is this possible? plus letting her know that I have finally found my significant other and he is a guy. Wow - that would just see her world crashing in! :-( Now that is something I am not sure if I can even experience the process. There is a need for some emotional strength coming from both side to avoid something of an emotional beakdown. My biggest worry and fear for a 65 year old Asian woman is that she cannot accept her eldest son in the family as gay! I am worried that she may not be strong enough. I am worried that she will reject my love. I am worried that I will embaress her in front of all her relatives (yes we come from a big family). I am afraid that she can't accept my significant other half. I am so damn fucking worried!

But then again it has to be done-my significant other half is moving into my place next week. I can't live a life of lies again. For too long I have denied my true self, I have lived a life full of dark secrets, I have a lived a life of fear. Now I have found love, I found the reason to live again and because she is the only parent I have now, she has to know that her son is still her son and my love and respect for her has not changed.

So the question now is how and when? :-(

Oh god please give me the strength!

On Friends and Foes

2007-08-14T22:06:00.000+08:00

I am not sure at what stage I started categorising friends that I can trust and can't trust. Friends that I avoid at all cost of telling them the truth - me being gay. Maybe afterall they are not my so called true friends and somehow they don't or didn't make an impact to my life that I feel that they deserve to know the truth about me. Who knows?

Enough said about my self rigtheous attitude but some how it has kind of define who I want to accept them into my inner circle of trust. Hence the need to know that I am gay but so what if they know that I am gay. Would I have treated them any differently? I don't know the answer to it.

Then there are my new friends who are both straight and gay and now know me from the start of my friendship. Now - that is something refreshing and beautiful that I can't explain in words. It almost feel that I was born again to this world and these people now the real me.

My two cents worth of opinion of being gay today :-)

On Birthdays

2007-08-12T01:07:00.000+08:00

This time last year - I was in Japan, nearly completing my project work and looking forward to a long holiday and maybe some redundancy money (I was really hoping that the company do not post me back to Singapore for work). When the project was completed - not only I did not get redundancy money, I did not get any real long break from work. I had 2 days off and was back at work the following Monday in a country that I was hoping that I did not come back! :-)

Today - 11 August 2007 is my birthday and yes I am 35 years old now. Recently out gay guy and now in a serious relationship.

Looking back on how things have unfolded over the last 2 decades, it has been an amazing journey for me personally. To finally accept myself as the true person I have lifted a huge burden on me. That doesn't mean I am now free of burdens, I have now different kind of burdens - relationship matters, on moving in, on sharing my space, on not wanting to be controlled, on being loving, giving and authentic, on health matters (HIV and AIDS - is now closer to me than in the past), new friends (gay ones I mean), on gay politics, on being accepted by the wider community - so many considerations, so many stress levels. Where do I start? Sigh.....this life journey just began for me. At least I have started living my own life!

When I woke up today, I felt really great - I have a loving and caring partner (who is travelling for work today and for the next 7 days), a supportive family (except mom who I have not out yet), supportive friends, a sucessful career, a nice apartment in the City, travelled the world and good heatlh. Today I took stock what I have and felt really appreciative and grateful. I was high for the whole day and went out to run at lunch time (crazy considering the weather is 33 C and 90% humidity). Met some friends at the supermarket and bought food for dinner. We were to cook some home made pasta and served it with Italian and Australian wines. Just having my friends here was superb, I felt love and cared, I felt alive and for that moment, I missed my partner and wished he could be here as well and then the rest of the night headed downwards. Just thinking about everything, me coming out and now I am SO GAY (I still see myself in the mirror and go WOW- not bad for a 35 year old dude), unsure about everything, not confident in dealing with mom on me coming out (and my partner is now moving in!! - gosh I am so going to be striked by lighthing for not being honest enough with mom).

Anyway, I guess I should just let my feelings run through and picked it up again tomorrow with a good nights rest.

I just want to say, that life has been great. I have lived every moment for the last 95 days with my partner - always learning new things (both bad and good) and this is the best birthday present I have had for a long long time. I have opened up new possibilities, new relationships (which in turn allow me to understand mysefl better) and to experience love. So Happy Birthday to ME! :-)

Priceless moments

2007-08-10T23:49:00.000+08:00

Trip to HK
Redeem airmiles from Singapore Airlines
Free + Airport taxes and surcharges S$128

Travelling back in time in HK
HK$1.70

Eating out at Yung Kei
Famous for its roasted Goose meat. A must to have if you visit HK.
HK$918

Tiffany Rings
Full of abundance and expensive. The moment is priceless......

On Execution.

2007-07-18T22:14:00.000+08:00

It is 69 days since we have been together....

.... 4 romantic dates together
.....1 Bath moment together
.....2 Shower moments together
.....1 Tiffany moment together (am still waiting for the ring though!)
.....2 love pads to manage!
.....countless nights together
.....and now we have a joint account for household expenses! Priceless moments.

Sometimes I get confused as to whether I call him by boy friend or partner or significant other half, my husband, my lover? But he is my Cassey....my heart has been given to him. Safely kept by my Cassey - cared and nurtured by him!

Wow - 69 days and we are still going on strong with our relationship. I like it that both of us somehow managed to work around our schedules with precision - if there are any interferences, we dropped some of the activities and look at what is most important. The surgical execution of logistics - just scares the shit out of me. We somehow worked really well on this. Almost too mechanical and the best of these moments are that we can now read each other pretty well (at least on his part....I'm still the novice and have to ask him several questions before I get to him)

On our first Honeymoon...

2007-07-07T01:51:00.000+08:00

It was beautiful...

It was excitement....

It was real.....

It was emotional.....

It was special......

It was refreshing.....

and now I understand what is love, care and relationship about!

and to feel all the above emotions in about 7 weeks into our relationship whilst in Auckland, New Zealand. If this was only for 2 days!! It was a definitely a worthwhile trip.

What more can I ask? ....

On Coming Out to the Family

2007-07-05T00:36:00.000+08:00

I crossed another mile stone lately! I thought I was going to be slaughtered and rejected and ridiculed BUT I got none of this. Phew!

I was in KL two weekends ago and came out to my Brother and Sister in law who was so pregnant. Both of them were very cool about it (they have two gay best friends). In fact my sister in law was so happy for me that I nearly chocked. It was really great to see unconditional support from my brother and sister in law. I finally somehow clicked to them and it was a very satisfied experience.

Then after KL, I flew down to Auckland (NZ) - another 10 hours of flight on coach. Thankfully the flight wasn't full and I managed to secure all three seats to myself. Feeling rather blissful and blessed! My boyfriend flew down earlier for work and we have arranged to meet up down under for a couple of days. (My colleagues at work couldn't believe that I was flying down to NZ for 5 days only). I explained to them that I need some time off and wanted to spend time with the family which I did. So arrived on Monday afternoon, got picked up by my youngest brother. My sister joined us later at a Dim Sum restaurant. After some catching up and the apparent lack of enthusiasm of female relationships, my sister made a passing remark that she hopes that I wasn't going with a guy. I paused and processed the information and blirted out that I am actually seeing a guy and not a girl. Wow! My sister flipped and she couldn't believe what I told her. I then turned to my brother and he was apparently shocked. After a couple of seconds of silence, I told them that nothing has changed personally for me. THe difference is now that I have embraced and accepted myself. I finally can accept myself as a confident gay guy! My brother finally got it but my sister went through a process of analysing the whole situation till she could not sleep for the night.

Eventually my boyfriend and I meet up with my younger brother and my sister in law for dinner at this cozy little bar selling muscles and french fries to die off. These guys hit on pretty well and I was pleased that they gotten along fine. As for my sister, I introduced my boyfriend to her the next day. I guess she finally accepted me and she now knows what I had to do go through to get here today.

I am so blessed for the support my siblings and my sister in laws have given to me. I can't ask for more. Now - I have to come up to my mom which is going to be really difficult. I am praying to GOD on a daily basis to give me the strength and courage to tell the truth. I want to move my relationship to the next level of commitment - ie living together. I need this arrangement to ensure our relationship is anchored to something solid - 100% commitment to make this relationship work. I am here for the long haul!

I never believed.....

2007-06-02T00:54:00.002+08:00

It's been almost 2 weeks since I last blog. I was talking to my friend this evening at my place and she mentioned that I only blog when I am miserable, lost, angry or confused. The happy blogs I had was the last couple of blogs. They have been very erratic and inconsistent in terms of writing and my emotions. I know have to write more and appreciate that I am still very much in love.

Anyway.....

I never believed in love for such a long time.
I never believed I could get out of my comfort zone and embraced myself.
I never believed I could fall in love in such a short time and give my heart away.
I never believed I could get a boy friend and him now being a significant other half within a couple of days.
I never believed I could let go my heart when he is travelling (I miss him so much!)
I never believed I could be beaming with love when I am with him.
I never believed in myself.

How things have changed since the beginning of May. When you least expect it, it will hit you hard. So far I am letting the heart go with it (but sometimes I have these little voices that take control of my inner thoughts-scary if I allow them to control me. I know have to manage them and if I have to discuss my little voices with my significant other half. At least is out in the open). If I can described the feeling - it was like a gush of wind that blew me away towards HIM and our hearts are now joined together (I think - :-) ) and now I am committed to HIM.

My stock list of events that have occured....

- 2 dates.
- 2 long business trips and 2 short ones.
- equal nights at my place and his place.
- countless text messages and emails.
- Hefty phone bills.
- Plenty of honest and open discussions
- Sex? Hmmm..... well a couple of times now.
- Hickeys - 3 to date and I am so embarrassed at work now! :-)
- Sent him off to the airport (2 x)
- Picked him from the airport - once.
- Picked him up from classes - twice
- My stuff at his place and his stuff at my place..... Sweet....:-)
- Countless exchange of gifts (more from his side....he is such a romantic lover)
- Bath/Shower (once)
- More to come.....

I now believe in myself and I;m capable of love as well. I now know how far I can fly and reach for the skies....my relationship with HIM is evidence that there is such thing as love at first sight. In the mean time I am letting my heart take charge. I am firmly a believer of faith and trust. If I didn;t have these, I wouldn't be describing these feelings.

Here is my dedication to my significant other half. Thank you for being a part of my life now.

Over and out.

Amazing Week

2007-05-18T00:59:00.000+08:00

My apologies for not visiting your blogs or even bother to tell you what has happen to me.

Since my date with HIM last week, it has just taken off from that juncture. It has gone so fast that I don't understand some parts of my emotions and being. All I know it feels good to hug him, it feels save to be with him, it just feels right now. And if I don't text him, or speak to him, I know I will be missing him so badly.

He has been on a business trip for the last few days. The distance has allowed us to assess our relationship and it has given us the space as well to decide what we want next. Lots of long distance calls, text messages and emails. It feels he has not left me at all. My heart is with him and his heart with me. For the moment it is JUST right and I like this feeling :-)

Funny, after this week, I have stopped surfing porn, I have stop checking guys (okay-a little) and have also stopped feeling sorry for being gay. All I know is that I want this relationship to be brought to the next level. He is willing to play and I'm aslo willing to lay my cards on the table. I am now letting trust and faith take this relationship to a higher level and I pray and Hope that this is the right decision for the time being. I can't bear to loose him.......and being so independent and alone for the last 20 years doesn't help either. We could both self destruct this relationship before it even started.....

For now, I am not going to think too hard. I am just going to let my heart go with the flow and with his heart, I hope we both can find the right mix that we have been searching for so long and yes finally i can tell myself I so DESERVE this feeling. Thank you GOD , Thank you UNIVERSE.

34 year old virgin

2007-05-11T01:48:00.000+08:00

Today was the Date and I survived it! :-)

And I just love the experience! We talked and talked and then went to watch Spiderman which was a bit disappointed but heh we had good moments! :-) I actually clapsed a guys hand for the first time and it felt so safe and right. We were fondling in the dark as well :-) And I was once felt the real me. I know I took so much risk just to be present and enjoy the moment with him and I sure did. I wasn't sure whether he would respond? I wasn't sure whether he was attracted to me? (other wise he would not have flirt with me over the text messages) or held hands together? I mean if you are not attracted, you won't even go there right???

After the movie we walked home and I invited him over to my apartment. I wanted him to know me as a real person and not some 34 year old self righteous virgin. Again we talked and talked throughout the night (well not too late anyway) and there were some intimate moments. Then and there we decided we should stop what we were doing. He left soon after that..... yes there was a possibility of sex but I did not want it because I did not want this relationship to turn sour if it did not work out.

I am actually falling for him! I need to get my head and emotions checked in again!

PS - He was so sweet that he gave me a small little pot of flowers..... :-) My first real date in a LONG LONG time.

The Roller Coaster Week

2007-05-10T00:09:00.000+08:00

Don't know where to start but this week was pretty hectic for me. Sure I did a lot of stuff, felt really good and thrilled that I have managed it and now paying a physical price of being so Freaking tired but mentally challenged. I never think I could go all the way but I did. So I am purely surviving on adrenaline right now.

Last Saturday, pretty much started off with Dragon Boat team event in the early Saturday morning. Then later in the afternoon, we were at the beach buidling sand castles. That was the best 2 hours of the day. The experience was so pure - just building blocks of castles from sand and with my bear hands. My mind was blank and so focus on the experience and behind this the sea waves beating against the shore and with that I could feel the sea breeze gushing by me. What an experience?? :-)

Then on Sunday, I met this guy at a DO and since then we have been messenging each other. His gaydar immediately picked me up....and the rest has been history! Anyway, I am meeting him tomorrow for our first "date" :-) well not exactly a first date but we are just catching a movie. Nothing serious but boy my heart has been beating so fast since Sunday. It is an experience that I have not had for a long time! :-) Not sure if this is real or what or whether this will last but right now I am so afraid that I will fall and there it goes again - another broken heart. My friend ask me what is my intention - and to be honest I just want a partner and I want to be loved. So we will see how it goes.

So the week has been a roller coaster ride - and just yesterday I volunteered at this hospice looking after HIV patients! Yes - I was there and it felt really good. I mean I was alive and did not feel scared after a while and I even did some massaging. Now this was an experience for me that I could not have learnt better. It just so sad to see people being ostracised by their friends and family and yet so happy for them because they have the yield to leave. Every single moments of their lives is now presious - it is a blessing, even walking is a blessing and to hear the rain drops, it means that they are alive. So simple but yet so powerful. What I learned that day was just amazing. Life is trully simple...and be appreciative of what we have right now and leave life to the fullest.

Not feeling it.

2007-05-03T23:31:00.000+08:00

Another tired day! Not sure what the fuck I am doing this leadership program for? I still haven't felt the change or shift in me! Am I suppose to feel elevated? Am I suppose to feel free? Why am I so feeling trapped? Why I am feeling so drained and disappointed?

I am so counting down the day I leave this program..... or should I quit and get out of it before it takes so much of my energy. Sigh...

Is it about 70 days to go.....

About contracts and mission

2007-05-01T19:45:00.000+08:00

I have not been blogging since getting involved in a leadership course for the last 3 weeks. It has been busy busy busy from the day I signed up plus travelling to Jakarta and Manila last week for work. Hence the very very quite me but if you have been reading my blog I have also changed the description box (on the right hand corner). Let's talk about this course first.

The entire course (can't mention the name here) has created awareness, appreciation, compelling desire to move on and to succeed in what ever I chose to do - be it relationships, career or investment. I'm also more aware of my relationship with time and that means that there is no time for hesitation and procrastination. It is all about creating value and generating positive outcomes in every possible opportunity. Sounds crazy and brain washed eh? But it all makes sense....

Anyway coming back to what I am now more aware off myself. The little box use to read - Closeted Case and Confused and trying to find my purpose in life. Now it reads - "I am an honest and brave gay man and am living the life that I so desire. Simple yet complex. Ambitious yet contented. Competitive in nature yet easy going. My life is a mosaic of my environment. This is ME, this is my life journey" This is my personal contract and my mission to live my life to the fullest (if I don't get dragged down with the emotional ups and downs)

Whether I am certain about this journey now - there will be certainly ups and downs. rejections/hurt and out right pain. I see this is what I am lacking - lacking the emotions to let myself feel hurt and feel like a human again. For so long I have forgotten to allow myself to feel love and be love. For a long time I have always doubted myself and my capabilities at work or with my personal life. I believe it is time to rectify this and be HUMAN again. And if one never takes risks - there are no rewards - just a very stagnant and uninteresting life.

So who is with me on this journey?

What does it say about me?

2007-04-26T01:07:00.000+08:00

MySpaceFunSurvey.net - Fun Quizzes and Surveys!

More than likely...: You're Bi-Curious!
Take this quiz at MySpaceFunSurvey.net

True or false - I had to take this test.

Bi curious - maybe but not for the time being. Am happy with myself being gay :-0

Ooh....I can even say the word gay without the pain resonating from my stomach.

Still alive and kicking

2007-04-22T01:28:00.000+08:00

Just to let you guys know that I am still alive and kicking! I have just been so busy with my life that I do not have time to sleep nor shit!

I am going through a leadership program and it has been really intensive from an emotional perspective and not to forget time commitment, let alone your own personal goals.

I will be back in due course once I manage to reprioritise my activities and events.

Later

Good Friday

2007-04-05T23:30:00.000+08:00

It's Thursday night and because I'm not a Christian/Catholic, this weekend for me is just a nice break from everything and I am at home watching Prison Break - Season 2 on DVD. No alchohol, no partying and no spending my hard earned money. It has been a hectic 3 weeks and I just wanted to stay at home and do nothing. Watching Wentworth Miller is definite dessert for me but getting a bit annoyed with the plots. It is too nerve wrecking.... don't think I can survive till season 3!

Another reason to stay at home is the weather! It has been stinking hot in Singapore for the last couple of days. Walking out of my apartment and it is like a sauna out there. I wish I was back in Japan where I could enjoy the 3 seasons of the year (except the Japanese summer - it is so freaking HOT), ogle at good looking and fashionable Japanese guys with flawless skin and surf porn at amazing broadband speed. LOL......

Happy Easter!

Fragrant Harbour and Rugby

2007-04-03T23:30:00.000+08:00

Thanks for all the comments and support that you have posted here especially about me coming out. Somehow it got a bit easier when I told another friend of mine in HK. All he could say was ARE YOU SURE that you're GAY? And I replied what do you mean by that? He went on to say that I don't display any GAY characteristics and asked once again that whether I am sure. I asked him to describe what are gay characteristics....but he could not answer my question. He indicated that he respect my decision and will keep this to himself!!

I tried to reason with him and told him straight to the face that if I so happen to see a bikini clad women walking by - I won't even feel it down there but if I hunk walked past me, I get really "excited". That kept him quiet for a while!! :-) And I went on to ask him about guys kissing. He said it is wierd but I told him, that is beautiful. I asked him to get Brokeback Mountain out and see if the gay theme resonate with him. Left it there and I hope we are still friends. To come and think about it - he could be a closet homophobic but he has to deal with it and not me.

So here was I in Hong Kong for the weekend......
The Harbour and the Penis of Hong Kong.

The rugby ground where they played the Seven's - it is my annual pilgrimage to HK to watch the game not not to ogle at the guys.... :-) Maybe one or two....

Out and About

2007-03-30T01:21:00.000+08:00

I have been literaly caged in a room for the last five days in this very powerful self journey of discovery. I am emotionally drained, tired and totally exhausted.

You know what during this journey..... I shared my darkest secrets to people that I hardly know!! And voila, I am now OUT to the world! These few people know about my sexual orientation. And you know what - I'm so thrilled that I have managed to gather my courage to discuss my issues. So I am no longer hiding! :-)

And better still - I am alive and kicking. No one has rejected me - just yet!

So my journey begins......

I won't be blogging for another couple of days. Away from Singapore this weekend to some place more exciting!!

Face Lift

2007-03-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

It is comforting to know that there are super products in the market that helps the skin to heal real fast. Last night I was given a tube of Elizabeth Arden - 8 hour cream skin protectant and applied them on my face and voila when I was back at work this morning, everyone commented that my scars are healling fast!! Heh - I can now to the GYM and don't feel so akward with the bruise!! :-)

With all these events, I have now managed to strike this conversation with this HOT guy! :-0 Ok - he is straight and has a girlriend...Didn't know that there are still good looking straight guys out there!! My heart just sank when he came up to speak with me! I got a bit nervous but even I had two minutes of conversation, I would be contented for the day!!

Is this Sad or Just Plain Teenage Crush??

Alcoholic Nights - Part 11

2007-03-19T21:34:00.000+08:00

The saga continues on my alcoholic nights.....

At work today, I managed to piece some more snips of missing Friday night out! I apparently had some tequila shots that night which I don't remember and at the Bar, this chick bought us not shots but tequila glasses!! And we sculled them down as well. By then I cannot remember anything...... However I did remember my last drink - cheap vodka! (probably 3 shots of them!!)

Then, as I was dancing next to some chicks, albeit a bit loose and wobbly, the bouncer came up to me and asked if I was alright. I don't remember that conversation as well. This was the time that my friend decided we should call it quits. He dragged me down - apparently I was so wobbly that I needed help and put me into a cab. Now that is another part of my life that I do not remember... Very scary indeed and I somehow managed to come home alive! Could have been mugged and knocked over into one of those monsoon drains and drowned!! Shivers!!

I checked with the night guard on duty and he can't remember any out of the ordinary. Apparently, I was sober when I walked into my apartment complex! What really gets me is that I did not leave a trial of blood at the entrance nor on the switches BUT I did find some stain in my bedroom. Even my keys were not with blood.......Sigh....

At least I did not break my teeth or had deep cuts on my face (no gay guy will then touch me!!)! Thank god for being alive....

Friends

2007-03-18T22:31:00.000+08:00

Love them or hate them! I don't know.....

A text conversation happened between me and a friend of mine - let's call her LC....

Beep Beep Beep....

LC: You have time for dinner this evening? I want to introduce my girlfriend to you.
ML: Hmmm...... mom is in town and I can't make it tonight. Maybe some other time?
LC: Ok, are you still interested to meet my friend? If not I wll tell her. She is a very nice person. Not a party or drinking type. Good person to be friend with...

(thinking - how am I suppose to say whether I want to meet this friend of hers or not? I want to meet a guy not a lady!!) Anyway, I text her the following message...

ML: Sorry - I am very busy lately. As I mentioned to you earlier, I will be busy in March and early April. I can only meet up with you sometime in April. Is that alright with you?

LC: Heh - I need a simple answer. Yes or No?

(took me at least a good half an hour before I replied)

ML: Hey LC - that is a very difficult question. I don't know how to answer this question. Please don't put me in a spot.

LC: Ok! I get it. I will take this as a No and will tell my friend. It is okay. You don't have to do things that you don't like to do. By the way I have deleted your cell phone no. I won't disturb you anymore. Take care.

(by then I was furious! I knew she will do that but I thought I play it cool because I never say no to meeting up with new people but the way LC has managed this is pathetic....I hate to be push into a corner and that is what she just did. A meeting like that should be made just casually so that there is no pressure or stress to talk to new people)

ML: That is a very childish thing to do - deleting one's number. I knew you will react like this. That is why I msg you earlier to gauge your reaction. Voila.... you reacted the way I anticipated. Over to you, I won't be deleting your number because I am not childish. However you are.....

LC: I really wanted to introduce to you my girl friend and she is a very nice lady. If you want, just tell me Yes or No. That is simple. If you think I am childish, that is okay. Is not neccessary to explain to you anymore.

So was I wrong to drag the conversation? Should I come out clean to her and say I actually want to meet men instead. Granted - that I am not that close to her to trust her with me coming out to her, I think I played this quite close to my heart. Alas, she could not understand why I wasn't interested at all. Actually I don't mind meeting with her and a new friend but would appreciate it to be more casual meeting as oppose to a structured one. It would be really akward and I have been in this situation and I hated it with Passion!!)

Alcohol Anonymous!

2007-03-17T23:11:00.000+08:00

Internet speed is very slow today!! Downloading porn is now a challenge!! Thanks STARHUB! I should have just signed up with SingTel since they have a dedicated line to the apartment!

I was looking forward to yesterday as I had very good intentions to get back home early on a Friday and actually catch up with some sleep!!I have been averaging 5 hours for the last couple of days and not getting any younger, I decided I should have a very grown up night - me, myself and I at home watching PrisonBreak.

The rest was history, a couple of beers and white wine later. I was partying in town - with a hot straight guy!! :-) BUT i could not do anything. So I don't have to eloborate! Anyway, I lost bits of my memory this morning! I fell while trying to make my way back (I don't remember getting into a cab either!!), a cut upper lip, bruises on my cheek and jaw! Bruises and cuts on my hands!! And lots of blood....... What a night!! AND a BLOODY HANGOVER! So today was another slow day... Feeling sorry for myself and still trying to understand why I didn't say NO to alcohol! I should just have stayed at home! And I would be safer and actually doing productive things today. Instead, I was nursing a bruised face, hand, and head and a very overworked liver!

At 34, one would think we would be more grown up!! Unfortunately, last night was not suppose to be! I may have to sign up with Alcohol Anonymous to get rid of my drinking behaviour!! Okay - maybe I should focus more on the ABS, at least I would give up alcohol pretty soon!

BUTS and Excuses.....

2007-03-14T23:51:00.000+08:00

It is now approximately 5 months since I have moved back to Singapore! How time has flown past but I still find myself in the same rut! Things have moved but not much though!!

Over the last couple of months, I have come out to a total stranger who happen to have just come out as well. So he is still discovering but he is definitely miles ahead of me!! I have done a course about self awareness that should have expand my true self and seek the so called life path but somehow like I said earlier on I still feel trapped. I am more comfortable of my feelings about guys. I have accepted that I am trully attracted to guys especiallly the good looking ones but I am still comfortable making new friends with guys but not expecting any more except for the basic friendship.

I am more comfortable now with my very close friends about me being gay and we have decent conversations out relationshiops. In the past, I just shudder when I hear about gay relationships but I secretly harbour this feeling. Longing to be touched and hugged. Longing just to be love and accepted. Something pure.... Maybe one day I will find that love. Just maybe....

Anyway, it has been a long day! I realised that I have a lot of BUTs in my sentences above. Maybe this reflect my so called life which is full of excuses and BUTs.

Airports and Airpoints

2007-03-13T22:08:00.000+08:00

Well another weekend gone! As I mentioned in my last entry, I was in KL for the weekend. KL short for Kuala Lumpur which is the capital of Malaysia. It is 50 minutes away from Singapore by air and if you have PLENTY of time, taking a coach is another option BUT is not in my vocabulary for the time being. It is a city of about 2.5 million people - chaotic, modern and charming, traffic jams to die for NOT, Asian cuisine to saviour and to top it off, a city of mystic energy!!

Do I want to live there? Nah... too much chaos (although the people are friendly), the system sucks, bureaucracy is a nightmare and what else, rampant corruption in the country. Just not my cup of tea for the time being.

As usual I flew into KL on airpoints, courtesy of Singapore Airlines. In fact, that is the only airline I currently will fly on except when there is no available seats!! Don't ask me why the pompous attitude but after being a PPS Club member for the last 3 years, I know what is service in the air!! :-) (Ok the stewards are not drop dead gorgeous but most of the stewardess are pretty decent looking gals.. if I was straight enough, I would go for any of them :-), UNFORTUNATELY, I swing the other way....sad!!). Looking at what keeps me going, I must say, my priorities are screwed.

See - since I a PPS Club member, all I can think and plot is to get myself enough airpoints (or business class sectors) to ensure I keep my so called status for another year. Currently, my travel plans are looking pretty pathetic! There are hardly any business class travels coming up!! It is likely that I will loose this status by the end of the year!! My mind is PLOTTING....I wish I could get my other priorities in order - like getting myself a partner!! So sad eh?

I bumped into this guy I had a crush on a few years back!! Man - he is looking HOT and his skin is smooth as a baby's bum!! I so want to lick his face :-) Anyway...back to reality, he is taken - so off limits!!

OVER and OUT

2007-03-09T00:51:00.000+08:00

There is nothing to blog today. I am having a brain cramped tonight after looking at spreadsheets and numbers the whole day!! That is the job of an accountant and I wish I could passed it down to my colleague BUT it did not happen and so ended working quite late. Funnily I managed to squeeze in an hour at the gym tonight working on my back, lats, legs, triceps and abs! Yes it was pretty focused session and was back at the apartment by 1130 pm. My narcissistic nature got the worst or better of me! You decide....

It is now 1 am and I am typing away JUST - not sure if this entry makes any sense at all. I have also packed for the weekend. Heading up to KL this weekend for a short break (no NOT a dirty weekend!!) AND there is SO much work! Ah what the hell...... I should take risks and trust my team members to help me deliver the end product..... which is more FIGURES by the way - Nothing EXCITING.

OVER and OUT!

TVBreak

2007-03-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

Not sure what has happened to me lately.... First it was the Korean drama syndrome and NOW, Prison Break syndrome!! :-)

I nearly killed myself emotionally watching the entire Korean series in 2 weeks (all in 55 hours). I was a wreck. A total wreck....almost a junkie. The drug junkies that you can relate too.... Panda eyes.. Lost in their world and that gazed looking set of eyes... The only target for my day was to watch the Korean series and I was darned FOCUS (I wish I could channel this energy to other parts of my life!)... Glad to say I cured myself out of this and refuse to watch any Korean drama series from now on.

Now it is FOX Tv - PrisonBreak! I have been glued to my 40 inch Sony Bravia for the last few days! When I first played it - I knew I could control my addiction! Since I never got hooked to any American series (except for Friends and Lost but they were aired at sensible times!) I was feeling good about it. 21 series later - I am hooked! BIG TIME. When I watch it on DVD, I have to have my laptop connected to FOX TV website. I read the synopsis of each episodes while watching the show. Sad or crazy? You go figure out!!

I need a TV Break and a break from the fictional characters that these gorgeous hunks play/act!!

Pursuit of Perfection

2007-03-06T00:22:00.000+08:00

I spent another day salivating for the guy at the gym from two days ago! Yes - he was super HOT...one of the few guys that I have seen since I got back from Japan that is worth salivating over!! :-) His body was defined - and one could appreciate the contours and the shape that he has created. I know this is not right but he appears to be NATURAL - not the muscular type but the REAL type!! So what is real.... I KNOW I am superficial BIG Time.......

No wonder I am still where I am - lonely and closeted!! Maybe it is time that I move on from the Adonis type!!

Seriously Annoying

2007-03-04T01:05:00.000+08:00

Why is this that I get all these offers from my friends who are keen to get me hook up with their lady friends? When will they stop trying to interfere with my life? I know they are really concerned about my well being but now it is getting a bit annoying. Seriously annoying!

I am sure they are smart enough to tell that I am not seriously looking for a straight relationship am I?

Anyway, I have agreed to meet up with these friends of mine who is going to set the scene up and another set of friends who are going to be my wing men - just to check out the lady friend.

Something about late night conversations....

2007-03-03T02:14:00.000+08:00

At drinks tonight, we were talking about relationships, commitments and our ideal partners. The questions went around the table and I was up next. All I could say that I am really picky and she must be pretty, smart and confident and next I blurted out that I can't stand women who nags, whine and show tantrum! And to top it up, I was a commitment phobia guy who could not last in a relationship longer than two months. I fear the next question and it popped up anyway.....

So Max can you please tell me something... let's be honest here. Are you straight??? Max - you know you can be honest with us! We have no issues if you're not straight!!

Me - My mind was spinning and was not sure how I was going to answer this question! There was cold sweat but managed to act pretty calmly and so all I could say that I was straight!!

Friend - Be honest!! We are trully okay if you are not so straight!

Me - Sure I know, but I am straight ...BUT I just can't commit to anything and am happy being single for the time being.....

Our conversation went on for a while but managed to staff off this topic for the whole night! Phew..... But one day I owe them an answer.

It used to be that on Friday nights at around 1 am in the morning, it is not difficult too hail for a cab. Today it has been a nightmare and there were horders of late night owls waiting for or calling for cabs. Bugger! I missed those days when you walked out of a pub late at night and there is cab waiting for you!!

Angry

2007-03-01T00:21:00.000+08:00

Not sure what it is but I have been really Angry today!

Some cyclists are idoits! - At the pedestrain crossing today, it was raining and I managed to cross to the other side of the road and as I just got there, this cyclist pulls up in front of me and stopped. I had to make way for him! I cursed under underneath my breath - fucking prick (excuse my French). I think he heard me cursed but do I care?? Obviously not!

Car drivers are inconsiderates and are fucking idiots (excuse my French again). As I was walking home after my gym and it was still raining, I had to cross the road and this fucking car driver did not even care to slow down for me to cross the road. Fucking wanker....

Car driver incident no 2 - on the way back home I had to cross another set of traffic lights and the car that turned into this lane did not even see me crossing!! He had the nerve to apologise! Another fucking useless prick!! (excuse my french again)

Talking about angry...I need some sleep!

Career change?

2007-02-25T23:28:00.000+08:00

Just two nights ago, I was propositioned for a business venture. Not sure whether it was the alcohol talking or not but two ladies offered to pay me half an hour to do a striptease in front of them. For just $300 for half an hour - now that is serious money talking here! But just wait till they see that layer of fat on me!! That will freak them out!

I may be thinking about getting myself a new job but I am not so sure about a career change at the age of 34 and going into the "entertainment' business! Competing with those younger hunky looking guys!! How long will I last in this business :-)

Only if I look like him......

The wonders of texting...

2007-02-24T23:27:00.000+08:00

Well, I managed to gather all my courage and actually typed up a message and texted it over to him. At least if the answer is no - the rejection is a lot easier to deal with. It is easier to hide behind the text messages!! Anyway, He replied!! Wow - he was keen to meet up for drinks - off course with friends but he actually text me! Hey hey hey - that really boosted my confidence for the day!

Did we meet up? Well... NO - I didn't expect to go out that night but agreed that we should meet up again! Not sure if this was a let down but I did not anticipate the events that occurred during the night!! Ah well cest la vie!!

A new crush.....

2007-02-23T00:21:00.000+08:00

I just read AA's blog on CRUSH and started to think and contemplate about my crushers. Some pathetic but for some I have painfully accepted the consequence and as a result built more emotional sheild around me. I can't believe at 34 I still have this teenage crush still going on internally with me but I guess I am now letting these emotions surfaced up so that I can deal with them - address them and stop surpressing these emotions. Whether this will turn into the first emotional kiss or date. Who knows....:-)

Just the other day - I met someone briefly during dinner. He had one of the most sincere smiles I have ever come across in a long time. I realised that his smile was drawing my attention and not least my curiosity. I have known him for a while - we are really acquaintances but our paths never crossed except for the once a year occassion that my family will bumped into his family. I realised that I did not even noticed him for some reason. Once in a while we will say hi and that is about as far as we go with our conversations. This time, not sure what happened I simply asked him for his cell phone number! (I did not realised that I was asking for it when I found myself in an akward postion - I don't even know his name!!) Now - whether he is straight or gay - I was looking out for signs during the entire dinner time but just could not read it (I swear my dinner guest was wondering why I wasn't paying attention to her). However based on my usual non effective attraction to straight guys - he is probably straight as a pole (like my other hot crush in Japan - the Gym Boy). I am still debating whether I should text him or not and ask him out for drinks. I guess I better not leave this too late or else I would miss my boat again!

There have been other crushers in my life - I used to have this thing for my personal trainer! The first time I saw him, I was attracted to his overall stature and poise and for some reason I signed up with him not intentionally but through a friend of mine in the gym. As usual - he is straight as a pole! So I could only admire him from the far. Had some issues dealing with the crush thing but I managed to overcome that personally (that for me was a personal achievement with me managing my emotions - did not want to be a raging/emotional gay guy). I still train with him but no longer have the crush. I guess he may have suspected the gayness in me but he has treated me as a straight guy - mostly sharing jokes of women and salivating at some of them in the gym.

More to come.......

First Class Travel

2007-02-15T00:54:00.000+08:00

It has been a nightmare trying to get tickets out of Singapore due to the Chinese New Year holidays. I have planned my trip to KL, Malaysia for the last couple of weeks and managed to redeem my airpoints to fly "free" to KL. Unfortunately that was not the case as my so called redeemed tickets got cancelled twice in the last two weeks. So the desperate me last night was cursing and swearing at the Customer Service officer. Surprisingly she was clamed and apologise profusely but she can't do much! Alas, I became calmed and collected. All the economy seats were taken, and the next class of travelling - Business was also taken. So I ended up booking myself on First Class on my air points! I shrieked when she indicated that I had to part about 35,000 points to get myself a ticket. So I caved in! and now am flying First Class for 40 minutes on Singapore Airlines!!

Yeah baby - that's the Singapore Air experience alright!!

Anyway, I won't be accesssing my emails and won't be blogging whilst I am away! Happy Chinese New YEar to all you out there who are celebrating the festive season. If not HAPPY holidays. See you in 5 days!!

Thank you!

2007-02-13T23:28:00.000+08:00

I should have written this earlier but well - excuses excuses excuses. So I am not even going to mention them here at all.

I have been blogging well over 12 months and it has been a journey for me - reading others gay related theme blogs. Trying to make sense of my life and why I am still in the closet. I realised that I am not the only one in this world that is struggling internally. In this world of blogging, these bloggers have shared their most intimate stories and moments with the rest of the world. I have laughed with them, I wept with them and off course if I could say some nice words I would comment as well. As for me, being the novice in town, I have also received more than a fair share of encouraging words/comments from them.

As in my daily blogs - I would read my favourite blogs - in no particular order but I always look forward in reading blogs from the

Accidental Activist

- who has encouraged me all the way. I look forward to read his blogs and in turn look forward for his comments. His views/opinions on politics interests me and I could relate to them. His own journey has encourage me as well and hope that I too would have to courage to seek relationships from this journey. He made reference to my blog earlier this month which was really touching! With that I knew I had the encouragement all the way. I was really disappointed that AA was going to take a break from blogging but he is back now. I am trully happy for that.

There are two other blogs that I would like to make reference here as well:

Tokio Bleu

- Shigeki san writes beautifully and he always put a positive note on life. I enjoyed his reference to his job, his daily life and his jet setting trips to all over the world. His pictures and satires helped ease stress from my daily work - trust me on that! And whilst I was in Japan last year, he thought me one or two things about the Japanese culture. Now back in not so funky Singapore, Shigeki san is my only connection to the Japanese world.

Bandit Talks

- Rick is a great guy and his experiences with relationships have made him stronger. He too had an impact on how I view the gay life in America - which is almost surreal! Not all gay guys are sex fiends but real people with emotions that have to be satisfied just like any other ordinary straight people.

So to my three favourite blogs - Thank you! and tomorrow is Valentine's day, So here is to hope for long lasting relationships with your loved ones (or soon to be found loved ones).

What is REAL?

2007-02-13T00:21:00.000+08:00

I had a very wierd conversation the other day! Not sure whether wierd is the right word to describe it but it was something that usually doesn't happen to me on a daily basis.

I went back to work on Sunday in the afternoon to finish off some reports and just before I managed to press the send button on my email system, my cell phone rang!! It was LY - OMG. It has been sometime since I last heard from her! We started off on the usual pleasantaries - how are you? what are you doing etc ? and our conversation sought of died down a little. Then she said she wanted to introduce a girlfriend of hers! Who is really compatabile to me blah blah blah! She asked when I would be free to meet up them. Gosh - I felt pushed into a corner! I said I would like to meet up but I have so many commitments coming up for the next couple of weeks and the only time I could meet up with them would be in April! (Man - that really sound like a pathetic excuse!) She got all a bit defensive and went on about that this friend now knows about me and it was her responsibility to let me know that she has adviced her friend about me! I go what?? What have you committed? Anyway - the converation went back and forth about whether I was interested blah blah blah. And to be honest - I wish I could say that I am not interested and you know what she would ask why anyway! So I decided to take the neutral approach and came up with 1001 excuses. Pathetic eh?

And next I got puched in the gut when she said that I have changed! Since I got back from Japan and I have been very distance and I am no longer "REAL"! So I asked what does it mean to be real? I asked her to provide me with examples to justify her comments and she got really confused. Anyway, I spoke to her for another 20 minutes about my so called definition of friendships and how I view them and cherish them. I also mentioned that I am a very practical guy and friends do come and go in our lifetime. Whether we see this a just life or do we see that as rejection - she could not give me a clear answer.

I tried to see from her point of view and kind of agree that I have changed but that is because I find that the people I use to hang out in the weekends have moved on and I have certainly moved on but she can't seem to comprehend this concept. She got a bit defensive and started to accuse me of being racist (not sure how that fit in our conversation) blah blah blah and that I should be a lot better than another friend of ours! I should have been more open minded, more generous and be more spontaneous.

At that point of time I wanted to say - I had enough of this kind of shit and yes I moved away from you because I don't see any thing that we commanly do now! I got worried that if I got closer to you, you would fall for me and I cannot handle this because I am so fucked up there that I still can;t accept who am I. Okay - I did not say all this but ended our converation cordially. Wish her well and say our good byes. I certainly hope that I would not hear from her for some time. So maybe next time eh?

Hibernation

2007-02-11T23:53:00.000+08:00

Not sure whether the above title is approrpiate or not but I believe the sole reason for not blogging is because I got caught up with watching KOREAN dramas! I normally don't follow dramas or serial programs but for some reason I just got drawn into the world of KOREAN drama over the last couple of weeks. They are shown on cable here in but the obvious timing - at 7 pm at night was a challenge. So I had to swing between the 7pm slot and the 12:30 am slot. So just imagaine a very tried accoutant the next day.

Whilst in Manila two weeks ago, I finally managed to purchase some fake DVDs and started watching it on a daily basis. It took up my free time and my sleeping time. All I could think was to finish it off - 55 series. Yes 55 hours of non stop KOREAN weeks for me. I thought I could manage it but somehow I just let my emotions went through the ceiling with this drama series. Not that I understand KOREAN or even read KOREAN but trust me this drama is mother of all plots/strategising and off course KOREAN dramas are the real DRAMA stuff - lots of crying, love, hate - you name it! ALL in one. To top it off - the subtitles are so poorly translated that I had to really read in between the lines. So you can understand how I had to let go! Me a 34 year old guy finally succumb to the KOREAN craze in Asia.

And boy the lead actor was cute too. Just loved his smile!! :-)

People come into your life for a reason

2007-02-04T10:31:00.000+08:00

I received this email from my brother a couple of weeks back and I thought it would be good to put this on my blog....

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty to provide you with a guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spritually.

They may seem godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationshop to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you never have done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason or a season or a lifetime.

Having read this piece a couple of times and having gone through this self awareness course last weekend. I can understand why I have fostered very close relationships with friends and some none and to my blogging world of friends, thanks for the support and kind words. To my new friends I made last weekend, thank you for being there for me for I hope that the friendships I have made are LIFETIME...

Signing out - Maximus Leo

My thoughts and feelings about myself

2007-01-29T00:11:00.000+08:00

I have been in a personal awareness training for the last couple of days. So plus work and training, somethings have to give way - blogging, gym and sleep. Yes...I'm so tired but somehow relieved and alive... for the first time in years, I cried so emotionally that I did not believe that I could feel alive. I am glad that I can feel now......

On the last night of the session we had to write about our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and here goes my 2 cents worth.....

My thoughts and feelings about myself

This is my sanctuary, my place where I can come home to be me again. This is my place where i get in touch with my most innerself and thoughts. This is the place where I can let down and let go. I can cry and feel vulnerable and yet be safe.

When I open myself to people, they will be the most important people in my life that will make a mark in my life. They are the ones that will provide or have provided guidance and support to me in terms of love and care.

My innerself is a place where I can generate ideas, create value and a place where I can forgive myself of all my shortcomings and failures.

This is my heaven, my space, my sacred ground. This is where I have created my sanctuary with my bare hands. My priceless item.

Adious - see you next week as I will be travelling for work. Out for Maximus Leo!

Another milestone....

2007-01-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

Ok granted that today I have just reached my 200th blog and I was suppose to write this with a gusto. I wanted to post more pictures...BUT I have been really slack for the last couple of days! That doesn't mean that I am motivated today but I thought I will write something short to cross that 2nd milestone!!

It has been another busy week - my apartment is in a semi mess (if a word exists to describe my swanky apartment that is not quite zen due to my newspapers and bills lying all over the living room), the floors have not been vacuumed and I could feel dusts appearing on my marble floor!! I was going to wait until I reach this stage - just to see how long I can live without help from a part time helper! Not doing a great job I must say!! I guess I need to look for that number again!!

Work is just crazy again with demands of deadlines and reporting requirements...again what is new in this part of my life?! :-) So I managed to get my reports out in time before the weekend. I had a friend over from London who visited Singapore last weekend. It was great to meet up someone familiar again. I realised how much I have not lived for the last 3 years!! It was great having him around. He made me live again!! And I have been SO SLACK that I have not even ventured out of the CBD until yesterday. We went for a run next to a reservoir - got bloody wet and had mud all over my precious running shoes! Got my running attire cleaned last night and now the shoes are in the washing machine!!

Boy I am in pain now (and I thought I was fit!!)... walking like an invalid 34 year old guy!

Baby Steps

2007-01-15T23:01:00.000+08:00

Since I last wrote about why I should not come out, I have actually been introduced to a friend's friend who happens to be gay. I have been in hiding since the new year's - feeling a bit sorry for myself and off course been bogged down with work as well.

Anyway, I had a good chat with this friend of mine who knows that I am a closeted gay. We chatted for a while in the new year and explained the state of my emotional self. Tell you what, it was great just being able to talk to someone about my stuff without feeling the fear or hate for myself. I slowly opened up bit by bit but still can't bring the conversation far enough to feel comfortable but it was definitely a good start. After coffee, we parted and said our good byes. I did not hear from her until the following week.

She happened to know someone who was also gay but trusted this guy to let him know of my journey. She suggested that we should all meet up for a late night cuppa! So we did.... In fact I nearly piked out as I wasn't sure I wanted to talk someone about my most inner secrets - face to face in a cafe, let alone to a stranger!! Anyway, at the 11th hour, I told myself, if I did not do this for myself, I will never be at ease with my closet condition. So I gather what ever strength I had on the day and met them for a good hour. Gosh! was I tired after the emotional session......

It was a great conversation - I knew someone who was really at ease with himself being gay. In fact he just came out about 4 years ago and so pretty new to the whole journey which I could associate with. So we talked - at first a bit uncomfortable and then a flood of discussions and questions... What a relief!

Somehow after the conversation, I was more at peace with myself and guess what??? I got hit in the gym that week as well!! :-) Well he was pretty direct and he came up to me at the gym and asked for my phone number. Okay may be I have exaggerated a bit but we have spoken only once before - and that was about 8 months ago!! Boy he still remembered my name. So I gave him my number and left that as it is. I am not sure if I will call him but we wil see.....

I met up with my new so called "counsellor" again on Sunday for a Chinese Brunch and chatted amongst the busy and talkative crowd....Again more questions and answers. I somehow felt at ease talking to him and slowly tried to make sense of this journey. I realised that I have used so much of my energy surpressing myself for being gay that I have forgotten to live. In fact emotionally I have been really numbed for nearly a decade!! (or even longer). And to top it off for the day he commented that I was really attractive and I was out in the gay community I would be a good catch!! LOL :-) Now that was something that I did not expect or even see myself as attractive. I guess it is beauty to the eye of the beholder.

Tell you what I am now more consious of myself and how I dress now.... hehehhe

Kinki Kids??? Hmmm

2007-01-11T01:12:00.000+08:00

I took this picture at Harajuku Station before I left Japan. Kinki kids eh? :-)

Anyway, it is only 10 days into the new year but I am already starting my bad habits again. Long hours at work, stress levels are up again and I am sleep deprived. I am working out later at the gym and this doesn't help me with going to bed early!! So I am now watching Korean drama series on Cable and yes it is very addictive....No wonder I am very short tempered at work!!! :-)

Oh yes, the long hours at work is not helping me to achieve my 2007 New Years resolution to find love......

Hiding in the closet.... Part 2

2007-01-06T22:59:00.000+08:00

After a couple of days of reasonable amount of reflection time.....this is the continuation of the reasons of why I can't come out.

Legal Framework - There are no laws yet around Asia that will protect the rights of gays and lesbians although there are a lot of discussion and topics of being gay here. When I say no laws yet, I am pretty hopeful that certain part of Asia, the political gay movement will come around but not in my life time. Anyway, people frowned about homesexuality here but people tend to be more accepting. However I am not sure to what extent though. There are no specific laws about hiring and firing people here. Employers almost have the upper hand in firing people that they don't like. So if people are still not accepting of gays here what are the chances that I will be able to hold a stable job or let alone to grow my career and have a decent amount of money to live on?

Marriage - Does this hold true for gay and lesbian couples or is this a straight think only? Can gays and lesbian maintain a long and lasting relationship like straight couples? I have seen and heard (no personal linkage here) that these relationships do not lasts. What about commitment? Then there are promicious sex amongst gays. Not that I don't necessarily agree but I guess it comes with it. Hence the fragility of gay relationships! Would it be true that gay people tend to stray more than straight people! Or is this just a misnomer? What about starting a family? Will the law makers agree to allow gays and lesbian to adopt kids? What about surrogate parenthood? Will this be allowed? It all boils down to how much money you have and willing to pay for this service?

The gay scene: Not quite sure where I sit on this topic but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. I guess I am just not use to it and hence can't quite accept the whole gay scene! The mardi grass, the so called gay party nights or the club scenes. Where do I fit in? I don't even have a six pack abs to show off or the smooth body and physique! What about the adonis look? The beutiful guys that associate with the gay scene? So what if we are gays? Do we have to fit the profile? The gym freaks? (Don't get me wrong - I am also a gym freak!) The vanity and fashion scene that goes along with being gay.... Do I want to be lumped as one? I don't know..... Then people here ten to associate gay being feminine and cross dressing? But I am not and no where there. I'm now pretty muscular (although not that lean yet) but I am no where there....no where there!!

Childhood - Just today I read an article that when we were once children our minds have pretty much set how we do things and associate our early childhood days with. Little boys tend to play army, soldiers and guns where as the little girls will love to play with their dolls. Well when I was younger, I love playing with my Lego sets and Dolls - yes paper dolls and all sort of dolls. I love playing dress up.... So what does this make me? I never played any army and soldiers but I did not know why then. It just happen..... Now I realised this after reading this article, I now know why I was different and will forever be different. At least it makes more sense now!

I Can't Go Back: Being in the closet is easy to manage society's expectations. But once I am out I can't go back to the closet unless I move to a different country and start my life again. But at 34 it is going to be real difficult. So it is relatively easy to be in the closet and at least I still have the option....

I am not sure being in the closet means being fucked up! Sometimes I do pray to GOD to hear me out - at least help to end all this confusion. I just wish that some one (hopefully my Gym Boy from Tokyo) will come by and sweep me off my feet so that I can come to terms with my life. But I guess I am more fucked up in my mind than ever, Apologies if i have offended any of my readers!

Hiding in the closet.... Part 1

2007-01-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and where I am heading with it. Suddenly everything is at a stand still and I'm just so unmotivated right now. I am constantly thinking and assessing my sexuality. Most of my energy is channelled towards this issue. If I only route this energy into something more productive, I am sure I would be able to lead a very satisfied and fruitful life. As you know, I am still in the closet and only 4 people in this world now about my sexuality. For most of the part - 3 of them do not live in Singapore and the other friend lives here but I hardly talk to her as we are so busy with our work and daily lives....

So why not come out? It is not easy as it seems to be and I know that there are a lot of successful gay people out there but for those successful stories, there are also a handful of stories that not so successful. That got me thinking really hard and that is why I am so hesitant to move out of my comfort zone. For I fear failure.....

The reasons for not coming out....

Family - I come from a big family and the social stigma for coming out to the family would be devastating. Being the eldest in the family, it is also expected of me to have kids as well. A whole lot of expectations are laid on me being the eldest. In addition to this, my parents have an extensive circle of friends in my home town. At 34 and still single, I am sure there are questions asked about my bachelor status.....and I know mom is quite keen to get me hooked up!! On the other hand, if they know about my sexualilty I am not sure how mom will face them! I think my immediate family will accept me but I know my brother in law is homophobic - so if he finds out the true me, I could end up being ostracized by him and my neice and nephew won't be able to hang out with me again!

Work - I have lead a very successful career at my work place. What would happen if senior management and colleagues find out? How will they react? Would I still get the same respect that I get now? Can I still be treated the same? See - all these questions become harder to answer as I go down my lists! And to be honest work means a big deal for me as I put my so called productive years in my work in order to grow my career. How would I pick myself up if the rejections are unbeareable? I shudder to even picture myself in this situation. What happens if they fire me? There are no laws here to protect you from unscroupulous employers here....I could be out of a job and would not be able to keep my apartment!!

Denial - sometimes I think that all this is a joke! Someday somehow this beautiful women will come into my life and take my heart along with her. She will forgive me on my short comings. She will shower me with immense love and respect that I decide not to pursue the gay route. I will stay normal and faithful and fit in just right with the main stream society. Denial? Yes - 100% considering that i have not had any chemical attraction to ladies. Yes, I have been out with ladies but never had the so called chemistry. As for guys, if there is one cutie near me or he comes to speak to me, my legs will go soft and my heart smitten by his charm. Yes, i have been there and I so want to be with this guy. So this is denial at the fullest....

There are more excuses.....currently my mind is just tired and I think I had enough of thinking and reflection for the day.

New Year's Resolution 2007

2006-12-31T19:02:00.000+08:00

After all the reflection that I have been doing for the last couple of days about what I did and didn't do in 2006, here is the new list for 2007. A bit more challenging and interesting but hopefully it will take me outside my comfort zone. So here is the list....

1. Be daring and take more risks

Which follows with the following things that I need to achieve:
a) To find myself a new job
b) To find myself love
c) To travel more

Which takes me to the following places that I would like to visit in 2007
a) Angkor Wat - 13th century Indian Buddhist Temple in Cambodia
b) Mt Kinabalu - The highest mountain in South East Asia. I would like to climb up to the summit. So fingers crossed.
c) Taman Negara - Malaysia's national reserve park - one of the oldest tropical forests in the world. Taking into the global warming effects, I ought to make a trip to the park to feel and reflect about the environment.
d) Barcelona or anyway in Europe!!

Okay, next on my list.....

2. To loose another 4 kgs by March. I want those damn 6 pack abs.

3. Be contented and appreciative of what I have....

4. To spend more time with my friends and to nurture the friendship.

5. And make more friends...... (sounds like I am back in high school)

6. To laugh and cry more....

7. To be a patient and caring/loving brother/son/cousin to my family!!

So Happy New Year and may 2007 bring more happiness, prosperity and great health to me and myself and I and to everyone who has visited my blog.....

Signining out for 2006.

Sticking to New Year's Resolutions

2006-12-31T00:23:00.000+08:00

This is the time year again. Tomorrow is new year's eve and there is no other time of the year when the atmosphere is so conducive to chill and reflect about the things that we have done and didn't do. During the last few days of the year, we usually stop thinking about work, the mood is far more relax and we have more time to ourselves albeit a smaller window opportunity. After 2 days into the new year and if the resolutions have not been made, it is unlikely that it will make it to the list! So after going through my archives, I managed to find the New Year's resolution list. To remind myself, this is what I had written down. Okay - let's go through the list and see where I am with my 2006 New Year's resolution. Could be a bit disappointing.!!

1. To find love
Love hasn't found me yet nor I have seek to find love because as long I'm in the closet, I won't be able to find love. I think I may have given up love after some previous relationships/crushes failures. Somehow after these failures, I have managed to put this wall up and I am finding it hard to bring it down...... I am afraid of getting hurt and if you know me well, I usually fall for the straight type guys which is a no go in the first place. So why be more disappointed?

2. Be able to communicate in basic Japanese
Well I am not entirely sure if I can communicate basic Japanese but I have managed to provide directions to the Japanese taxi drivers to bring me home to my apartment in a very drunk stage and I have also ordered food in basic Japanese that also includes general greetings? So is this basic? Yes - I guess so.

3. To travel in Japan covering these places - especially these places: Sapporo, Kyoto, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Okinawa
I did not quite get to Sappora, Nagasaki or Okinawa but did cover Hiroshima and Kyoto and amongst other tourist spots around Tokyo... I guess I did not achive this resolution.

4. Cooked more at home! (I need to achieve a body fat of 10%)
Definitely achieved this as I am finding myself cooking more at home although I have not achieved a body fat of 10%. Having said so, some long lost friends have commented that I am slimmer!! :-) So I guess this is a tick for me as well.

5. I need to stop procrastinating!
Still am but definitely not as bad as last year. Will have to bring this to 2007.

6. Be in bed by 11:30 pm!
Ha - definitely not achievable!! Getting into bed only after 12 pm. No wonder I am getting wrinkles on my face....it is a combination of old age, stress and not enough sleep..... No wonder I can't be picked up by others!!

7. To run the Singapore Half Marathon in under 2 hours.
Missed out on Marathon. So not applicable due to work commitments. Bloody good excuse I must say.

8. Save more!!
Oh yeah baby - show me the money! This is a tick for me as I have saved more than what I initially set out with.

If I take stock of what I achieved and didn't achieved, I think I should give myself a pat on the back. It's a hit rate of approximately 50%. Not bad...but it could have been better!

I am going to think about next year's resolution so will be posting something then.

Friends

2006-12-29T01:55:00.000+08:00

I remembered when I was a little boy and had friends who were leaving town to go to another school. Being the naive and emotional me I was pretty devastated as I was losing lots of friends. I also remembered the conversation I had with my dad as he sought to put some logic into the so called friendships and friends. He mentioned (which I have taken to heart) that friends come and go. They will always be a chapter in your life but you choose that chapter to define you and the relationship with those friends. You make new ones and you will in the course of growing up loose friends as well. This is life and this is how things tend to work when we grown up. Expectations on friendships are somewhat more delicate unlike marriage which is a bond that binds two parties legally. Friendships on the other hand are not legal - It can be destroyed, amended or do nothing!

25 years later, as one plunges into a career or starts a family or move countries (instead of towns), the tendency to be caught up with the day to day activities means that one spend less time with friends. Some one in your younger days could have been best friends but could be a virtual stranger today.

University friends would be probably the best of the lot as this phase in your life defined the person that you will start to grow during adulthood. These friends party with you and they have seen the worst in your drunkard behaviours, share your sorrows with relationship issues or trying to get that deserved job.

Then there are friends who were made in the course of your working life. They help you grow (or destroy - in other words, your sworn enemy) in your career and provide a solid network of resources to tap in the next phase of your life. Some of these friends could be friends till the end of time.

Looking back at all these different phases in my life, I have made many new friends, some of whom I cherish fondly. Some I have let down and disappointed. The friends that I have made are now a handful and if we do keep in touch it would be the yearly customary visits or monthly/weekly drinks at the local pub. Some how when I compare my peers, I seem to be the odd one out when it comes to friendship. Still single all these years and desperately lacking of female companions, I seem to have gone into this little world of mine that is focused mainly on three things - work, myself and the family. Somehow friends are not the priority. As a result of this, keeping in touch on my side is very slack, very inconsiderate and somehow I deserve the cold shoulder or silence I get from my friends. I have asked myself many times whether it is me that is the problem? I think so.

It is the time of the year again to take stock of the year gone by and think about how to live in the new year. For 2007, I want to cherish my friends, old and new and be good to them. Life is too short and uncertain to just do nothing about friendships. Who knows what will happen at the end of the day?

Pink Christmas Tree?

2006-12-28T00:11:00.000+08:00

Something I should have blog a couple of days ago but I did not get around in down loading pictures from my Canon.

Christmas 2006 has come and gone but I thought this Pink Christmas Tree looks really cool! I managed to snap this in one my daily routine to Starbucks to get the good hot venti coffee to start the day. The tree reminds me of something special that trully cannot be explained. Just the pinkness of it tells you all and to put this in context in tropcial Singapore, that is mind boggling!

Maybe not so if you turn this around and view this from a commercial perspective. It is about which mall can attract the most shoppers to part with their hard earned bonuses!! Or looking to attract the so called PINK dollars? Sinister me or just old age? :-)

To Think or NOT to Think...

2006-12-26T23:29:00.000+08:00

Sometimes life events amazes me with the amount of crap that I have managed to collect over the last couple of years. Considering I am single and live pretty frugally (yeah right), I have approximately 60 boxes of Crown delivered to my new swanky apartment in Singapore 3 weeks ago. I nearly fainted when I saw these boxes and I had to manage them all on my own. During that moment, I trully wish I had someone with me just to help me out. Anyway, after slaving away for the last 3 weeks, I have managed to unpack all my boxes except for my pictures and art collection! Just need to find a space for them on my white walls!!

Going through my pile of crap - I came across this piece of article that I bought from a flea market a couple of years back.... It is called THINK....

If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't,
If you like to win, but you think you can't,
It is almost certain you won't.

If you think you lose, you're lost,
For out of the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will
It's all in the state of the mind

If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can even win a prize.

Life's battles don't always go
To the stongest or fastest man,
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the man WHO THINKS HE CAN.

Happy Holidays....

Self help books

2006-12-26T01:04:00.000+08:00

Damn! I should not have drunk that last cup of coffee at dinner. I am still alive and kicking at 1:30 am!! What do you do when you mind is still active? Watch BBC, Read the Financial Times, Business Times, Blogg and download porn!! :-)

Christmas has come and gone! and now the new year is just around the corner! Somehow instead of just taking things easy, I decided to go through some unpacked boxes. They were sitting in the storeroom for the last couple of days begging me to open these boxes but I was too scared to open them. I could here them screaming in my ears - open me up, open me up, open me up! No - I am not dreaming and I am not losing my mind as well. In fact I am still reasonably sane!!

So after a very lousy Thai lunch I had wih the family, I decided to head home and go through these boxes. Go though I did and I did not realised that I have so many books that I have collected over the years. I have had gone through them again, I would easily gotten myself a new MBA degree!! I was amazed how much I have spent over the years reading and collecting these books. In addition to the collection, I managed to soak up the so called knowledge like a sponge (if only). Why do I still feel so under developed and inferior compared to others??

To share some of the books that I have read throughout these years -

1. Mars and Venus on a Date - John Gray (here trying to act straight and be the straight guy that is expected of you by the wider society - I did not pass Chapter 5 and got bored!!)

2. The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom (I was hoping to do some more stuff in my life!)

3. Dare to Fail - Billi PS Lim - (Again I was hoping to do some more stuff in my life!)

4. In my onw Words - Dalai Lama (Okay, I was trying to be religous and understand why am I here!!)

5. The Purpose Driven Life - Warren (Too much of a Christianity slant here - I got a bit cheesed of by the mention of God thought out the book - so gave reading this book eventually)

6. Follow Your Heart - Andrew Matthews (Ok - did not get really far with this, I am still not following my heart!! - it is now confused with the brain!!)

7. Being Happy - Andrew Matthews (Still a sad bastard!!)

8. Manual of the Warrior of Eight - Paulo Coelho (Can't remember the gist of the story but it was recommended)

9. What should I do with my life? - Po Bronson (Ok - I was inspired by the stories he collected but I am not convinced somehow - so I am still where I am since I last read the book)

10. The Richest Man in Babylon - George S Clason (I know it is a good book but just can't remember the contents of the book)

Now - after going through these self help books, don't you think I should know better than to feel sorry about my pathetic superficial life!!

Happy Reading!!

Tis the season.....

2006-12-25T00:14:00.000+08:00

Am I suppose to feel good about Christmas? Somehow this year's Christmas is going to be a subdued one.... having spent so much money on my apartment, I feel that I do not need to go out and justify spending more on gifts that others may not even want!! I think friends and family should now buy me gifts for my aparmnet instead. That's right I need to get my house warming party organised soon as people "may" still be in a giving mood!! I could score some good stuff for the apartment eh?!

I am normally quite happy to be single and boring! I keep telling myself that I can be alone and it is no big deal at the end of the day. Just imagine the freedom to do anything! Somehow, after some last minute shopping in town, I realised that I am not in the mood of celebrations! I noticed that people around me were a lot happier and all the buying spree is something that they were willing to carry out despite the rain and the hordes of crowd. Where as for me, it just felt like a chore!! I was bored and I just did not want to sign that damn credit card slip. I have to regularly check my bill on the net to make sure that I have spend within the credit limits.

Actually I was feeling a bit lonely than usual which is kind of surprising. I should have seen this coming but decided not to work and act on it and now I am feeling really unwanted. So badly that I just have to cry myself to bed and just hope for the best. Can someone send me Gym boy over to Singapore? :-(

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all of you who have been reading my blog and leaving me encouraging comments.

Timeless

2006-12-24T00:10:00.000+08:00

It is only 7 days before we come to the end of 2006. It only seemed like yesterday but time has certainly flown by like a gust of wind! Woosh today and out tomorrow. For those "time" that have been lost through inactivity, it is gone forever where there are no memories nothing achived. Just time wasted! and for those period or events that chart our journey through life, it is to be cherished and enriched through our daily lives.

For a split second, I swear someone was checking me out at the mall this evening! We locked eyes and there was this look in his eyes. I smiled and he smiled. Then we head our seperate ways.

What goes around comes around

2006-12-23T02:12:00.000+08:00

You know the saying what goes around comes around? Well this statement has some truth behind it....

Now I know how it feels when you like someone but you can never have that someone. You see this person everyday and hope that he/she will noticed you and maybe make an effort to talk or to invite you out for drinks and dinner. You bump into her/him in/at the lift, in the hall way, at the pantry or in the toilet! Maybe this person will notice you eventually. This is a wishfull thinking but at least there is hope but deep down you know that he or she will never be yours. When you see this person, you can't seem to shake that sinking feeling! Your heart somewhat feel punctured and crushed and the only word to describe this is loneliness.

At my previous work place, one of my colleague on my last day came up to me and say she really liked me. I never thought she liked me as she was always coy about me when she was around me. That statement stunt me for a while! Becuase I admired her courage to come up to me and said that to my face. She had to get it out and she did it although she knew I was never going to do anything about it. I know she feel crushed but she did say it anyway. I guess she felt great just to tell me that and if I don't do anything, she know she has done her best. Only wish I could come back to her and say that I'm GAY and would never be interested in her but as a friend she would have my outmost respect.

In my so called non existent love/sex life, there is this guy is at work - I don't work with him but he is from another department. He is a real hotie! Dark, tall and handsome (he has been to the gym alot). When I bump into him, I smile at him or say hello but what good will it do? Maybe he sense it but I'm guessing he is straight as a pole and when I think about this, I know I am out of his reach and my heart keeps crushing down. But this is life and it is at work, there is no time to feel sorry about oneself. Sometimes I wonder why I have to go through this torture and misery. A good looking guy and my type of guy but it is imposible to do anything! Do I deserve this? At least he is away for his Christmas break - it has given me some breathing space!.

My kind of guy....

2006-12-18T19:43:00.000+08:00

It is raining cats and dogs again in Singapore. I was planning to go to the gym early today and try to be in bed by 1130 pm instead of some ungodly hour! I know I am not getting younger and they eye bags are appearing again but I still can't seem to get myself into bed by 11 pm!!

Anyway, what better thing to do than to surf the net and start blogging early. At least my thoughts are still intake as oppose to write something unconstructable late at night. So here it goes with my thoughts on what guy I would like to go out with. Only if I could create this opportunity.

I guess when you're in the closet and don't hit the gay bars, clubs, etc it's a little difficult to meet other gay/bi/closeted guys like myself. Sure there's the internet and it has given me the avenue to channel my so called energy and frustrations. Having said that I have yet to meet or want to me anyone over the net. To be brutally honest, I think most guys playing on the internet have no intention of hooking up and wanting to have a long lasting relationship, they are just a cockteasers (sorry no offence to you bloggers who are reading this). So I guess by having lowering my expectations, that will limit my hunting ground but I guess it protects me from any lasting emotional harm.

Over the last couple of weeks having to leave Japan and checking out the scene here, I guess I have made up my mind as to what sort of particular guy that I would like to go out with. He has to be discreet, maybe closeted as well. He's around my age plus or minus 3 - 5 years either way. Not too tall or too feminine or beefy. I am not sure whether he would be Asian/Caucasian/African or Latino but he has to be good looking. Again what is good looking? Fit and reasonably muscular and cut. Nice pair of eyes and great smile! That will make my legs go soft and yes - reasonably tight abs!!

He must like his beer and sports - perferably rugby, running and rowing. Love kids? A definite as well - but then again there are hardly any good looking guys who like kids out there. Instead there are always into their own kind of world.

I am dreaming or what? In the so called gay world, this kind of relationship never lasts! So is he out there, does he exist? It's hard to say but I'm going to keep hoping but I need to get out of this comfort zone first! Am I looking for sympathy? Nah - just to hear me out.

Lazy Sunday

2006-12-17T23:10:00.000+08:00

Today was especially miserable with the tropical rain falling all over Singapore. Usually it only rains for a couple of minutes and then the sky clears up. Unfortunately (or it could be fortunate depending on whether you like the rain or not), the sky did not clear up and it rained the whole afternoon and it carried on towards the evening. Not that I will complain, I love the rain especially if I am running in the rain with my iPod and my set of B&O headphones! Yes they may get wet but I have enough wrapping on my iPod to keep it "just" dry. It also helps that it is the 2nd generation iPod - so it is about to be replaced. I just need to get it a bit run down before I can justify my iPod to be replaced.

I was on Orchard road shopping late afternoon. Managed to get my newspaper fix for the weekend (this is a routine that I have been doing for the last 5 years -no matter whether I am travelling for work, holidaying or just staying at home - there this need to read the newspaper with a cup of coffee to full fill my weekend!!) Anyway, as I was looking out for a place to sit at one of my favourite cafe, I noticed this hot looking guy with an older woman. I thought immediately that she was his sugar mommy! :-) but then again he wasn't showing the traits of a kept man. So I found a place next to them and ordered my coffee. Off course I was reading as well but from time to time, I could not stop eavesdropping on their conversation. Not very exciting one off course - they were talking about singing??, something to do with 4 watches (must be some kind of deal) and they discussed somthing about Manila....So the guy was from the Philippines... Not bad looking - very muscular! Very clean cut :-) At that moment, I knew what I was doing... I was cruising and looking out for guys and checking them up and to see if my gaydar was working. I believed it was as I could point out who was and who wasn't gay! I think on one noticed me....:-)

Around me, there was this couple with their 2 year old daughter. They hardly spoke to each other during their meals. It was silence all the way and the mom wasn't interested in looking after the daughter. You could see her non commital attitude and the father wasn';t even paying attention to both of them. I was just wondering what sort of family will this become? Then direcly in front of me was a middle aged lady. She just finished her meal and obviously was waiting for someone. Like me she was absorping the environement around her. Behind me, there were 2 couples but can't figure whether the guys were a couple and thier lady friends - just friends or the other way round. At the other corner of the cafe, there was another straight couple but he was just a prick....and she a slut!! Obviously the only thing common with them was sex - and I am so jealous!!

Anyway, it was time to call it quits and I headed down to the gym to complete my weekend. I know from that on, that I am more conscious of my sexuality but still afraid of embracing it fully except in the comfort of my 4 walls.

Misbehave

2006-12-16T02:22:00.000+08:00

Okay it is about 2:30 am in the morning and I'm drunk! Well not quite drunk but a bit too much too drink. Still sober but the brain cells are scrwed. The reflections a bit slow than usual.

And I got checked out at a straight bar by this guy.... am I suppose to smile or even go up to say hello but I did not do either of the two - just hung out with a couple of friends.

Adouis

Miyajima Island

2006-12-14T01:38:00.000+08:00

After a sombre day in Hiroshima, I did what every tourist did when they first arrive in Japan! Try to make a trip down south to the island of Miyajima. The most photographed shrine in Japan. Also known as Itsuku-shima shrine, it is just the most famous torri gate.

When I first approach it, I was wondering what was the fuss about the torii gate but trust me, after seeing the gate, I know what was the fuss about. It just fantastic! Being a tourist and an amatuer photographer, I tried to snap as many photos as possible but unfortunately, my Canon decided that it worked too hard the day before and decided to retire for the day. Yes - I had to decide what is important and took these photos.

I decided to take a walk through the forest. The map I had described the hiking route as easy and I was suppose to be at the top of the island in an hour. Yes - after some gruelling butt excercise and shreding some calories - I managed to get to the top of the mountain on Miyajima Island. After having some issues with the battery life of my camera, I resulted to using my cell phone to take some of the pictures around the Island of Miyajima!

And yes, I bought more pottery on the island! Gosh was my bags full when I left Japan.....

Hiroshima

2006-12-12T23:04:00.000+08:00

Before I left Japan I managed to squeeze in a couple of days of tourist activities. I thought I have to visit the most important city in Japan that changed the course of world war 2. To me this was a personal pilgrimage to visit Hiroshima. For all the cruelness in this world, extreme idealogists and mad/crazy power hungry politicians (personally all politicians should be castrated!!), the trip down south of Tokyo was an eye opener. In fact it was a very sombre afternoon visiting the Peace Musuem. Listening and reading the personal stories captured by the people affected by the bomb, I felt so remorse! I nearly cried seeing some of the photos that leveled Hiroshima by a drop of the A bomb and being in the same spot after 60 years was just a humble feeling. For all the problems we face in this world, what the people of Hiroshima had to go through aftermath was just incomprehensible. After 60 years, this city is so PEACEFUL - it is almost surreal!

It doesn't help when the profilering of nuclear weapons are ever increasing in this very small world. Just imagine another country going nuclear in the middle east! It is just a matter of time when something bad does happen. On this note, I made a silent prayer wishing that no insane government/politician will ever use this weapon against human mankind ever.

What routine?

2006-12-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

Ok - I am longing for some routine in my life. Since I got back here, I have been living on adrenaline. Work, work and more work - what's new eh? And trying to sort my apartment out (on my own) and it is nearly there...say about 70% and all I need to do is have my couch delivered to me and baby - I am a complete person!

In between I am also trying to get a routine set up around my running and gym work out. Now I have a pool in my apartment complex - I need to start swimming again. Need to get that little colour on me! ;-) Tell you what, I am missing gym boy!! ;-( The folks that work out at my local gym are all so BITCHY!! and they suck big time! and there is no one to ogoole at. However, I have noticed a couple of folks checking me out! Now that is reassuring but I am also behaving BITCHY - so what's new??

Ah well - for a certain, I need to get my sleeping pattern in place. I have been averaging about 5 hours a day since arriving in Singapore. If I continue with this kind of lifestyle, my skin will just loose it's texture and colour. I need some TLC.... now who will give me that??

Alive and Kicking

2006-12-09T23:24:00.000+08:00

It has almost a month since I last wrote!

I left Japan in such a hurry that after 4 weeks away from Japan, I have not stop. I have been on adrenaline - working overtime trying to finish up reports, trying to find an apartment in the midst of these deadlines, co-ordinate with the movers and rental agents! What a ardious journey for the last 4 weeks. I even managed to squeeze a work conference in between, Now that is crazy as well.

The day I left Tokyo, it was painful to leave. I wish I had another year or two and that would be awesome but due to work this was never going to happen, unless, I take a drastic step and that is to quit my job and find another suitable position in Japan, This will mean no expatriate status. Now this was going to be an issue! Losing all these perks were going to be real hard. At this point of my age - yes being 34, I can't afford not to be financially stable. So the decision to move back to Singapore was an easy one.

Anyway, after Japan, I went straight back to Singapore (yes - no holidays) and started work the following day and boy have I been working long hours again! At work, I don't blog whcih could be a career limiting move and I wasn't going to pay US$15 for an internet connection at the hotel. Furthermore, I could not justify these extra costs to the company. So I decided not to pay for it and thought I could just go to one of those internet cafes and update my blogs. Got into one cafe and then reaslied that I can't work on the blog. It was to public and everyone could see me doing things! Now that is not what I want to be as the reason why I chose to be anonymous on the blog - well that certainly did not help! So you can imagine by frustrations!! So all in no blog access for the last 4 weeks and no gay porn! And I surivived :-) - must be the age catching up!!

So today - I am connected again! yeah.... so people and bloggers (if you have not forgotten about me). Maximus Leo is back in town again.

Nite.....

Mixed Feelings

2006-11-08T22:57:00.000+08:00

It was definitely mixed feelings today!

In the morning, it was about moving. I finally managed to pack my entire apartment into 6 boxes and within the allocated limit. All in, I was happy with the outcome but sad that I am actually leaving Japan. The reality of it is just around the corner. It is sad to define my life around 6 boxes but they are just material stuff - I have learnt a lot over the last 12 months. Now talking about a good outcome, the mover was a cutie. He looks like Nakata - the Japanese celebrity footballer. I just could not stop stealing quick glances of him but because I am a good guy, I have to act professional around him :-)

I won't even comment about work but is just another day of crap. So will leave it as it is!

And to finish off tonight at dinner, a friend of mine came up to me and pulled me aside before we left the restaurant. She wanted to tell me something in personal!! and I could not believe what I heard. She told me that she really really likes me and ask if we can keep in touch when I leave Japan. Well - what do I say to this question which came out from the blue? Now I could not say no because I am a nice guy and had other friends who were around us. So I was shocked and totally speechless for a while. I told her I was taken back with her sincerity but honestly I don't really mind keeping in touch. When I said that, I wish I could tone that down! Trust me she was beaming when she heard that I was okay to keep in touch!

So what would you do? I just hope distance and time will make this a bit of a challenge!

Sayonara in silence

2006-11-07T22:36:00.000+08:00

Well the weather has certainly changed for the night. I believe the temperature must have dropped about 5 C and it feels like autumn now. Just when I was about to leave Japan, autumn has finally arrived. Ah well, cest la vie!!

Today started off pretty good but it got progressively worst at the end of the day. Had a bad day at work and will leave it as it is. No point talking about it here... It will get my blood boiling!! Aarggghhhhh .

Managed to squeeze in some time at the gym today. Again saw gym boy - did the ogoling thing and silently said good bye to him. Man he has nice define biceps!! Slurp...... :-) What a waste that I did not do anything for the last 10 months but then again it is the lack of confidence. Ah well, maybe in another life? (if you do believe with the concept of re birth!)

Just photos......

2006-11-05T22:41:00.000+08:00

It is 7 days before I leave Japan and I am counting down the days here! I don't really want to go...JUST yet.

Not quite sure how I managed to attach myself to Japan! I knew it was going to be a short term assignment and yet I fell in love with this place (and the men here!! :-))

So I don't have words today to describe my feelings - just photos today of what I will be missing.

Tokyo Tower - The Effiel Paris of the East

Hakone - Lake Aishi at Sunset.

Ginza - the shopping mecca of Tokyo for the well established Japanese families ...ie the snotty ones.. :-)

Miura Kagen - a little unspoilt coastline/hideaway only 30 minutes from Tokyo and it is not coverd by the Lonely Planet Guide :-)

Secret Admirer

2006-11-01T23:02:00.000+08:00

I know it is pathetic to hope for something that I know I will never get it - no matter how hard I HOPE. Maybe I should have done something in the past but my lack of confidence have not helped either!

Well - my stint in Japan is coming to an end and I will be moving out soon. This means that my daily gym routine will cease and I no longer can secretly admire Gym Boy!! I will need to have another target :-) Anyway, I have not been gymming frequently and hence I have not had the chance to bump into Gym Boy. Even if I bumped into him, I will probably not do anything at all.

Today, I was secretly hoping to see him again at the gym - for this could be the last time I see him. This weekend is out for me and next week is pretty tough with the move and packaging. Work is not going to slow down for me either! Okay I'm not looking for sympathy but maybe a tiny little one.... alright! When I got into the gym, I was disappointed because I did not see him on the thread mill! My eyes were gazing around the training area to see if he is around. You can just imagine when I spotted him. A secret satisfied smile appeared on me! I could slightly gaze at him from far....and that is sufficient for me. Sad eh.... well beggars can't be choosy! I caught myself looking out for him on numerous occassions today and I feel like a predator! I guess I know the feeling when I was holidaying two weeks ago and got myself into a local gym to work out and there was this guy who could not tear his eyes from me!

My task for this weekend is to pay a visit to a Shito Shrine and place a wish card next to the temple grounds... you know what I will be wishing for :-)

Shipping Out

2006-10-31T22:32:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I need to be tough on my managers but I hate it when I can't stand up to them and say why I do not want to do certain things. Maybe I'm too soft on myself and I get easily bullied! Mine you, I'm also part of the management structure but some how I feel a little small in the scheme of things!

Like now, I have only a week before I have to ship out of Japan. In between, I have to manage project activities and get them to a certain closure, then organise my move - which is going to take at least a day! (I know I'm single but that doesn't mean that I don't have crap to pack), take my very limited annual leave and see the rest of Japan in 3 days and fly out of the country by the end of the week. In between, I have to shop for my new apartment and need to get the Bodum kitchen ware that I have been eyeing for the last couple of months. It's going to cost me an arm and a leg and I'm not sure whether my relocation allowance will allow me to purchase them....sigh...

Thinking of the amount of stuff that I have to do is just overwhelming! I feel another ulcer coming up!!

And off course, I feel like snapping!! Just like the cable wires supporting the cable cars in around Hakone...

Hot meeting

2006-10-26T18:38:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since I had a meeting in a plush office around Roppongi! No wonder these tax accountants charged a premium just to discuss matters with you! What a ripped off!!

That was what I was thinking until these two guys walked into the meeting room. They have been scheduled to meet me to provide me with a tax exit meeting and a checklist of things to do before my departure from Japan.

Gosh - they were cute!! I almost dropped out of my seat when I saw them. Being the straight looking man, I had to act as if nothing happend but at the back of my mind I was secretly eyeing them in their naked bodies. Yummy and delicious - I must say. Sad to say, I was asking a lot of questions so that I can just be in the room to talk to them. Alas, I had to end the meeting but it was a satisfied one :-)

Sad eh?

PS - My blog entries will be erratic next couple of days as I have guests in town. So I can't blog freely. Remind me to have wireless connection next time. At least I can then blog from the comfort of my room.

48 HRS

2006-10-24T17:40:00.000+08:00

It has been almost 48 hours that I have not had a decent sleep at all. Granted that my extensive nervous system is on the dwindle - due to excessive sleep deprived environment. I'm holding up pretty well. Coupled by jet lag.... my body hasn't adjusted to the any time zones yet (so am forcing it to rework to the Japan time).

I managed to zip cross to two different time zones and covered 3 countries in 5 days! All in I was in the air for about 36 hours, 6 hours at the various airports, 1 hour on the train and 2 hours on the freaking bus.

Caught up with the haze in Singapore - that probably explains why I had a runny nose!

In between these statistics, I was down with hayfever, had very itchy eyes, say good bye to some old friends of mine, caught up with a friend that I have not seen for the last 12 years and then dragged my sorry ass to work this morning as well!!

And within these 5 days, the weather in Japan has changed as well - it has gone colder and wetter.

All I can say I won't do this kind of trip again!

Love Triangle?

2006-10-17T22:47:00.000+08:00

I just found out that another person likes me as well. I'm now in a love triangle!! :-) Just like the good old days when I was in hot demand. I did not realised that my "mojo" was still alive! If I was only attracting my kind/type! Sigh...

Anyway, it was simply a bizarre week - was out in Roppongi again till 530 am and I saw sunrise. I could not believe that I survived the whole night without even getting drunk!! I could finally see the place sober! The whole place was alive in the early hours of the morning! I just can't believe it! To see and feel the city beating in the early hours of the day. Gosh - I'm going to miss Tokyo!

Work hit a peak last night! I was so stress out that I could feel stomach ulcers appearing and I could not even have breakfast this morning! Anyway, I managed to deliver my presentation today and came out alive. What a relieve!! And the whole afternoon for me was just stress free!! :-)

Well - I'm am finaly taking some time off! I'll be away for 5 days!

Is Porn good for you?

2006-10-14T22:40:00.000+08:00

If you are gay and closeted like me, the avenues of taking this stress out in a safe manner is usually looking for porn on the websites! The comfort within one's apartment or room. By surfing the web for free downloads, you get by on a daily basis. No doubt this is a temporary measure but it does work for while - at least until you realised that this has to stop and live the real life. Not hiding behind some porn materials! Realistically - how long can you sustain such a life? Living a lie most of your life.

Anyway, is surfing for porn everynight good for the soul? Even that is for at least half an hour? I don't believe so but I'm actually telling myself it alright as long I limit the surfing at the most half an hour!! But then again, enjoying perving at the guys for the half an hour would do some good as well!!

No light at the end of the tunnel

2006-10-12T22:06:00.000+08:00

I have not been blogging for the last couple of days due to work related matters. I really want to spend more time reading blogs and write more so that I can hit my 200 blogs before the year end but this hasn't happen at all. I thought by completing the Task for the project I should be better off right now. Slowing down and getting ready for the next move! But over the last couple of weeks the exact opposite has happened!! So how did this work? It has actually become worst in my opinion.

Sometimes when you're down, you feel that everyone and every event that occurs - it all seem that they/them are attacking you!! You become defensive, you become withdrawn, you feel ulcers popping up everywhere - stomach and mouth! You loose your appetite and eventually you succumb to stress and surfer a nervous breakdown! The negative energy builts up and it will slowly eat you away. I think I'm at that stage and sometimes wonder when will all these events come to an actual halt! I just want a break from work but I don't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It becomes blurrer by the day. The only thing that keeps me up is actually doing more work until I get them out of the way!! Not a good strategy but somehow it works (I think!).

This time I'm praying hard as well to GOD since I can't get my social/emotional life sorted out, at least HE will help me with my work. Fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

Over and out! Back to more work!! :-(

Only if GOD would make my life simpler

2006-10-08T22:48:00.000+08:00

I was actually looking forward to this long weekend. To take sometime out from work and catch up with my to do list of things in Japan before I check out completely of this country sometime in November.

Then on Friday night I received a call from a very drunk friend of mine who was talking nonsensical stuff for the first few minutes! After some non comprehensible chatter, I realised that he was talking about my so called future. He mentioned that for the time he had known me, he only known of me as a workaholic. And I'm a good person blah blah and I deserve more than what I have now and I should consider looking out for a life partner. Yes - someone is concerned for my future!! Wow... and the nicest thing I have heard on that night was someone likes me! She is very nice person, very loyal and in fact quite pretty as well!! And he told me in confident because he was concerned about me! :-) Now what I ever decide, it's my decision and there is no pressure to act on this information. Yeah right!!

Now after that conversation, I was in a dilemma! Should I act on this information? Should I even consider asking her out? What should I do? I know I'm still a closet case but after being in this so called zone for most of my life, wouldn't this be a way out so that I can start moving on to my next phase in life? I mean all the cosmic signs indicate that I should lead a straight life! Gym boy doesn't even acknowledged my presence in the gym, I still don't have a six pack abs to die for, granted that I will never look like the cover models like CK or DG or Men's Fitness,,,I don't even hang out at the "club" for potential partners.etc., Afterall I'm not even dating anyone - let along guys!! So what does this leave me? Nothing much except that I will just go back to my bitching about life (sorry to bore you guys out there) and probably stay in this zone and one day someone will find out or I will die a bloody virgin!! Only if GOD could make my life simpler!!

16 years and still going on strong

2006-10-06T22:28:00.000+08:00

It has been pissing down with rain for the last 2 days in Tokyo. I have never seen so much rain being dumped in 48 hours in Tokyo. It hasn't really been miserable for me but it was refreshing to see the change in weather. Funny how life can change within a few seconds! But I guess this is reality isn't..

Amongst my treasures at home, I don't usually have items that are more than a couple years old but this item that I have has been a companion for the last 16 years!!! It knows my secrets, it knows my dreams and sleeping patterns! An item that is 99% reliable to ensure that I start my day appropriately. Still going on strong after all these years. Some alarm clock eh?

Language Dilemma

2006-10-03T22:56:00.000+08:00

Today I cancelled my Japanese classes again! Yet another lack lustre performance from my side!

I guess the novelty of learning and studying Japanese have somewhat died down when I knew that at the age of 34, learning a new language can be quite challenging plus juggling a very demanding and hectic job! So something had to give way - my enthusiasm for the language.

Now - having said that I can't be entirely blamed for this as well. Somehow my 'sensei' does not generate that kind of interest. In fact she drills me on my grammar skills that I dread that 1 hour with her. It is no longer fun! I infact do not look forward to these classes!

She is nice but she doesn't generate my interest as my previous teacher! Or is this a bad excuse for my laziness?

Feeling cheated.

2006-10-02T22:30:00.000+08:00

I was surprisingly calm when I spoke to my credit card provider to ask them to consider reversing a transaction that I made through the great website a week ago! Their policy was to wait for 30 days before they can formally lodge a complaint. What a load of crap!! I did not swear nor did I loose my temper. I just wanted to make a complaint! I even paid for my so called bill.

Anyway, I should have known better but I did it anyway. The resume services I bought was a bargained consdering the other websites like monster.com etc., Being an accountant, I decided that I should shop around to see what's offered on the net!! I saw one I like - it was not too expensive neither was it cheap. I took the middle ground and believed I had made the best investment to date! ie to enhance my resume so that I start assessing my market value in today's world (yes- I have not had a real external interview for the last 10 years or so!! what a loyal employee!!) BUT I was so wrong....After numerous nasty emails, I gave up. There was no reply from them! There was no phone number to call as well. How wrong can I be? To waste US$189.95 for something I did not even purchased!

Such is my luck with the whole employment/career move!! What a way to start!!

A glass of milk.

2006-10-01T22:56:00.000+08:00

This week has been pretty good! Have been working the usual long hours but this time the effort I have put in appears to be bearing some fruits! Work wise, I'm progressing on my understanding on the transactions within our new ERP system! It's amazing what you can analyse these transactions. It's a whole new world!!

On the personal front, I'm more at ease with my myself now. I guess the stress levels have slowed down a bit and I have some direction/plan on my career. So that's put some context into this dog eat dog world! I'm trying to go out more as well. Enjoying company of others and soaking the nights up.....

Talking about soaking the nights up! My project is coming to an end soon and I'm leaving Japan and I'm doing as much I can in Japan before I leave at the end of the year. I'm going to miss this place terribly! The Japanese food, the people, the culture, the efficient public transportation, the craziness in Shibuya and Shinjukuu and the ever so elegant Ginza and Azajuban! The culture shock on the streets of Harajuku and the ancient city of Kyoto! What a contrast.....and the energy!! This place is pumping with rejunevating energy!

That's why I have also been clearing my stuff - going through my boxes of papers, documents and stuff!! It's somehow good to go though old stuff and clear them out. I say it helps with the soul! It puts me at ease (or maybe not) for the things I have achieved or not. Make some sense of this life. Anyway, I smiled to myself the stuff that I kept so far - bank account statements from 1995!! I even have an old employment contract that I signed in 1998!!! Man only I was famous - these documents would be worth a fortune. Well my wishful thinking for the day!

Its almost 1 am in the morning and I'm still wide awake!! It's going to be a long night! Ah well, I will have to get to bed soon and get some decent sleep! Hopefully a glass of milk will do wonders!

Do I care?

2006-09-28T22:59:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I find that I'm too nice of a guy at work and because I'm a reasonablu responsible colleague at work, I ensure that most tasks are covered and executed within the required time frame without direction from anyone. I just get things done!

Maybe because I work on this basis, people can rely on me to the extent that they just allow me to run the whole department and they forget that they have a team to manage as well. This is all very well but this is not what I'm suppose to do.

That's for being too nice...and why do I care if things fall apart?

Simple Life

2006-09-27T23:02:00.000+08:00

Was at a friends apartment tonight for a lovely indian meal.

I did not realised that I could laugh so hard and so much as well!! That must be good company isn't? I have been missing good company and circle of friends Or could this be the effect of a bottle of New Zealand red Shiraz.

A view from the corporate world

2006-09-26T22:55:00.000+08:00

It helps if you have a very high powered god father in the realms of the corporate world to help you advance your career just a little or maybe I'm just a sore looser.

Gosh - I have been so blind and naive over the last couple of years! Only if I was more prepared. Ah well moving on!!

Stress related conversation

2006-09-24T22:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder whether my own expectations of being perfect at work has caused me more grieve and stress that I have asked for.

Or it could be the fact that I'm running away from myself?

Anyway, one of my wise friend suggested that I should just live life accordingly - ie let go of all the worries relating to work and life and it will make you a better person. Life is too short worrying about work. The journey of one life has been dictated by someone up there and what ever we do or don't do will get us there eventually! Not sure whether I believe in this but I'm still hopelessly convinced I'm lousy at work and desperately single... only there were move obvious signs for me!

I agreed with him and I now need to work on this. Let go....

Does that mean I'm not ambitious enough? or a coward at heart? I have yet to find out.

Change of Weekend Plans

2006-09-23T22:25:00.000+08:00

Today I was planning to go up north but got up late and headed south of Tokyo. Why the change in plans? Well I could not get up in time to journey up north for 2 hours and be back again in Tokyo by 7 pm and cover the places that I want to cover. So change of plans and headed south instead!!

Now - this is usually not my style! I'm a planner and like to do things accordingly. So today was a bit unsual for me and I like it that way. I just went with the flow (or rather where my instinct told me to go!! - no map, no Lonely Planet Guide and no tour guide!). I forgotten how life was simple and beautiful! If I do this more often, I believe I would have a more relaxed soul...:-)

Enjoy the pics - I went to Muira - a little seaside town about 1 hour from Tokyo. This is not even featured on the Lonely Planet Guide!!

A final outcome

2006-09-21T22:56:00.000+08:00

Finally I have made a decision about my career! Not sure if this is a right decision but it has been made. At least I can move on and now concentrate on other stuff. I feel a burden lifted from my shoulder. Only time will tell!! 10 years from now when I look back at this decision I have made, I hope to GOD that this is the right one. But then again what is a right decision? A decision is a decision. Move on.

Autumn is in the air and I'm loving it! :-)

Decisions Decisions Decisions

2006-09-19T22:57:00.000+08:00

Decisions Decisions Decisions...

That's what I have to go through today and my head is hurting badly!

Retail Therapy

2006-09-18T20:42:00.000+08:00

I'm usually the frugal person when it comes to shopping for my own. I will deliberately think 101 times before even consider buying anything! Less to say, I'm have achieved my savings target for this year.

After posting a very candid situation of future job prospects, I decided that I needed some retail therapy this afternoon. This so called therapy is usually reserve for the women but today I felt like this guy needed some TLC! Yes - the so called, closeted gay metrosexual guy needs some LOVE!!

So I went out and bought two pair of shoes - a pair red Adidas and hiking shoes, a bag pack (yes, I'm considering taking hiking up this weekend), an excercise ball (yes - I need to work on my abs....apparently I need an air pump as well!!), a dress jacket and a T shirt from Zara and my credit call bill has clocked up approximately JPY 70,000. Yes I'm feeling the pinch after calculating the bills!! A true accountant at heart! :-)

Interview Hazard

2006-09-17T22:48:00.000+08:00

I believe I have may have crapped out of an interview to a job that could have caputalate my career to the next level!

Bugger.....

I guess I have to wait and see what are my next options.... I just hate this feeling that I have missed out on two jobs! YET again!! This really reflects on my interview skills and possibly my management style!! Ah well..... maybe I am not cut up for these jobs..... :-(

Sigh....

Everybody has secrets

2006-09-16T22:24:00.000+08:00

So what if we have secrets? It is best kept in the closet and close to the heart! No one should ever know about it.

It's really funny how others view me - serious, focus and career minded. Today a friend of mine made this remark that I'm not a calm person at work and she would not like to work with me because I'm too stress when I am under pressure. In fact I'm too tense ;-) (Yeah I know, I need to get laid!!) I have to slow down before I burnt out and need to find a nice lady and settle down to have kids. I just kept quiet and smile.

If they only know why!!

Plan or not to Plan

2006-09-12T22:03:00.000+08:00

I'm an accountant and I like to plan and prioritise my tasks. In most cases I should be able to get through my day albeit longer than expected but tasks are achieved.

Today was no different from other days - work, work and more work! But I feel like shit today as my body has finally given way to stress. I have a sore throat and a slight fever. So I'm on Lemsips and Panadols!

Planning for the day turn custard. Stayed longer than expected but that was not an issue as well. I was going to meet a friend of mine at Tokyo station at 10 pm to pick him up from the airport. At 10 he rings to say he is going to be late and expected arrival time is now 11:45 pm. F$%^! I'm tired and sick and now have to wait for this friend of mine.

What a fucking day!!

What issues if any?

2006-09-07T22:51:00.000+08:00

You know sometimes, when pressure over work builds up, people do irrational stuff like quitting and saying things to their bosses that they will eventually regret in the future!

I am probably at that stage now! If I could cry I would but I'm not a little boy anymore. If I could shout I will! I want to yell out and say fuck it - I had enough and am walking away from the career and money! Enough of the politics, enough of the us and we concept, enough of micro managing people and bosses as well, enough of the lack of urgency and positive attitude of others in the team! Enough is enough! Fuck the whole thing!!!

But late last night, I saw a Foreign movie with Japanese subtitles - didn't understand the movie but managed to pick up the body language in the movie enough to appreciate the moral of the story. Never give up on matters that are passionate to you. Believe in the right thing and no matter what hurdles one face, you simply have to push on to achieve your final goal. This movie was about a young teacher from a very poor village who went into a big city to seek one of her young student who was sold to slavery. He managed to escape but did not know how to return to the village and started a life as a vagrant. She decided to visit a local TV station to seek help through the media/news. It was a challenge to get into the building and she practically sat outside the station to seek an appointment with the Head. It was her sheer perservarance and determination altough she was considered a country pumpkin, that got her an audience with the producer. To cut the story short, he managed to return home with the teacher. Very touching ending!! No wonder I had another sluggish morning because I only managed 5 hours of sleep. I'm trully sleep deprived this week.

What I want to say is that after watching the movie, my work issues above are really nothing compared to the movie. I should stop complaining and just move on. Enjoy the ride and appreciate the life around me and the choice is mine if I think I had enough of this kind of shit. I have the power to decide and to choose which path. So with this responsibility I have to make sure I use this power wisely!

Sluggish morning

2006-09-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

Today was one of the few days this year that I absolute hate to go to work. Yes, I have use a very strong word to describe the morning. I simply HATE it.... My body was so exhausted (I don't think I can do this again!!), my brain cells were mentally challenged (I could feel the grey hair growing!!) and yes it as shit as well today! It was a slow day and by the time I got to do some real work - it was about 10 pm at night. Not sure how on earth I managed to survive the 14 hours considering I was physically challenged in the morning.

Ah well tomorrow is another day. Sigh..... When will I get that deserve break and see some of Japan again? I can't just wait for autumn......

Midnight Owls

2006-09-04T21:44:00.000+08:00

Wow - what a weekend!! I'm still mentally exhausted from the marathon work that we did! What a hoot! (not sure whether this is an appropriate description of what we did!!). Managed to stay away from coffee or Red Bull throughout the night but gosh it was a challenge to do any mental work! By 4 am, I was slurring and could not even construct a proper sentence! My shoulders and neck were tight.... Gosh at that ungodly hour the only thing I could think was for a nice muscled guy giving me a full body Bali/Thai massage with lavender oil! knew I had to either take a rest or hit that pot of coffee!

Anyway, completed stage 1 at 4 am on Sunday morning. Walked out of the office to go back home to take a short nap and a shower. As I got I out, I noticed this guy who was sleeping on the pavement - with his bags close to him. Obviously he was one of the guys who stayed a bit too late in town and could not make it for the last train home!! :-) But what stuck me was he was at ease sleeping on the pavement, not too worried about obvious vagrants or mongrels tyring to steal his possessions OR maybe he was too drunk to even consider the risks. However being in a relatively safe part of Tokyo, he was safe. Where on earth can one sleep on the pavement without being mugged? This is just so surreal!

I managed to hail a cab home. On the way home i noticed a lady power walking!! What on earth is she doing this on a Sunday morning at 4 am?? Doesn't she want to sleep at all? Isn't Sunday a rest day? But I was impressed with her sheer determination. I don't think I could have done that but having said that when I was training for the Marathon a couple of years ago, I had to wake up around 4 am on Saturday and did my long runs! That was the only time I could train without killing myself in the humid weather!! Well - I'm a sucker for pain anyway.